Sizable Age Differences in Couples
by What problems should you expect in fostering a relationship with someone much older or younger than you? If you are considering such a partnership and aren’t sure whether marriage is a good idea, chances are you’ve already passed the biggest hurdle.
Your mindset and that of your partner are the most important considerations. Since you’ve read this far, chances are you have an open-mind about such relationships, but will you be able to ignore what other people think? What about your partner?
Most people would never look twice at someone more than five years older or younger than themselves, while others are actually drawn to such relationships. For many, it depends. How much older and which one is older, the man or the woman? Having been married to a man sixteen years my senior and then to a man sixteen years my junior, I’ve experienced both sides of the issue.
I must say that I’ve had a more difficult time being the older woman. This is partly due to the fact that I’ve reached middle age and gravity has not been kind. For that, I’m thankful that love is blind. But, in our society it is more acceptable for an older man to marry a younger woman than the other way around. I sense people thinking “cradle robber” and though I try not to let it, it does affect me ever so slightly sometimes. Fortunately, my husband and I aren’t big into socializing, so we rarely attend gatherings of a single generation where one partner would stick out like a sore thumb.
One consideration is the inter-relationships amongst other family members. They are likely to be a bit awkward, but can be wonderful. For instance, the older partner and the corresponding in-laws will be closer in age than in a traditional arrangement. Likewise, children from a previous marriage might be nearly the same age as the younger partner. Those relationships may be less strained than normal since there is more common ground. On the other hand, the traditional role of sage in-law lovingly showering the new family member with advice may be shattered and the concept of step-parenthood may be ludicrous, especially if a step-child is older than the step-parent!
Shared memories may be interesting. In a relationship where ages vary considerably, mutual memories of significant historical events are limited to those of the younger person. The older person will remember things that happened before the younger one was even born. Enjoy the differences. You will learn a lot about another generation and may be surprised by how different life was for your partner than for you. Just for fun, team up in trivia games and use your combined broad knowledge base to blow away the competition!
A benefit that might go overlooked is the stability of the older partner and the shortened learning curve for the younger person. Many people leave home lacking the skills and resources necessary for independent living. Having one person in the relationship with plenty of experience can be a big boost for the other one.
Keep in mind that most age-related differences are no more problematic than those between generations within any family. Music tastes, slang, friends, and clothes styles may differ, but disparities in tastes exist even within a single generation. Cultural differences between two people may well be a greater obstacle than an age gap.
As the years go by, an age spread will have less and less impact. The contrast between a twenty year old and a thirty-five year old may seem significant, but when that same couple reaches fifty and sixty-five the difference hardly matters.
In the end, your fortitude and the strength of your love will be the determining factors on how well you can handle the stares and whispers that will come with a relationship involving large differences in age. If you can disregard what other people think and truly love each other despite your age difference, you stand a good chance of making it work.
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Post CommentDarlene McFarlane
On March 26, 2008 at 8:41 am
I am 15 years older than my husband. We have been together 21 years now and many times I have thought what you mentioned…thank goodness love is blind. I do wonder at times when I speak of things that happened in my childhood. I realize I am speaking of a time before he was born or when he was too young to remember a historical event. It works out well though. If you have love, there are no problems.
K D Blakley
On March 26, 2008 at 11:48 am
I’m happy to say that my current husband and I have been together 10 years and are just as happy as ever. There’s no explaining love, is there?
satendar tyagi
On June 26, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I am Thirty seven and yet to marry a girl much younger to me. Well, it gives me a hope that all will be o.k. As long as Love prevails.
k showers
On October 18, 2008 at 4:09 pm
i am in love a man 22 years older than me we have only been together for 2 years but i know i love him the only question is wether i can live the lifestyle of being with an older man or could mabey everyone except it an things can stay the way they are.
made up name
On February 19, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I am in love with a man 15 years my senior and he is absolutely wonderful. Most of the time the age doesn’t matter to me, but I go through spells of worrying about the long term. It’s somewhat morbid to think about, but I can’t help but wonder/worry about 20 years from now. Does anyone worry about the likelihood of spending many years at the end of your life without the one your love? How do you overcome this?
trusting her instincts
On February 28, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I have been with a man 25 years older than me for 2 years now and we both agree that we have never felt more connected to another person. I have also had thoughts of what will happen 20 years from now. Will I be alone? etc… I know it can cause me some anxiety and make me feel like I am already mourning the loss of my partner. The only thing that has ever seemed to help me overcome this is to take everyday one day at a time. Nobody really knows what happens..who knows? I could go first. Every relationship has it\’s \”things\” to deal with. This just happens to be mine. Just try and remind myself that i have found love and that i\’m lucky. Some people never find love.
Shima
On May 31, 2009 at 2:52 am
I’m 28 years old and in love with a man 15 years my senior. this is the first time I want to marry, he is nice and I can talk to him widely and freely. But I just worried about our age difference in long term life. would you please guide me.
K D Blakley
On May 31, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Shima – there are so many things to consider when contemplating marriage – political & religious views, social and economic status, intellectual and maturity levels, career & lifestyle goals, etc. Is the age difference your only concern? If so, then how do you each feel when you are out in public together? How do you each feel about having kids? Are you worried about outliving him?
For what it’s worth, the age difference will seem greater now than it will in the future – in other words, it will only become less important as time goes by. Hope this helps!
Noor Fathima
On June 2, 2009 at 2:03 am
I am an indian. I am married to a man 27 years my senior. He has a son who was my classmate. I love him so much and we have 2 children together in 7 years.
K D Blakley
On June 2, 2009 at 10:50 am
What a wonderful story, Noor! Thanks for sharing – K. D.
jesse darrah
On October 23, 2009 at 7:12 am
its good to see someone offering both pros and cons and realties but also hope in their advice to those actually seeking guidance. i just wanted to share something that might help with those who are plagued with the inevitable thoughts of their older love passing before they themselves do.
im 28-yo and met my wife when i was 17. she didn’t go to my high school, but in a way from my age, you could say we were high school sweethearts. on our 9th year together, still without kids, and still without being yet married, i preposed to her. it was the same day we found out when she was able to start her chemo therapy to fight her small bowel cancer.
we were thrown into life without a future we thought was guaranteed. the marriage was always on the books but unfortunately the money wasn’t. 2 years since that night i exchanged wedding rings with her in her hospital bed, only hours before she took her last breath.
that was only 2 months ago now, but my point is, that she was only a month and a half my senior. so age doesn’t matter. Death, like love, is blind as a bat. and neither death nor love understand age.
so basically, it is only societies twisted view and our silly human brains, that tell us only the old die. i am now 28, have known love, purely, and will always be thankful for it. but i have 40 more years if i live to my natural death, before i get to be held by her. it scares me, even more so, is the fact that i will have no choice in the matter of whether i will love again or even who. let alone their age, race and social or cultural beliefs.
all i know, is that i couldn’t imagine what id have missed out on if someone told me 11 years ago that kristy would die befor me, and in only 11 years time. it would break my heart to know that she might have lived to be only 28 without getting to know such love for a good portion of her life. we won, and our love is now unbreakable.
no matter what, never let it pass you by.
love is not guaranteed. but death is. so when love comes, grab it and let it take your mind off everything else.
K D Blakley
On October 24, 2009 at 11:59 am
Thank you, Jesse, for sharing your story. A first-hand experience like yours speaks in a way that no other could. I hope others will take to heart your reminder that “love is not guaranteed. but death is. so when love comes, grab it and let it take your mind off everything else.” That’s a quote to remember if ever I heard one. Thanks again.
KD
jason
On March 24, 2010 at 11:16 am
Im 24 and my partner is 45 and i find it really hard , everyone of my friends thinks shes my mother
dPayne
On June 8, 2010 at 9:42 pm
My guy is 12 yrs older and we’re happy and devoted to each other. I’m inspired by some of the stories told here. Thank you, all.
All the best!
Flipper
On August 24, 2010 at 8:50 am
I have just started seeing someone who is 26 years older than me- whilst its a slight ‘concern’ we mock each other about our age- and have not yet gone public! But Have decided that we enjoy each others company and all the rest of the world is pretty much irrelevant really i.e. what they think! Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!!!
Gina
On September 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm
I am soon turning 18 and am involved in a relationship with a guy who is 48. I have known him since I was about 8. He is a friend of the family, and I always had a special friendship with him. Never anything inappropriate. He was just someone I could always turn to when I needed help, a father figure or big brother, if you will. His wife (another good friend to me) died almost three years ago. As time went on, I realized that I was seeing him as something more than just a friend. When he realized where I wanted the “friendship” to go, he almost had a stroke. We talked a lot about the pluses and minuses we would face, first and foremost being my mother. She had a fit, until I reminded her that there was 15 years between her and my step father. She’s still not happy, and has tried to keep us apart. I still get out to see him.
He and I have agreed to take things slow. The most sexual it has gotten is holding hands and a few hot kisses. He is adamate that nothing else will happen until after I turn 18, and only if we actually get engaged. And that will only happen if we are sure thatthis can actually work. Some of the family is getting used to the idea, including his oldest daughter (10 years older than me).
Am I too far out on this? All I know is how he makes me feel, and the fun we have when we are together. Is that enough?
Nimfo
On November 2, 2010 at 9:09 am
i am in a relationship with a guy who is 14 years older than me. he is 29…. i\’m considering marriage proposal very soon
R.
On February 17, 2011 at 4:13 am
I\\\’m now 24 years old and i\\\’m dating a man 30 years my senior. We\\\’ve moved in together and life is great for now. However, we all have dreams, children marriage, long lasting love… My problem is that death, although it can happen anywhere anytime, is statistically more probable in such a case.
We connect in a very special way and, if there was a time when the shocked looks of people would worry me it\\\’s gone. I\\\’ve learned that relationships are complicated no matter what, and gaps (age, cultural,social) may help make things more interesting.
Having said that, it\\\’s true that one should really understand that there will come a day when you will want stuff that your older partner already had or that you may want to do things that he/she is already tiered of doing so space, i would say, is also important in these relationships.