What Shall I Call Thee

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I come from an old fashioned orthodox family, which never effected me but in an indirect way it sabotaged my parent’s lives. though they never looked unhappy but their faces, their unhappiness conveyed it all, they might have thought that their little girl was not seeing it but her own childhood was messed up by their fight and arguments, they tried hard to keep me out of it but we lived in the same house and I was growing up and I was able to understand what was the issue it sounded simple to me but I never realized that there was so much to it.

Even they never realized that there was a little chance to solve it but their frustrations occupied the major space in their live.

My mom was 15 and my dad was 21, they both were related, they went to their native town to attend some cousin’s wedding which was cancelled and my grandpa was very fond of my dad and he always wished to make him his son-in-law, and nothing was asked to that little teenager whether she wanted to get married and no one felt that the boy was old enough to make his decision but even he was not asked once they just paid respect to their elder ones and agreed for the marriage.

My mom told me the whole story when she told me all this I was  little girl it was like a story to me and for her it was unburdening her heart, but later on when I grew up when I recalled it I felt so sorry for my parents, once I heard that my dad was already in love with some before he got married but before he could do anything, things moved so fast that he never had a chance to speak and he was a married man  , married to a little girl who knew nothing about, love ,marriage , relationships. It was after 5 yrs of their marriage they started living together and they conceived me and everything was a mess since then, it’s difficult to manage a child and an unhappy marriage and grandparents (father’s parents) wished for a boy but I was a girl, my father loved me so much. My mom struggled for her whole life for a boy she had two miscarriages my father waited fought with his parents and after 10 yrs of long fight they convinced my father to get a divorce and go for a second marriage. And that broke her heart such broken and unhappy marriage had such a bad affect on me that my search for love started very early in life and that process gave me very beautiful experiences, beautiful relationships, which was never disclosed to anybody, the society where I come from says a girl and a boy can never be friends, where love, affairs, or relationships were considered a part of an outrageous or rebellious behavior.