Turning an Abusive Relationship Into a Healthy One

CONFRONT YOUR PARTNER AND SET BOUNDARIES

Learn to set and protect your boundaries as a general rule, especially with your romantic partner. Whenever he behaves toward you in a clearly unacceptable manner, bring it to his attention. Let him know when he is treating you in ways that you do not accept.

To keep your boundary setting from becoming another exercise in blaming your mate for the facets of your life you refuse to control, ask yourself:

*Am I getting some sense of control, power, or release our of always being angry with him? If so, why? Where is this feeling coming from, and what can I do about it?

*Am I clearly and firmly letting him know I will not accept his bad behavior? Or am I avoiding the real issue, saying things I don’t really mean, or saying nothing at all?

* Have I communicated to him in such a way-by being firm, by giving him fair warning-that he truly believes, and is threatened by the prospect, that I might leave?

*What action can I take immediately that will make clear to him that I will not accept the way he is treating me?

Once you are sure that you’ve kept your house in order, let him know how you feel, and describe precisely what consequences he can expect the next time he violates the boundary.

RESOLVE ISSUES FROM THE PAST TO STRENGTHEN YOURSELF TODAY

If you have suffered an injustice in the past that you believe is still haunting you, confront the person who hurt you, if that’s possible. If you discover that your mate makes you feel exactly the same way one of your parents did, work on issues with that parent. Working on these problems at the source often dilutes your mate’s power to tap into them.

Perhaps your father controlled your mother, and she accepted it, or vice versa. Maybe in your social group, controlling, even mildly abusive, behavior is considered normal. If possible, talk to your father and mother. Ask them why the behaved as they did; then tell them how their behavior affected you. Resolve, and let everyone know, that you will not behave like a victim anymore and that any relationship you have must change to reflect that, or they must end.

TAKE MORE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE, NOT HIS

Get your life in order. It is very difficult to project strength and confidence when you confront your mate if you are afraid that breaking up will leave you broke, lonely, jobless, and/or friendless. Any area of your life that you do not control-be it physical, financial, emotional, or social-is an area in which you are vulnerable to your mate’s control and to others.

Be honest in assessing your strengths and weaknesses. If you need to secure your financial future, you may want to get a job and/or consult an attorney about how best to protect yourself within the marriage. If you feel you need emotional support, reach out to friends and other loved ones. If your entire social life revolves around his family, his friends, and his co-workers, start building your own support network.

Make time to be alone, to think about how your life may be better without him. Even if you can fairly and honestly attribute a relationship’s decline to other factors, ultimately most women will walk out secretly wondering whether they have failed personally. Now is the time to remind yourself of your strong points.