The List

My mother gave me a great piece of advice not long ago. “Everyone has a list of things they want in a mate,” she said. “Your list should contain more qualities and values than characteristics or features.”

It’s the difference between saying you want someone who’s funny and desiring someone with a sense of humor… or wanting a man with a backbone vs. one who can lead.

We make lists based on what we have experienced and what we have witnessed. I’ve said before that at the top of our lists should be the things we need from a significant other. The things we want should be further down, and here’s why:

If I’m looking for someone who wants 2.5 kids, what I need is someone who is family-oriented, patient, dependable, etc. Qualities and values over characteristics or features. Wanting children does not equip a person to be a good parent. One who possesses the qualities of leadership, patience and dependability, however, demonstrates that he or she is capable of taking on that kind of responsibility.

A person who is funny can make you laugh all day long, but a person with a sense of humor not only makes you laugh, but also likely sees the glass as half full.

Now, keep in mind, here, that what you put on this list, you must be able to match. If you are looking for someone who is trustworthy, you need to possess that quality yourself.

I often joke about dating by comparing it to the hiring process in the workplace.  You start with a job listing that includes the title of the position, the main attractor to the employer, requirements and qualifications, a description of the job, and the application process.

The Breakdown:

• Title – If a company is looking for an office manager, the title of the job should not be “Receptionist”.  The title should be clear and accurate. If you are looking for a serious relationship, stop listing the position as temporary.
• The Main Attractor – Why would someone who comes across your “ad” apply for the job? This is where you list the qualities and values you possess that will attract applicants. (Note that in many large, successful companies, this is listed before the candidate requirements.)
• Requirements and Qualifications –This is not a place to communicate what you don’t want. These are the qualities and values a person needs to have in order to be considered for the job.
• Job Description – Your plan for the future. This is where you acknowledge your desire to have children (or not), travel the world, run for office, start your own business, etc. It is also the place to state the desire and potential for growth. If the candidate gets to this point and is still interested, he/she is ready to apply.
• Application Process – Dating. Once you receive the application and resume, you check references and set up an interview. If all goes well, you will have found a new member of your team.

I highly recommend and encourage making this type of list because it’s more of a challenge than you might think.  It forces you to evaluate the type of people you “hire,” which says more about you than anyone else.