What Now? Relationships After Deployment

Like so many of our soldiers who head off to war, he left a man and came back a disabled veteran; at least that is how he sees it. He’s fighting to keep his disability percentage below 50% so that he is not taken out of the military, because he honestly would not know what to do without it. He’s been a soldier for the last 12 years, and it is all he knows. Sure he likes the fact that our kids will never have to pay tuition, but whether or not he will be able to fully function in civilian life or not remains to be seen. According to our VA family counselor, this happens to a lot of soldiers. They are so hard on themselves for not being able to jump right back into things that their recovery is even more difficult, and it is so hard to watch your loved one go through all this pain and sometimes you just do not know what to do.

People always say communication is key to relationships, but what do you do when you legally can’t talk about it? There are so many things I know would help my husband if he could just talk to someone, but he can’t. When you are in a serious relationship, you both benefit from being able to talk to each other about the major things that go on in your day to day life, but for military couples, that just is not always possible. Even if events were not classified, he cannot talk about them, because he does not want me to know what he went through so that I am not thinking about those difficult moments during the next deployment.

By trying to protect me, he is hurting himself, and there are times I feel he resents me for that. Then there are times when I resent him because I cannot tell him the things that I am feeling because that would impede his healing. Then there is the guilt for the resentment. After a while these feelings happen less and less and you are able to recognize and adjust your actions as you both learn to deal with your new selves. It is a long, slow process, but eventually you will become a regular couple again, with regular communication, both good and bad. Every couple has arguments, and you just need to know that is normal, too. So is the makeup.

Though military couples have challenges that other relationships do not, we have a much larger support system than most couples do. The government and the Veterans Administration have an extensive network of support. It may not always work as quickly as we would like, but they are there to help. In the end, military relationships are simply relationships, and it is essential to remember the “good stuff” in any relationship.

Romance is often left out in an attempt to try and get things back to normal, but it is important that you make time now to go out dancing, take a hike, go to the movies, or have a fun night in (without the kids). You need a chance to just be yourselves and enjoy each other. Take a nice, long bubble bath with candles, scented soaps, maybe even soft, romantic music and relax for an hour or so. Maybe even give each other a neck, back, scalp, hands, or feet massage before your night out.

Just remember to relax and enjoy each other. The more time you are able to spend relaxing and enjoying each other and all that is right in your relationship, the less time you will spend worrying about all the complicated things. Not to say you should avoid them, that would only make things worse, but you should not always being thinking about what is going wrong or you will forget all that is going right. It is especially important for military couples to enjoy each other and to concentrate on the good things, because you never know when that next deployment will be.