Toxic Relationships

It is not that there’s a warning, nor are these relationships categorisable. Often the term is applied to a partner, But in more cases than we like to admit, toxic relationships exist within families.

Sibling rivalry is too frail a term for the kind of seething hatred that often exists between brothers/sisters. In most cases the younger hates the elder, although there are a few that go in the other direction. 

The elder brother/sister is often seen as the template.  Where the elder is bright or popular or athletic or in some ways ‘better than’ the younger there is no pride no ‘looking up to’; there is a resentment that is fertilized and grown into a full fledged hatred, often hidden until such time as it can manifest.

The luckier elder brother/sister gets out before the explosion.  This will not be taken by the younger as the end of the relationship, for the absent one is crowned with horns and every possible evil attributed.

If the elder has a close relationship with the parents this is a great problem for the younger.  He must get the attention at all costs.  If the elder does not have a close relationship with the parents, the younger will work very hard to poison the feelings of the parents towards the missing child.

In some cases children develop this anger towards their parents.  In divorce, for example, the absent parent may be enshrined or denigrated.  The present parent may be ‘punished’  or so totally absorbed that he or she is virtually unable to form new relationships.

In some cases parents may resent their children for destroying their lives, blaming them, criticising, so that nothing they do is good enough.

The way to judge a toxic relationship is ‘how do you feel?’  If talking to the other on the phone makes you uncomfortable, depressed, angry, this is a toxic relationship.  And, regardless of the blood ties, needs to be terminated.

There is no reason for adults to subject each other to emotional torture.  No reason to keep trying when each attempt is merely a vent allowing the sulphuric acid of hate to wash you.

Yes, it is not a happy conclusion, but one has to admit defeat.  One must at some point appreciate that there is nothing more that can be said or done.  The relationship is never going to be one of affection, forgiveness, acceptance, it is always going to be mired in some past experience which is relived over and again each time the others voice is heard, or the email arrives.

Although one does not want to give up, there comes a point when it is a constant reset; for example, after a month of back and forth finally one believes the matter is settled only to find themselves back at start as if the entire discussion never happened.

If you are upset, depressed, unhappy, each time you communicate with a particular person, stop.