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Understanding Women and Their Desires

I’ve written this for all the men who have a genuine desire to understand women and for all the women who would love men to understand them.

‘Men do not understand women.’ How could they? There’s an old joke I’d like to share with you that illustrates this point so well.

A man finds an old lamp on the beach and gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie tells the man that he has one wish (whatever happened to the other two?) The man thinks for a bit and then says, “I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii but I’m afraid of flying and I get seasick on a ship. Could you create a highway from my beachfront home in Malibu to Hawaii?” The genie laughs, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of creating such a highway. How would the support beams even reach to the bottom of the Pacific ocean? And that’s just for starters. Can’t you ask for something else?” The man thinks for a while and then replies, “Ok, I wish I understood women.” To this the genie responds, “Would you like that highway to have two lanes or four?”

Dr. Roger Sperry won the Nobel Peace prize in Medicine and Physiology in 1981 for his breakthrough research on the difference in brain functions between male and female babies. He discovered that between the 16th and 26th week of gestational development in the womb, a chemical reaction occurs in the brains of boys that does not happen in the brains of girls. Two chemicals are released that slow down the development of the right side of the brain. Dr. Sperry found out what all women already know, men are born with a disadvantage and it gets worse… ;)  

Jokes aside, we have all been taught the right side of the brain is the creative centre of brain but it’s a little more than that. It is the part of the brain that deals with the emotions and it is also the ‘caring’ and ‘nurturing’ part of the brain. Those who claim that women and men are alike should do a little research. We are vastly different in the way we think and respond because we are different physiologically.

Henry Higgins the fictional character who had the unenviable task of turning Eliza Doolittle into a real lady, retorted, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

I’m not going to go into all the physiological differences between men and women because many of them are obvious. Women were uniquely created to bear children and care for them. Men were designed to be hunters and providers. I know that in this modern age we have largely departed from our traditional roles and women are now taking on erstwhile traditionally male roles and vice versa. There are great female leaders and providers and great male house-husbands who nurture and care for the children while their wives go out and bring in the bacon but this is not the way nature intended for it to be. If it were, men would have been created like seahorses. If you don’t know what I’m talking about pull out your encyclopedia or google the reproductive processes of a seahorse and you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

The purpose of this article is not to discuss the differences between men and women ad nauseum. It is to help men understand women a little better…something I know that some men would dearly love. Conversely I’d love to understand men better but that’s another subject.

‘To understand a woman is to love her’ ~ Unknown

If this were true, you could not possibly love a woman. Get this one thing straight. You will NEVER fully understand a woman but you will understand her better if you WANT to. This is the KEY.

In order to GAIN anything in life you must first WANT it. Desire, coupled with passion leads to action and action coupled with awareness leads to understanding. ~ Chanti

A couple with marital problems visited a marriage counselor in hope that he could help their relationship. The marriage counselor listened attentively to them both and after a short pause for thought, he strode around his desk, lifted the woman to her feet and then he swung her back in his arms and kissed her passionately on the lips. Her milquetoast husband was nonplussed but didn’t say a word. At this point, the counselor looked intently at the husband and said, “This….is what your wife needs every day!” to which the startled husband responded meekly, “What time should I bring her in every day?”

Men use romance to get sex.
Women use sex to get romance.

Ouch, I can almost hear the libbers rising up in defence over that one. Before you get on your high horses, I didn’t coin that expression. I don’t know who did but there is some truth in it.  When a woman says to a man, “Please hold me,” a man may take this to be an invitation to have sex. His testosterone levels are charged up and he mentally rubs his hands with glee and thinks ‘Tonight is my lucky night!’. She simply wants to be held. I’m not saying that this scenario couldn’t lead to passionate love-making but it’s not the woman’s purpose or goal. In order for a woman to feel loved, she needs to be held, cuddled and caressed. If a man tended to her needs without expectation of sex (Please note: Men usually aim for the end result while women focus on the process) he is more likely to get what he wants. I’m not saying that women are not sexual creatures. We are but we’re built differently to men. Whereas a man can be visually stimulated and get turned on, a woman usually requires other ‘deeper’ stimulus. A woman needs to be turned on emotionally before she can be turned on physically. I’ve heard men say ‘My wife is not interested in sex.’ and I’ve wondered ‘Why?’ and asked “Was she ever interested in sex?” Yes there are women AND men who may have physiological  or psychological problems that may affect their libido but I’m not talking about these. He will often reply, “Oh yes, when we were first married she couldn’t get enough of me but she seems to have lost interest.”
There are numerous reasons why women may lose interest in sex. Raising children is exhausting and after a hard day, a woman may not feel like the sexiest creature on earth and may find her husband’s advances tiresome but this is only one of a multitude of reasons.

Note that I said ‘…a woman may not feel like the sexiest creature on earth…’ In order for a woman to BE sexy, she needs to FEEL sexy. This is where your understanding of her makeup will make a huge difference. In order for a woman to feel sexy, she needs to feel beautiful (at least in your eyes). You can’t MAKE anyone feel anything but you can boost her self esteem by not focusing on her weaknesses but rather on her strengths. 

What you focus on grows and what you neglect shrinks. 

If you want your woman to be beautiful, treat her as though she were the most beautiful creature to have ever graced the face of the earth. We become what we think and you can influence what she thinks by what you say. This might be overly simplistic but it’s a basic truth. Try it out. You don’t even need to say the words ‘You are beautiful’ to make a woman feel beautiful although you should. If you pay her attention, look deeply into her eyes when she talks and make an effort to treat her with respect and love, she will blossom. Men and women love to be appreciated. We know that there are different love languages and how we show our appreciation and love may vary according to our partner’s needs but most people respond well to positive words and affirming actions. If you had to say to your wife, “You are so beautiful, I only have eyes for you,” and the next minute lasciviously stare at the waitresses long legs, she is likely to believe you about as much as she will believe a politician’s pre-election promises. Your actions need to match up to your words.

The feminist movement started in the late nineteenth / early twentieth century started for all the right reasons but as so often happens, the movement was taken to extremes. Feminists argue that sexed identities such as ‘man’ and ‘woman’ are social constructs. I won’t go down that road right now because I have strong ideas about this subject that might not be very popular. It’s a controversial subject that evokes strong feelings in men and women alike. We know that there are no hard and fast rules and we cannot state anything as a broad fact when it comes to humanity. Just on one level: Men were physiologically created to perfectly complement a woman’s physiology but we know that not all men are attracted to women and vice versa. Not all women are emotional and not all men are logical. You cannot make generalised statements like these and hope to get away with them. When I share what women want, I’m sharing subjectively but I know that I’m not alone in these thoughts having shared this subject with many women and taking in their views.

There are women the world over who seem to have lost a sense of their own femininity and the truly crazy thing is that these are women who often refer to themselves as ‘feminists’. As you can tell, I’m not a member of the ‘bra-burning’ brigade. Quite aside from the fact that I find this whole concept to be bizarre, bras have a practical purpose and I don’t really want to have breasts that look like Spaniel’s ears in a few years. *winks*

It is my opinion that most women, even those who have taken up traditionally masculine roles, do want to be feminine and they feel feminine in the presence of a man who has confidence in his own masculinity. Most women do not want wimps. We like men who are self-possessed, confident and protective of us. We do want to feel protected and safe with our men. We enjoy men who are decisive and who will take control in tenuous situations. I’m not talking about cave men who drag us about by the hair and who demand obedience and subservience from their women. Try that one out in this day and age and you’ll have an extremely rebellious woman on your hands.  It’s often said that men are attracted to beautiful women and women are attracted to powerful men. This is a gross generalisation because attraction is such a complex mechanism but men are visual creatures and attraction is more likely, at least in the initial stages, to be based on what they see. Women may also be attracted to looks but you will often find that women will be very attracted to men who would not be termed conventionally attractive simply because the man has such an aura of power or confidence. He is the kind of man that walks into a room and commands attention because he is self-confident and seems to be in control. He is the kind of man who will  make her feel safe. In short, one of things that most women seek, whether they admit it or not, is SECURITY. When a man cannot provide her with security, she will provide it for herself and she will lose respect for her man or men in general. Men in turn have felt threatened by the emerging Amazon women who no longer seem to need them and they may slip into a form of complacency. It really has become a vicious circle. Nevertheless, this was not intended to be a political statement or even a dissertation on the differences between men and women. It was intended to help men gain some kind of understanding of the wants and needs of a typical woman.

Women want men to listen, really listen. Please be aware that women don’t always directly say what they mean. This is where you will find confusion creeping in. How do you know what a woman means if she doesn’t tell you? Oh boy I wish I had a dictionary to offer men to help in this department. Men find the subtleties of feminine communication hard to understand. Women often take a circuitous route to a point whereas a man simply wants ‘the point’. He may become so confused by her form of communication he will start to wonder what she is getting at and when she finally communicates a point directly, he will say ‘What do you mean?’ Is it any wonder he doesn’t get it? I wish I could teach women how to communicate their needs more directly to men. It would make our lives so much simpler. Women prefer to be more subtle. We are also more inclined to hint at what we want or need rather than coming straight out and saying it. One way in which you can help a woman overcome this and get directly to the point is to reassure her. Women may avoid being direct because they fear a negative reaction. Tell her that you’d prefer for her to be very clear about what she wants and tell her that you will listen carefully and consider what she is telling you calmly before responding and keep that promise. Ask her if she requires an answer. Sometimes women share for the sake of sharing and don’t necessarily require anything from you but a willing ear. Men are problem-solvers by nature and when a women shares the details of a problem, they are inclined to click into ‘logic’ mode and tell her how to solve the problem when all she really wanted was for him to listen and make the right noises.  It may be hard for you to keep your mouth shut in these circumstances but if you learn to listen without trying to solve her problems, you will find that she will be more open to you in future. She will also be more inclined to listen to any advice you may wish to offer. If you’re not sure whether you should offer anything up, ask her. “Would you like my advice here?” More often than not she’ll be more receptive if you phrase it this way. Now don’t make statements like, ‘You must…’ or judge her actions e.g. ‘How could you be so stupid as to….’ etc. The best way to tackle this is the way women deal with one another e.g. ‘Well what I would do is….’ and then end off with ‘What do you think?’  Always make her feel like her own opinion counts and you’re not just telling her what to do.

Obviously there is a lot more that I could share but I feel that I’ve covered a few key points here. 

To summarise:

WHAT WOMEN DESIRE:
Romance
Physical affection (Cuddles)
Appreciation / Validation 
Respect
Security (to feel safe)

The final point is vital….LISTEN

You will only understand what a woman wants if you are prepared to listen to her and if you truly desire understanding. It’s an ongoing process and the more you listen, the more you will learn.

I wrote this article with the intention of helping men gain an understanding about women and their needs but this doesn’t let women off the hook. Any relationship is a two-way street and their should be effort on both sides. I think it’s just as important that women try to gain an understanding of men and apply themselves to meeting their needs as well. I hope this article has been of some help and would love feedback if it has.

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  1. Michelle Close Mills

    On August 5, 2009 at 3:57 pm


    As always, a very well thought out, well described essay regarding the most complicated of relationships…the one between male and female. Do you suppose they’ll ever get it Chants? I’m praying enough of them read your article to start a revolution! Won’t that be a nice surprise? :-) Michelle

  2. Gene Williamson

    On August 5, 2009 at 6:00 pm


    Chanti, I think I agree with every point you made. Obviously, the key to any successful relationship is communication in all its
    forms. I love women but I’m afraid that too mjuch understanding
    (if that’s possible) might take the joy and mystery out of the relationship, and I have a feeling that women enjoy the mystery
    of being women. Of course, I could be wrong–according to
    some of the women I have known and loved. Nevertheless,
    I enjoyed your article. -gene.

  3. Shee

    On August 5, 2009 at 7:16 pm


    GREAT ARTICLE CHANTI! I loved reading this! Thank YOU for Sharing!

    Hugs and Blessings, Passion_Purple,SHEE

  4. Roger Ochs

    On August 5, 2009 at 8:46 pm


    Chanti,

    You’ve done a service to men. However, I’m curious as to how it became the male duty to understand women. Do we males not suffer a plethora of cliches as well?

  5. Annemary

    On August 5, 2009 at 8:59 pm


    Excellent! If only THEY would read this, assimilate it and then accommodate it. Not holding my breath though.

  6. ChantiNiven

    On August 5, 2009 at 9:25 pm


    Thanks to all of those who have left comments.

    Roger, I’m not saying it is the man’s duty to understand a woman. It is a two-way street of course but I’m not in a position (yet) to write an article about what men want. I wrote this article to help men who wish to understand women but find it difficult and for women who wish their men understood them as I stated in the introduction. My writing is laced with some humour and some of my statements are light-hearted and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. (Read in context). In spite of this, I think that men could genuinely learn something from this and I can see the ladies’ heads nodding up and down as I say this. Take from it what you will though. ;)

  7. Sandie Angel

    On August 5, 2009 at 9:48 pm


    Many of these are true! But I think the way to a good relationship is through mutual understanding.

    Sandie Angel :o )

  8. Derailedpoet

    On August 6, 2009 at 4:08 pm


    Excellent!!!

  9. Derailedpoet

    On August 6, 2009 at 4:10 pm


    Excellent, well written and though out.

  10. Pieter42roses

    On August 6, 2009 at 5:10 pm


    How much more simple could it be than..

    She must feel loved
    appreciated
    special
    safe

    very special

    Chanti..well written!

    Just confirmation that it is so extremely simple….but for some or other reason our specimen love to make things so much more complex, just give a sincere flower or two, a hug, a sincere compliment..

    And right now, the finches are starting to get their sunfilled yellow feathers out in display of spring…

    Lots of love and good wishes!

  11. Wendy

    On August 6, 2009 at 5:13 pm


    Hi Chanti,
    You write beautifully, however I do feel a huge amount of women actually have a somewhat different attitude to this subject. Perhaps i am definitively referring to women who are fiercely independant, enough so, “not” to ever want to be co-dependant, or rather those of us that have the feel more for a business kind of result..ie: what you put in is what you get out. I think with most of us now preferring the metro-sexual in the form of a well cared for male, we cant expect him to be the “skin” clad tarzan person with huge shoulders unless we take on the role of an old fashioned stay at home almost pathetic female…it all works both ways. Men are as sensitive as we are…i think they deserve as much care as we do in fact.

  12. ChantiNiven

    On August 6, 2009 at 5:48 pm


    Thanks for reading my article Wendy and for the compliment about my writing and for sharing your own views. In the article I stated that my views are subjective but I know that they are also shared by many other women as I’ve noted from my discussions with friends and also through my years of counseling. I hope that I haven’t given people the wrong impression through some of my more light-hearted banter that I was in any way suggesting that women want ‘Tarzan’ like men (although I’m sure that some do) but I think that most women desire men to be masculine and strong (not necessarily physically). Yes, we love men to take care of themselves and look after their appearance but there is a deep-seated need within most women for a man to provide security. If it is not financial security, it will be emotional security she seeks. You may be different and I applaud you for your independence. :-) )

  13. Bronwyn

    On August 7, 2009 at 3:34 am


    Hey Chanti! Beautiful and captivating article, I really enjoyed it!

  14. Joanne Nall

    On August 7, 2009 at 2:25 pm


    Well said Chanti. Thanks for writing this. Hope it is read by millions of people! Jojo

  15. Jessica Turner

    On August 8, 2009 at 10:24 am


    Spot on about what us ladies want and need. You are such an inspiration Chanti and I look forward to lots more articles from you. Pray that millions of people get to read this because we know that this is for the furtherance of God’s true heart, which is to help widows and orphans and those in need. Keep going girl ….. you’re doing a great job.

  16. Caprice Pettem

    On August 8, 2009 at 10:28 am


    Chanti,
    Interesting article. I live in the traditional man’s world of politics and have watched women and men interact while trying to win power. I believe that strong women are attracted to strong men and that truly strong men are not afraid of strong women. That is perhaps simplifying things but there is a type of controlling man who only wants a woman that does what he says. I believe that this type of man is very insecure and doubts his worth. The female version of this is the woman who a) thinks that life is empty if she doesn’t have a man and b) views all other women as competition.
    I agree with you that the way to a women’s desire is to treat her as a woman of worth.
    Thanks for the article.
    Cappy

  17. Mitzi Jackson

    On August 10, 2009 at 1:54 pm


    I really enjoyed this article and will be back to read more
    very interesting

  18. haresh07

    On August 21, 2009 at 4:41 pm


    wow…one of the best ever read on this topic…keep it up

  19. Michael Degenhardt

    On August 24, 2009 at 2:21 pm


    This seems well researched and is so clearly presented in a nonopinionated way, tehreby allowing readers to learn and make their own decisions. Very well written. Michael

  20. Karen Connell

    On August 31, 2009 at 5:29 pm


    Very well written! I’m guessing I’m a feminist but I don’t know anyone who actually “burned a bra” – That was a media creation of backlash.
    I do believe that your assessment of what women want is very good and beautifully put together.
    Thank you for taking on an age old, universal issue.
    Karen C.

  21. Peter Cimino

    On November 27, 2009 at 5:24 pm


    The most important things you mentioned are appreciation, validation and respect. I say throw in friendship and communication. And of course attraction, which takes care of the physical and sexual part. Well done.

  22. T. S. GARP

    On February 17, 2010 at 4:32 pm


    Another great article Chanti!

  23. Stan Wilson

    On February 18, 2010 at 7:20 am


    this is a very interesting and worthwhile article,everyone should read this it is very good excellent.ohh about the seahorse its the love dance they perform that is so beautiful..and of course the role the male plays when it comes to the younguns in the family…You are so right about listening to women,and thats just what the devil as a wiley old snake did,he listened very intently,hung on every word she spoke and knew exactly what she wanted, she had all the other trees in the beautiful garden,except the tree of knowledge,of good and bad.God had told her that they would die if they touch this one tree in the garden,But the devil knew what Eve the woman wanted,knew her desires,because he listened to her,and so said to the woman is it so that God said you will die,I tell you,you positively will not die,( the first lie),for God knows in the day of your eating from that tree you will be like him,knowing good and bad.Of course we all know what happen,Adam and Eve are not here today, If they had listen to God they would be,but it was history for them,and would be for us too,but somebody else came along,to pay the ramsom that our first parents lost,but thats another chapter…yep you are right we men just need to really really listen when women speak.but we dont want to act like the devil….

  24. scott

    On June 23, 2010 at 2:46 pm


    Great Article. I am a “self-possessed, confident and protective” guy and I even learned a bit from this. ;)

  25. Bruce Younggreen

    On June 23, 2010 at 6:09 pm


    Ah, communication. The thing that sets us apart from …

    …ourselves.

    When you think about it, communication should be impossible. Within the brain, an idea forms without words or boundaries. It is a product of memories, associations, the emotional triggers that fire when those memories and associations emerge, a tearing down of something familiar in order to construct something divergent, combined with analysis and logic and feelings and images. This idea then has to be re-constructed and shaped by words before the brain can attempt to express it outwardly. That expression could take the form of music or art or actions. It could be observed by others. It could take the form of written or spoken words. It could be hear or read by others. But whether it is observed, heard, or felt by someone else, it must then be interpreted in their brain, deconstructed from words which the recipient may understand differently than the sender understood, reformulated into thoughts that are shaped by the recipient’s memories, emotions, experiences, etc. It’s a wonder any of us can communicate anything at all!

    Chanti, you have done a marvelous job at communicating a woman’s perspective for a man’s understanding. Thank you for giving me something to think about, to shape and mold into my own memories, emotions, and experiences.

  26. chris

    On June 23, 2010 at 7:54 pm


    Wise and articulate words from, you guessed it, a wise and articulate woman.

  27. Ivy Nguyen

    On June 23, 2010 at 9:12 pm


    Love it!!

  28. Marty Styles

    On June 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm


    Great insight Chanti….. I wish I would have read your article a year or two earlier. It may have made a positive impact on my relationship and life with my x-wife. Thank you so much for all the love, passion and food for thought that you give us in your words.

  29. kai

    On May 16, 2012 at 11:20 am


    Well thanks Chanti.
    I love your willingness to be curious and open about your views.
    Well i read your second article and to be honest i felt like there were some interesting bits yet it did not feel like it matched or hit the spot for me and that (perhaps not surprisingly ?) i liked more your first article from your perspective, it was more illuminating to me, &yet i like your openness and courage to risk giving your perspective, & inviting comments.
    I liked in your second article what you said about a man wanting a woman in bed who is (perhaps my words here?) ‘matching ‘ him for sexual openness ,wildness and experimentation and he (well more accurately i could say I) do get turned on and feel very ?? ‘manly’ or something ? when a woman tells me verbally or through her body, when she shows me as well that she has been brought to a point of letting go by me, &great pleasure has flowed through her because of me &that she has acknowledged that and told me. That is a great, and somehow male, turn-on for me. And from what i can make out , it is an important valued thing for other men too, to fell like you have somehow sexually fulfilled a woman and for a time she was dominated and pleasured to the point of not being able to take any more, while wanting you to give her more ,until the point she is left satisfied and somehow dominated and spent.
    Now this is perhaps a graphic illustration of men women relations, brought down to a single act, or to an experience that lasts in its own time and space.
    Yet there are a few reasons, in my mind, not to shy away from such a discussion or such an example. One is that we can always deny what someone else is saying about the differences between men and women isn’t true because they have an example of a friend of theirs who wants and likes the opposite of what i am saying, so it can’t be true!!
    yet what i am wanting to point out (as David deida does and much of the tradition of tantra does) that men and women are a mix of female & male energies. There is no explaining what a woman is like or what a man is like. There is only explaining that the balance is going on inside us,sometimes dominating in our feminine aspect, (say for example when a man is in a bath just enjoying the warmth not really focussed on thinking about anything but enjoying the moment) & sometimes dominating in our male aspect, (perhaps playing rugby and a man decides with all his muscle & determination he is going to force himself over that line with that ball in his hands). Yet at any moment he may not be demonstrating that male aspect of himself (it is getting more socially acceptable for him to do so) but still the majority of his feminine aspects are mostly going to be exhibited at times when he feels safe enough to let that aspect out, which except for more advanced balanced men, will not be so much in public, but may well come up in intimate moments with the partner. which without getting into this too deeply here, it seems to me that it is generally here, in bed, where gender shift and reversed gender openness (ie the man demonstrating female traits or the woman demonstrating male) can most safely be played out.
    so it shows up with say the woman riding the man ontop as he remains mostly passive, having it done to him below. In that role the gender rolls have polarized for a few moments (in the sweet game of sex there is perhaps the greatest opportunity for this,not least you normally have all or most of your clothes off and you often take them off much like taking off inhibitions, &ontop of that you are often in a highly playful mood, &feeling hopefully confident to try things in that game with that partner,&explore the sensations that it gives.)
    Sex is a good way of talking about the male & female divides therefore because it is like intensifying the swings of the masculine & feminine that we normalized and often keep from the extremes in the majority of our public life. social acceptance counts for alot because it gives safety for people to act out those parts of themselves that are not normally associated with heir gender. Such as when going to do hard money-driven business oriented jobs,was not socially considered befitting of a woman in the 1950’s, now in our western world it has very little stigma left. &men ,i don’t know ?? blow drying their hair was considered too female in the 1950’s but now would be acceptable for a man in our western societies.
    The point i am trying to make (as you have highlighted already chanti) is that women are not like…anything.
    and men are not like….. Anything either.
    we all have friends who are contradictions to what a man or a woman is supposed to be.
    &it probably doesn’t get far or help much, to talk about men or women as being any particular way.
    Yet it is clear that there are physical difference between men and women and it is clear that there is something that can be talked about as being demonstrated by women, as being female or feminine. in the same way as although we could say that all the people in Africa are clearly people on one hand, yet we could also say that they also have a way of being or way of thinking, that we can associate as being African.
    There is something there !
    Just as there is something there at the root of what it is to be a man, or a woman, or as i see it, male energy and female energy.
    In sex it is like the volume of those demonstrations are turned up.It is more under the microscope &it is heightened. So for the open, this is perhaps the best arena to explore or maybe just see the differences in the male& the female.
    However having said all that, it seems to me that although it is fair to pick up an opinion that generalizes from people we know, or people who we have talked to, or others we have seen. Perhaps our only direct experiences of gender roles& the way that different energies are pushed forward by us at different times,is in ourselves &in our own experiences & it is there that those energies can be categorized into male&female &felt by us.
    So that leads me to speak for myself.
    for me i see an openness in myself to be comfortable with plenty of my female energies as well as my male. I consider my female energy to shine at times when i don’t have a plan for a day, i am just in it,pottering around,flowing with what things of interest come to me.&then i return to my harder firmer more masculine energy when i start to make lists of things to complete or times by which i want something done& finished.
    That is a brief example of the difference to me.The male energy is a different feeling, it is largely based in the thought, it is defined& has clear boundaries, is inflexible yet it is clear.it has a hardness to it yet it is easy to follow &to understand. It looks at what it wants to achieve and in that it has a feeling of a concentration of focus, something that can be held as a thought, it takes effort, sometimes physical effort, actually often physical effort and i can tell if that aim still feels important for me to achieve because that quality of feeling is still there& i know that the aim that i had, has still not been achieved.
    When i am in my female, well that energy feels markedly different, i am no longer holding anything with hardness, anything could happen at any moment,& i am open to it. It feels much less secure not knowing what is happening, but somehow it also feels more alive. The energy wants to add to& to connect with all things but doesn’t want to understand. It wants to be playful & light, but in its lack of boundary, in its freedom of movement,it can go anywhere& can end up in a place of great confusion too. Nothing makes sense because making sense wasn’t the aim of the game, fear can rise, rage, screaming can be a reaction, to feeling that creative flow suffocated or trapped.
    But hey that’s just me !!
    in the end how does this help us understand men& women better& how to get on better?
    well i think it shows that there are real differences between men& women or more accurately there are real differences in masculine energy to female energy.& sometimes we show one part& sometimes if we feel secure enough we show the other.
    To generalize, most men predominate in male energy& they enjoy the experience on a deep level when they do get in touch with their masculine energy.
    &most women predominate in their female energy and they like it &it feels good and juicy&satisfying to them when they let themselves really be inside their soft, creative,female essence.
    So How do we do best get along ?
    well in general terms again, we find& even attract people who have found the same or a similar balance to the one we have worked at inside ourselves. If we are quite alot different in our personal balance with ourselves,we will not match for long &we will undoubtedly pull each other apart as we learn much more about what we don’t want,so we learn what we do want.
    &our own female male balance will always fit another.
    but what balance do we want?

  30. kai

    On May 16, 2012 at 11:21 am


    Well thanks Chanti.
    I love your willingness to be curious and open about your views.
    Well i read your second article and to be honest i felt like there were some interesting bits yet it did not feel like it matched or hit the spot for me and that (perhaps not surprisingly ?) i liked more your first article from your perspective, it was more illuminating to me, &yet i like your openness and courage to risk giving your perspective, & inviting comments.
    I liked in your second article what you said about a man wanting a woman in bed who is (perhaps my words here?) ‘matching ‘ him for sexual openness ,wildness and experimentation and he (well more accurately i could say I) do get turned on and feel very ?? ‘manly’ or something ? when a woman tells me verbally or through her body, when she shows me as well that she has been brought to a point of letting go by me, &great pleasure has flowed through her because of me &that she has acknowledged that and told me. That is a great, and somehow male, turn-on for me. And from what i can make out , it is an important valued thing for other men too, to fell like you have somehow sexually fulfilled a woman and for a time she was dominated and pleasured to the point of not being able to take any more, while wanting you to give her more ,until the point she is left satisfied and somehow dominated and spent.
    Now this is perhaps a graphic illustration of men women relations, brought down to a single act, or to an experience that lasts in its own time and space.
    Yet there are a few reasons, in my mind, not to shy away from such a discussion or such an example. One is that we can always deny what someone else is saying about the differences between men and women isn’t true because they have an example of a friend of theirs who wants and likes the opposite of what i am saying, so it can’t be true!!
    yet what i am wanting to point out (as David deida does and much of the tradition of tantra does) that men and women are a mix of female & male energies. There is no explaining what a woman is like or what a man is like. There is only explaining that the balance is going on inside us,sometimes dominating in our feminine aspect, (say for example when a man is in a bath just enjoying the warmth not really focussed on thinking about anything but enjoying the moment) & sometimes dominating in our male aspect, (perhaps playing rugby and a man decides with all his muscle & determination he is going to force himself over that line with that ball in his hands). Yet at any moment he may not be demonstrating that male aspect of himself (it is getting more socially acceptable for him to do so) but still the majority of his feminine aspects are mostly going to be exhibited at times when he feels safe enough to let that aspect out, which except for more advanced balanced men, will not be so much in public, but may well come up in intimate moments with the partner. which without getting into this too deeply here, it seems to me that it is generally here, in bed, where gender shift and reversed gender openness (ie the man demonstrating female traits or the woman demonstrating male) can most safely be played out.
    so it shows up with say the woman riding the man ontop as he remains mostly passive, having it done to him below. In that role the gender rolls have polarized for a few moments (in the sweet game of sex there is perhaps the greatest opportunity for this,not least you normally have all or most of your clothes off and you often take them off much like taking off inhibitions, &ontop of that you are often in a highly playful mood, &feeling hopefully confident to try things in that game with that partner,&explore the sensations that it gives.)
    Sex is a good way of talking about the male & female divides therefore because it is like intensifying the swings of the masculine & feminine that we normalized and often keep from the extremes in the majority of our public life. social acceptance counts for alot because it gives safety for people to act out those parts of themselves that are not normally associated with heir gender. Such as when going to do hard money-driven business oriented jobs,was not socially considered befitting of a woman in the 1950’s, now in our western world it has very little stigma left. &men ,i don’t know ?? blow drying their hair was considered too female in the 1950’s but now would be acceptable for a man in our western societies.
    The point i am trying to make (as you have highlighted already chanti) is that women are not like…anything.
    and men are not like….. Anything either.
    we all have friends who are contradictions to what a man or a woman is supposed to be.
    &it probably doesn’t get far or help much, to talk about men or women as being any particular way.
    Yet it is clear that there are physical difference between men and women and it is clear that there is something that can be talked about as being demonstrated by women, as being female or feminine. in the same way as although we could say that all the people in Africa are clearly people on one hand, yet we could also say that they also have a way of being or way of thinking, that we can associate as being African.
    There is something there !
    Just as there is something there at the root of what it is to be a man, or a woman, or as i see it, male energy and female energy.
    In sex it is like the volume of those demonstrations are turned up.It is more under the microscope &it is heightened. So for the open, this is perhaps the best arena to explore or maybe just see the differences in the male& the female.
    However having said all that, it seems to me that although it is fair to pick up an opinion that generalizes from people we know, or people who we have talked to, or others we have seen. Perhaps our only direct experiences of gender roles& the way that different energies are pushed forward by us at different times,is in ourselves &in our own experiences & it is there that those energies can be categorized into male&female &felt by us.
    So that leads me to speak for myself.
    for me i see an openness in myself to be comfortable with plenty of my female energies as well as my male. I consider my female energy to shine at times when i don’t have a plan for a day, i am just in it,pottering around,flowing with what things of interest come to me.&then i return to my harder firmer more masculine energy when i start to make lists of things to complete or times by which i want something done& finished.
    That is a brief example of the difference to me.The male energy is a different feeling, it is largely based in the thought, it is defined& has clear boundaries, is inflexible yet it is clear.it has a hardness to it yet it is easy to follow &to understand. It looks at what it wants to achieve and in that it has a feeling of a concentration of focus, something that can be held as a thought, it takes effort, sometimes physical effort, actually often physical effort and i can tell if that aim still feels important for me to achieve because that quality of feeling is still there& i know that the aim that i had, has still not been achieved.
    When i am in my female, well that energy feels markedly different, i am no longer holding anything with hardness, anything could happen at any moment,& i am open to it. It feels much less secure not knowing what is happening, but somehow it also feels more alive. The energy wants to add to& to connect with all things but doesn’t want to understand. It wants to be playful & light, but in its lack of boundary, in its freedom of movement,it can go anywhere& can end up in a place of great confusion too. Nothing makes sense because making sense wasn’t the aim of the game, fear can rise, rage, screaming can be a reaction, to feeling that creative flow suffocated or trapped.
    But hey that’s just me !!
    in the end how does this help us understand men& women better& how to get on better?
    well i think it shows that there are real differences between men& women or more accurately there are real differences in masculine energy to female energy.& sometimes we show one part& sometimes if we feel secure enough we show the other.
    To generalize, most men predominate in male energy& they enjoy the experience on a deep level when they do get in touch with their masculine energy.
    &most women predominate in their female energy and they like it &it feels good and juicy&satisfying to them when they let themselves really be inside their soft, creative,female essence.
    So How do we do best get along ?
    well in general terms again, we find& even attract people who have found the same or a similar balance to the one we have worked at inside ourselves. If we are quite alot different in our personal balance with ourselves,we will not match for long &we will undoubtedly pull each other apart as we learn much more about what we don’t want,so we learn what we do want.
    &our own female male balance will always fit another.
    but what balance do we want?

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