When is It Enough?

If you trust and believe in yourself, you will always know what you should do. You constantly make excuses for your spouse, partner or even yourself. It’s always something. Why? Why does it always have to be this way?

Deep down in the bottom of your heart you always carry this glimmer of hope that things will change. If it hasn’t yet, it won’t. Yet you sit in dispair doing nothing. Part of the problem is in the back of your mind, you know nothing will change, it will always stay the same. This is what constantly puts your heart and mind in turmoil with each other.

You try and rationalize it, even though you can’t make since out of any of it. Why does your spouse do the things he does. I will forever and a day be trying to figure that one out. What makes him tick? Or I should say what doesn’t make him tick? You find yourself holding on, grasping tighter. Why, why would you do this if you already know the outcome?

Do you enjoy pain? You must if that is all you are creating for yourself, is pain, pain and misery. So much has been sacrificed for this so called relationship. It hasn’t all been bad. But why does it have to be bad at all. Don’t get me wrong nothing is perfect. But this, this is far from it.

I blame myself for letting my life turnout this way, I could have chosen a different path, and suppose I still could. It’s never too late is it? Nothing is black and white, although if it were it would make things so much easier. I suppose it will be enough when I am ready.

Ah but those are they keywords, when I am ready. Well, while I am getting ready life will simply pass me by. I know what must be done, am I strong enough, of coarse I am, but do I have the willpower? That remains to be seen.

I should be asking myself what it is that I want so badly, that I can’t have it. Or perhaps just behonest and say it aloud. If I say it aloud who will hear, what will they think, will they even care? Probably not they haven’t yet. Was I destined to be what I am today? Or did Someone elses influences cause this so called life of mine to be the way it is?