What Not to Say When a Relationship Goes Awry

We’ve all been through them — the breakups of our friends’ relationships. Whether it was a new relationship that was beginning to show promise, or a divorce of a long-married couple, or even the breaking-off of a sibling relationship, there are phrases commonly said that are meant to be supportive, but can have a devastating effect on the injured friend. So if any of these phrases spring to mind, don’t say them, please. You may end up losing your friend, too! Your friend may have a broken heart, but these common phrases that make it much worse, when you don’t really intend to hurt anyone. These phrases could cause a lot of resentment between you and lead to the loss of friendship when your friend is already injured.

I always knew he or she was no good, or I never liked him or her. Yes, you want to tell your friend that the person who hurt him or her is a jerk. But if you knew, really knew for a fact, that the other person was no good, why did you let your friend get involved with that person? Why not set a private detective on the person you had suspicions of? I know you are trying to be supportive, but, really, what does this say about you as a friend?

I am not surprised it ended (or the other person behaved badly). Someone said this about the breakup of a twenty-four year marriage which took the husband, the woman’s priest to whom she confessed every week, and all of the woman’s friends of decades by complete surprise, when she had met the wife in passing at a business function and had never even talked to her! Again, if the woman’s husband, her best friends, and the priest to whom she confessed every single week were floored, what supernatural powers did this person have that all of these other people did not? And why didn’t this prescient person warn someone in time to save their marriage?

Please don’t say these things to someone who is in pain. Instead, say things like, “I know you’re going through a tough time and I’d like to help,”  or “Is there anything I can do for you?,” or even the standard “I’m so sorry.” Consult a book on etiquette if you are not sure what to say — most modern books deal with divorce and breakups and how to handle them. Rather than set yourself up as being able to foresee trouble when no-one else can, and endowing yourself with superhuman powers, help your friend through the breakup by being available to run errands for them, or just listen. Not only will you come across as a better friend, but you will not end up losing your friendship in the bargain!