When Love Becomes a Fatal Attraction or Addictive

        The third addiction is where you’re dependent on the relationship even if you’re not actually in love with the person (a case of “I hate you, don’t leave me”) and this is often seen in abuse cases. 

        A person may also be addicted to a relationship if they’re clinging to it and can’t get out.  Being in love with someone who’s married or emotionally distant or with a partner who is also addicted to love, sex, drugs or who is unable to commit, is symptomatic of addiction.  Additionally, if your partner is abusive or your needs are not being met, then you’re definitely addicted.

        But don’t confuse addiction with healthy love.  Peabody says, “At the beginning of a relationship many of these signs are healthy but if you’re constantly falling in love or can’t let go or if you keep falling in love with the wrong person, then that’s addiction.  It’s usually very painful because you can’t live with the person or the relationship, but neither can you live without them and there’s a sense of confusion and powerlessness when you alternate between “I love you/I hate you” and “I can’t be with you/I need to be with you”.

        So why is it that some people become love addicts and others don’t?  There are usually several factors at play here.

        The first is that we all have a primary motivation to fall in love and recreate the bond we had with our mothers (or primary caretakers).  The addict however has an excessive hunger for love through not having had a good relationship with her mother or through having being thrown into independence too early.

        Low self-esteem also ranks highly as a cause of addiction.  Low self-esteem causes the love addict to pick unavailable or abusive partners because she feels she doesn’t deserve better and has the idea that this partner is better than nothing.

        Abandonment as a child is the third factor, which would make you highly susceptible now.  This coupled with rejection, loneliness or deprivation (a feeling that you’ll lose whatever you have) will make you hang onto your partner for dear life.