Ten Signs You Should Dump Your Girlfriend

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Ten Signs You Should Dump Your Girlfriend

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As everyone knows, guys don’t do lists like chicks do lists.  Guys make lists to organize their thoughts and then promptly lose the list, having never referred to it.  Organized thoughts are for weenies anyway.

So here is a list of definite reasons to jettison that vacuum cleaner you’ve been calling Pookie-wookie:

1)      Her name and phone number can be found in any men’s restroom in the county, with evocative details, in her handwriting.

2)      Conversely, she won’t take her eyes from your face, and has a blissful countenance of holy creepiness as she worships every word you say.  Run.

3)      Her mother is built like a linebacker.

4)      Her father is built like a linebacker.

5)      Her apartment looks like your apartment.

6)      Bad personal hygiene.   No smells, leaks, scabs or wounds that will never heal.  Makeup is nice; try to keep it this side of mime.  Soap is recommended, shampoo works, and all those arcane female things that women do in the big city are cool, just don’t tell me about them, or have them where I can see them, or refer to them, or anything else.

7)         If she mumbles things like “I’ll never have to work again once I’m pregnant” while eyeing you with a cheshire grin like she is sizing you up for the doghouse, it’s time to re-introduce yourself to rosy palm.  At once.  Check for pinholes in your boot inventory.

8)      If she tries to re-organize your apartment she has to go.  She can clean it if it makes her happy, she can even do the dishes and the laundry if she really wants to mommy you up, but don’t start moving knicknacks out from under piles of….your stuff.

9)      You had that cuestick since kindergarten, don’t let her make you throw darts.

10)   She immediately becomes best friends with your mom, after accidentally showing up at your mom’s house, which is in a different part of the country.

Lagniappe:  Remember that these are only guidelines, and if you are some really pitiful looking sap then you probably will overlook one or more of these.  If you really look like a doorstop then you probably shouldn’t be too picky.  Really handsome guys, you know who we are, have to wade through gorgeous babes just to get to the unemployment line.  Don’t hate us.

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