When Love Becomes a Fatal Attraction or Addictive

        In addition, if as a child you experienced, abuse, neglect, caustic criticism, perfectionist parents, peer rejection and sexual or emotional incest (where you were asked to take care of your parent’s childlike emotional needs – “Will you be mommy’s friend”), your tendencies towards love addiction will be strong.

        “The trauma in your childhood changed you and made you more vulnerable to being an addict,” says Susan Peabody, “You are wounded and may be depressed and lonely, or have fears and emptiness, and you’re looking for something to fix it.  If you find love fixes it, you’re predisposed to becoming a love addict.”

        Janey’s problem was that she was always falling in love at first sight.  “I’d meet someone and be immediately attracted to him and think  “Is this it?  Is he the one?” After only a couple of dates I’d be planning our life together and telling my friends how wonderful he was.  Things always ended up with me obsessing about him and if he was out on his own I’d need to know where he’d been and who he’d been with.  I just can’t seem to stop myself.  Once this happens, it’s always the same.  The relationship ends and I’m left devastated.”

        In fact, Janey has many of the classic love addict’s symptoms.  Love at first sight is one of them.  Because of the excessive hunger, you are ready for love.  Healthy people are interested in love but not looking for it round every corner and they don’t start fantasizing right away. 

        “There is an attraction, or lust, at first sight, but not love.  It would help the addict if she didn’t call it love at first sight because it would let her get out of it more easily,” advises Peabody.  “There is no such thing as love at first sight.  Love comes with a relationship,” she says.

        Excessive fantasizing is common and the addict often gets high from the fantasies.  At the beginning, fantasizing is excessive, then later fantasies are used to stay in denial if the relationship is not working out and finally, at the end, the addict fantasizes about being reunited with the partner and recreating the relationship.