The Art of the Break-Up (For Him)

We both know the bitch is pyscho. She texts you nonstop, helps herself to your stuff, talks about you to all of her friends (and yours, too) and has started wearing flannel pajamas (She stole them from you!). Sure, she’s got a lot of good qualities, and she’s giving in some ways. But obviously not the right ways if you want to break up with her. She cares about you/likes having you as a trophy/is grateful to have someone. Whatever the case may be, she’s got to go. 

Very few of us, if asked, would say that we’ve mastered the art of the break-up, but most of us have had to face one or several and (perish the thought!) might have to face another one or more over the course of a lifetime. It’s a good idea to have a game plan. Be prepared, and all that. The problem is, every situation is different, and every woman is different. The good news is, there are only a handful of strategies to examine before deciding which one works for you. 

First of all, examine your goals and take a look at the nuances of the situation. Is it possible to maintain goodwill between the two of you or remain friends? Do you share the same social circles? Are you likely to see this person out? These questions are important in determining your strategy for handling the break-up. Think of your soon-to-be-ex as your PR Rep. Keep in mind that she will most likely have the ability to affect your dating pool, and can use her insights on you for good or evil. She probably knows your hangouts, your friends, your family, and a fair amount of other females in her age-range.  She also knows you (and your hot buttons) pretty darn well by now. There’s a lot of power in this knowledge. Respect the powers that be.

• The Finger. Pretty much any overt break-up is going to be a huge blow to a girl’s self-esteem. Telling her about it up front might give her the opportunity to understand, and that’s great. It also gives her the ability to object and try to coax, cajole and convince you out of it by any means at her disposal (and some of those might be pretty persuasive). Unless you cry and grovel, you’re going to be the asshole. On the upside, being persuaded might be fun. On the down, if her persuasive efforts have no sway on you, she may feel used (even if you’ve ostensibly agreed that it is what it is) and up the psycho quotient.
• In Person This method has all the ingredients to result in break-up sex. This is generally bad, bad juju. One of you is not going to get what you want out of it. Enough said. Other pitfalls include tears, arguments and general refusal to let go. 
• By Phone This method is traditionally an assish way to go. She couldn’t have been all that important to you if you won’t walk her through it in person…. right? “But wait,” you’re saying…. “This is a break-up…. how much does she mean to me?” Obviously not enough. But fear the wrath and the stigma that will come of using this route. Girls all over your city will be pointing at you and whispering when you go out. Way to get attention, Studmuffin! Except, they’ll be whispering “What a scumbag!”
• By Email This is roughly on par with a phone call… except it detaches you way more, thereby making you an even bigger asshole. I mean, she can technically respond, but how likely are you to even read it? This relieves a lot of stress from you, at the get-go. It’s a slacker’s paradise, though.  She can forward this straight to your mom, your next girlfriend, the Pope… Or your grandkids in 50 years. Nice going, loser.
• By Letter Dear Janes are really only successful if you’re actually going to disappear. If you’re not leaving town, cross this item off the list. No matter how sweetly you tell her you didn’t deserve her and were thinking of her, really, it’s just that you’re no good for her, she’s going to challenge it when she sees you and she will give all of her friends and family the gory details and probably show them all your letter. If she’s anything like me, she’ll save the letter in a box of mementos in perpetuity. Be sure whatever you say is worthy of being archived and can survive the telephone-tag test and that you’ll be able to act sufficiently heartbroken when you do see her again. 
• By Proxy Unless you have a restraining order or are in middle school, I can’t even imagine why you’d consider this. And if you have a restraining order or are in middle school, it’s pretty much a given that you’re breaking up at some point in the near future. Does it really even need to be said?

Consider carefully the arguments you stand to face if you attempt a direct approach in your breakup. If you decide to be mature about this, you’ll need to go into the situation well-armed. One exceptionally crazy but common argument is that you are not the only person involved in this decision and therefore should not make it on your own. Yes, this can sound rational in the guilt-ridden moment. But even if your girlfriend feels devastated by this loss of control, stay your course. If you feel this decision was right for you, it’s important that you stick to it.