What are Men Really Thinking?
by A man’s point of view on the whole relationship scenario.
I’m writing this article because I am currently in a new relationship and try as I may to break bad habits and not repeat mistakes I’ve made in past relationships some things seem to be embedded in my personality due to the experiences I’ve had throughout my life as it pertains to relationships. I keep analyzing everything down to last detail in hopes that this new relationship works, but there are some nagging issues I just can’t figure out.
My new partner has a very outgoing personality. Her current employment is one in which she comes into contact with a variety of people…both men and women. She is very friendly and likes to call everyone “dear” or “honey” regardless of gender, but I feel that this is inappropriate when in a relationship. Breaking it down, I feel that using those terms is wrong because I consider them terms of ENDEARMENT (not to be confused with the movie) and by calling everyone else those names, it doesn’t differentiate me from them or make me any more special in her life. At least that’s how I perceive it. My solution to this situation was NOT to call me by those names.
Next, she one of those people who likes to hug everyone, whether arriving or leaving. Once again, I find this to be inappropriate. My perception is that a hug is an intimate gesture that should be reserved for the two people within the relationship, relatives, and mutual friends, but not for new acquaintances or strangers, especially those of the opposite sex. My view is that if my partner needs a hug, then I should be the one satisfying her need for one…not some other guy. If I’m not providing the attention she needs then either it needs to be communicated OR the relationship needs to end so she can find someone who will provide her with all the attention she needs.
I’ve also expressed that her outgoing personality will give other men the wrong impression about how she feels towards them…give a guy the slightest bit of attention other than saying “hello” and in their minds they think they’re going to get laid – plain and simple. She likes to strike up conversations with anybody about anything, but my view is that getting personal is unnecessary. It’s fine to be polite and considerate to other people, but boundaries have to be drawn somewhere.
It’s my belief that in today’s society there are NO boundaries that can’t be crossed. People just don’t respect other people. Telling a member of the opposite sex that “you’re married” or that you are in a relationship no longer holds any water…the boundaries aren’t respected. The proof is in the high divorce rate and endless cases of extramarital affairs. Where’s the respect to other people?
In the end, we all have to be responsible and have “self-discipline” because that’s what it all boils down to – controlling your own behavior. The only thing you have control over is what YOU do…you can’t control anyone else.
Habits you once had as a single person are no longer acceptable when you decide to enter a relationship, and if you want to continue like you did when you were single…then stay out of any relationships because it just won’t work.
It’s not right to ask someone to change and if you’re unhappy in your relationship – GET OUT OF IT. The other option is to accept the other person for who and what they are, and then deal with the things that may upset you, but that’s a choice you have to make for yourself. Just remember to ask yourself – “Do I really want to do this?”
Relationships are all about sacrifice and compromise…but never let it be surrender.
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Post CommentDarla Cooke
On June 3, 2009 at 9:00 am
Excellent article. You made some very good points here.
Mary
On June 3, 2009 at 1:51 pm
The article really pointed out some things my husband does a lot. So, I guess the little quirks go both ways (male/female)…. And yeah, I don’t like them much either, but I have never said anything outloud about these issues. I was just hoping to enjoy the fact that he comes home to me everynight.
Joie Schmidt
On June 3, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Relationships are definitely give and take. When you love someone and they truly love you back your friendship and relationship will keep you together for life!
Blessings.
Sincerely,
-Liane Schmidt.
dawn xoc
On June 12, 2009 at 6:59 pm
You fell in love with the outgoing vivacious person she is, by asking her to change you may not recognise later the person you fell in love with.
Linda Lori
On July 6, 2009 at 9:58 am
It’s refreshing to hear a man’s opinion/feelings on such subjects. I do know this…that love makes us vulnerable; thus, we need to keep our self-esteem high and mighty!
LoveDoctorLoveGoodBye
On August 22, 2009 at 12:52 am
Excellent article. You make some very good points. First of all, what nationality is your girlfriend from? If she comes from a Latin family or culture, most His panic people are very loving and affectionate with one another. Even Italian and Greek people that I know are like that. Secondly, having an outgoing personality is a plus. You should not worry about this because this is who she is. If you just started going out with her and you mention that you don’t like certain things about her behavior then that will eventually turn her off or she can take it as a sign of you not trusting her or wanting to change her. My advice: Keep going out with her and get to know her more. If everything is going well, keep trusting her until she gives you a reason not to. Anyhow, time will tell anyways. Next, I do agree with you that these days when a woman is too friendly with a guy, the guy automatically gets the wrong idea. I also agree with your statement that people are disrespectful and try to invade your privacy by asking you personal questions. Honestly, I don’t know your girlfriend, but I don’t see any harm in her behavior. If you don’t like some of her habits the hugging people all the time and talking to others then talk to her about it. And you are right, you can only be in control of your behavior. I think that once you gain her trust everything will be fine. best of luck, sorry so long.
sweetievee
On August 22, 2009 at 11:23 am
This article has some very conflicting emotions and statements in it. In one instance you talk about setting and enforcing boundaries and communicating, and in the next you talk about how people shouldn’t try to change people and should just deal with whatever happens. Now, it seems that you are a very well-rounded individual who takes the time to examine himself and his relationships, and strives for improvement wherever possible. This is good. However, we all are humans and there will be times when each of us will do something that the other might not like. A boundary might be crossed that the other didn’t even know existed. An action that might have seemed harmless to one partner might have a completely different meaning to the other partner. And since we have not evolved to be able to read minds, this is where (as you stated before) communication must step in, especially before a person’s unhappiness and feelings of being wronged turns into resentment.
Letting her know when she does something that bothers you and then if she decides to compromise to something that feels good to you and still is true to herself, it isn’t you trying to change her. Both of you have to be true to yourselves, set boundaries, and choose your battles wisely in order to be successful. Keeping something that is important to you inside and just “dealing” with it isn’t being true to yourself or healthy. There is a flipside though. I truly believe balance is essential in everything. And being too picky can turn into being controlling. It can make a person feel like they are being monitored, mistrusted, and unworthy. You don’t want the woman you love to ever feel that way do you?
Try and always see the very core of why something bothers you. Is it really the fact that she uses pleasant names to address other people that bothers you, or is it more the fact that it doesn’t leave you with a special name that only you and she share, which reminds you that you have a sacred place in her life and heart? I think you’re touching on the surface of the solution to the things you mentioned, but keep in mind, things really don’t have to be all or nothing. I don’t believe telling her not to use any terms of endearment is the solution. In fact, it only hurts the both of you by creating distance. Studies have shown that couples using “pet names” and having their own “language” promotes closeness and longevity. Tell her that you’d like her to come up with your own term of affection. Maybe watch some of your favorite movies together, or do some other activities where you can bond and you both can develop fond nicknames?
And the hugging thing. There are different types of hugs. Acquaintances should get a quick squeeze, maybe with a pat on the back, never should it linger. Maybe you can ask her nicely if she would make sure that she’s not hugging people (men) for too long? If hugging is her thing, then that is who she is; however, this does not mean that the hugs can’t be tasteful and appropriate. Just remember though, you are not competing with anyone. YOU have the best from her. And if you continue to be honest and love her in a way that both respects and preserves who she is, then you always will have the best from her. YOU have her heart and connect on a different level. YOUR hugs linger; the hands might roam. You breathe in each other’s scent; take time to feel the chemistry between the two of you. YOUR embraces will always be different because they have a love that is deeper behind them. Do you see how this hug is different than what she gives to other people?
Love respects and bends, but it does not break. Set your boundaries and let her know the things you do not like. Compromise with her, but then trust herr to be herself and still consistently set (and enforce) boundaries for the other people that come into her life. Other people might not respect those boundaries, but as long as she does that’s all that’s necessary. I believe an intelligent man like yourself has picked a woman of intelligence and quality. She doesn’t need a father-figure (which is what you will quickly become) to hover over her and “help” her. You picked a good one. She is capable, and if she isn’t, then you wouldn’t be with her, right?
Rebecca Anne Grant
On August 28, 2009 at 3:07 am
The bottom line is… you must really like this one. You are jealous. This is a common emotion. I used to feel this way about my husband. But, as time went on I realized, if he cheats… I am a free woman, and after 4 kids, 17 years of marriage, and 4 years of dating this man. Freedom sounds pretty good. So… who cares! Anyway, back to you. Being jealous in the begining is normal. You are like a kid with a new toy. You don’t want to share it with anyone. But, eventually that toy will get old to you and you won’t be so protective over it. If you just can’t stand it, tell her you are jealous and that you would really like it if she could tone down some of the hugs or kisses when it comes to men. You wouldn’t believe how much a woman likes the fact that her man finds her to be something to be jealous over. I wish mine would be… at least a little, anyway. I guess he’s just like me. We both just figure that we will always be together and don’t worry about it. I wish you luck. Relationships are hard work, but communication is the way to make them work. If you do ask her to do this for you and she does, be prepared to do something for her, too. She may just ask something of you as well. You never know.
Leonardo da Vinci E.
On October 16, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Why not sit down and talk about how you are going to express love to one another. There are many ways in how to express love. Sit down over dinner in a restaurant and discuss how one the other thinks love should be expressed and put it on paper. Agree to treat one another in those ways as your personal goals. It has to be give and take. Tell her what’s important to you and find out what’’s important to her. But I think you should leave room for compromise because some people are touchy, feel-ie people who naturally have to touch the people around them in a caring way.
lillyrose
On October 16, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I am surprised that you find these things a problem. You said yourself your new lady is out going and thats what you like about her. Don’t try to change her, some people are just more tactile than others and it doesn’t mean she is being disrespectful at all. I hope once you have found a little more confidence within this relationship you will feel more at ease with her friendliness. Good luck.
Kaavs
On October 20, 2009 at 6:13 am
You’ve chose a fab topic to discuss. Looking at the comments, lets just say – being possessive is never wrong. But just be careful about your limits on being possessive.
I can’t imagine what she would be thinking at this point if she were reading this article and all the comments that go with it.
Choose your actions wisely.
Cheers,
Kaavs
Hollywood James
On October 20, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Just an update on the subject matter of this article. The relationship ended two months ago and after agonizing over what went wrong…I’ve come to the conclusion that it wasn’t meant to be and I’m better off being out of this one. I learned that earlier in her life, this woman was an escort. She denies ever having sex, but I find THAT hard to believe considering the profession. All the “dears” and “honeys” along with the hugs are all words and actions that are needed to successful as an escort and command the big money. I got screwed over in this one which reinforces my belief that love just does not exist. She was #17…so…on to #18.
www.fionabeck.com
On October 23, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Excellent article and I totally agree, boundaries are essential and there is a fine line between being open and friendly and giving the wrong impression. I dont think these issues are yours, I think they are things that your GF needs to address before she gives the ‘wrong impression’ to the WRONG person and then wonders why they misunderstood!
LoveDoctorLoveGoodBye
On November 28, 2009 at 8:49 pm
I just came back to this article several months after my last comment. As far as your g/f outgoing personality, that is cool. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I notice a lot of people calling each other dear, love, honey etc. I do agree with you that if she is in relationship with you and calling other guys these endearment names they obviously going to get the wrong idea. I am naturally a friendly and outgoing person and a lot of guys get the wrong idea about me. Let them think whatever they want but I totally understand where you are coming from. Perhaps, the hugging is inappropriate. But it also depends who the person is and how close they are. In Miami, for example, this is very typical of women hugging guys in a friendly way and who knows in what other way. So yes, now I have my serious face all the time because guys a lot of them think that any attention you give them you automatically want them.