Spouse and Partner Abuse This is Not Love

Because abuse often is perpetrated by a husband against a wife, that example is used in this section. These same patterns are consistent, however, between partners who are not married, same-sex partners, and wives who abuse their husbands.

An abusive husband often believes his wife belongs to him (like property) and becomes increasingly violent and abusive if she shows any sign of independence such as getting a job or threatening to leave. Typically the abuser has strong feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem as well as poor problem-solving and social skills. He is emotionally immature, needy, irrationally jealous, and possessive. He may even be jealous of his wife’s attention to their own children or beat both children and wife. By bullying and physically punishing the family, the abuser often experiences a sense of power and control, a feeling that eludes him outside the home. Therefore the violent behavior often is rewarding and boosts his self-esteem.

Dependency is the trait most commonly found in abused wives who stay with their husbands. Women often cite personal and financial dependency as reason why they find leaving an abusive relationship extremely difficult. Regardless of the victim’s talents or abilities, she perceives herself as unable to function without her husband. She too often suffers from low self-esteem and defines her success as a person by her ability to remain loyal to her marriage and “make it work.” Some women internalize the criticism they receive and mistakenly believe they are to blame. Women also fear their abuser will kill them if they try to leave. This fear is realistic, given that national statistics show 65% of women murdered by spouses or boyfriends were attempting to leave or had left the relationship.