The Gift of Conflict in Relationships

There is a gift in every conflict people who care about each other have.

One will never really ‘get into it’ with someone they don’t care about – indeed, that two people have let their defenses down enough to be triggered so strongly is a reflection of how safe they feel around each other.

Our own beliefs about ourselves, which we defend and try to uphold can be shaken and rattled. We have, reflected back to us, things we find unacceptable. Sometimes we break our own values in an effort to defend the values we say are important.

The boundaries that we use to define ourselves, so we feel good about ourselves, can become polarized. Thus, we see ourselves as being honest and the other person dishonest. Or we see ourselves as caring, and the other person as not.

We are all human, and we are all capable of feeling the greatest love as well as the worst hatred. Most unpleasant behavior is a tragic expression of the pain within an individual. We all have deep scars from our past which we try to protect.

In conflict, the traits that we find so unappealing about ourselves and others are brought to the surface. As the conflict intensifies, our own past hurts are brought out for us to address, feel, and own. We can realize that, we too, are not upholding our own values; indeed, that we have some aspects in our own personality that have been unowned.

Each persons perspective, viewpoint and way of doing the world are precious; the world is much richer place because of each person in it. In conflict, we are called to grow; to look at the world differently, to accept something about someone else that was, beforehand, unacceptable. By accepting this in others, we accept it in ourselves and love ourselves more deeply. “Those who seem the most unlovable are the ones that need it the most.”

In this, conflicts are beautiful gifts that we give to each other as a way of helping us see ourselves more clearly.