When Love Hurts

Judy, such a heart-wrenching article. I’m glad you had the courage to say, ‘enough was enough.’ One cannot go on if they know that a relationship is doomed, especially when the person involved thinks that there isn’t a problem.

I know some ‘jerk magnets’ but there is no telling them that they first have to build their own confidence before they put themselves back out there.

This is a honest and really inspirational piece. You are brave for sharing.

Thank you for writing this. I was once in this same place. After an abusive marriage and another 21 years of bad relationships, I finally realized that I didn’t have to settle. BC is right, they can’t be changed. I was the one who would have to make changes. So, I did. The last 21 years have been the best and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Glad to have you back, Judy.

Take care,
Darlene

great views!! I agree with valli that it requires a lot of courage to break up a relationship but I think it automatically falls apart when it no longer remains a relationship..very good piece of work!!

I wish I was back. I miss you guys. I submitted at my step daughter’s home and now am at my daughter’s briefly. I am going to try to read a few of your articles before heading home, and am appreciative of your kind words and support.

Take care & God bless.

Wow, fantastic article Judy. I so feel for you and for other people with these issues. My heart reaches out.

…Hi, Reading your article took me back, not to
my relationship, but that of my parents. I so
believe that is why I have never gotten married.
Did not get over fear of intimacy, until I met a
male friend, not a lover, who helped me to trust,
without even knowing it. One hurdle, maybe before
I’m too, too old I will take a chance on marriage,
meantime, I am happy with myself, as I am, until.
Take care, such a wonderfully written, informative
and insightful article. As with some of your other
articles, this could well be in a self help manual.

I loved this writing. It is so true. I’m going through much of the same thing, only i promised myself that i would never leave him. He’s got kids and they need me more than he does. I’ve tried everything and even though he says he still loves me i don’t believe it. If he loved me would he be on the computer with many girls on his free time instead of spending time with me and his kids? I think not. So i’m staying with him, because i do love him but most importantly, his kids love me and need me, and i love them and need the love they give me and i couldn’t stand spending a day without them, without their innocent questioning eyes, and their loving hugs. If i can’t change him then i will help and love his kids so hopefully they will turn out to be like him.

So sad, but I completely agree. Some people just need to hit in the face with this in order to get a different look at things. I am glad that I have had an opportunity to look outside the box for once. Well Written!!!

very truthful,like it much,thanks Judy

Glad to see you writing again, Judy. You sound as though you are on your way back ‘up’ now…keep going!

It’s sometimes a terrible cycle that is very painful, not only to experience, but to see the one’s you love go through the same thing.

Dear Judy,

I don’t often post, but I wanted you to know how much your writing has helped me and given me much needed support. I just today “quit” a really long story of trying to “help” someone with major red flags who just isn’t willing to “change” so that I can actually experience love. 2 1/2 years lost of my life and so much pain, but I want to thank any of the women with the courage to share their stories as I have been isolated from my close friends, and really needed to hear some confirmation of my intuitions that making the choice to save myself and get out is really the only power I have. I nearly married him and am afraid I will go back. We have broken up so many times. This time I saw the horrible writing on the wall that there was nothing I could do – he’s not going to change. I know many women suffer the loss of many years of their lives (and their children’s lives). It is so sad. So very sad. Often, we do truly love these individuals. And they even love us. But I played into the same horrible, yearning trap where you believe if they really loved you they would change. At least acknowledging the need for change, I wrongly hoped, over and over, was a “sign” that the denial was ending. Yet a man who nearly lost his children over drinking decided it was “no big deal” (and that I was blowing things out of proportion) to pick up and have “a” beer. (Just one, right). Well, I suppose some alcoholics do manage that “one beer” trick, but I have lost so much sanity already, I just can’t afford to “find out” if he’s superman and that I really am the problem since I whine so much about it all. Thank you thank you. From the bottom of my soul. This is the hardest choice I have made in my life. By sharing your story, especially the Love Hurts Bulleted list of 3 statements, I was able to identify that I am not a crazy horrible woman that he “doesn’t need this” from. It is very kind of you to use your own experience to provide support for others in need. I am isolated from my friends now (part of relationship problem, life got so crazy I stopped calling them to spare them from it)- so your temporary “friendship” of common experience is really valuable in my 1st step back into a life of loving myself and knowing as much as I miss him, as terrifying as the pain is, I do deserve to be loved by others. I wish wish wish of course that it could be him. They always have “potential”. But potential in itself is a red flag of risk. If he was the one, he wouldn’t need to change in order to be loving towards me and provide a safe emotional environment for our love. I ended up realizing that I also have a problem with picking this kind of guy and then raging in anger at him for being the way he is. Do any other women out there feel like (without projecting or denying personal responsibility) – did the cycles provoke anger from you as a defense mechanism? Did you find yourself trying to control them so that you could aim for gaining some sanity and understanding?

I know my post is a bit lengthy. Thank you again for sharing your story. Doesn’t make it less difficult, but certainly better to know I am not alone.

thank you to all who have posted it really gave me strength when i needed it the most im 21 and 6 months pregnant just yesterdy i left my fiance and the father of my unborn child after he physically assulted me and put me in hospital. thank god me and the baby are ok and i know i have made the right decition in leaving him but it doesnt stop the pain of heartbreak when you are forced to leave the one you love in order to be safe from him.i know its the right thing and ill never go back but they put doubt in your mind by blaming u and never taking responsibility. it plays tricks with your head that maybe u have made a mistake even when ur sure u havn’t its hard because u expect the mind games to stop but they dont. reading your posts has let me see im not as alone as i thought (i have no family here) and can relate to cutting ties with friends due to the relationship. thanks for giving me the stength to not doubt myself and reaffirm that i did what was right even though it hurts because i know its best for me and my baby’s future because it hurts alot more to stay as u never get the chance to move on and heal. i know it will take me some time as i have to see him in court but i will keep coming back to this site whenever i need the strength to carry on thanks to you to all again and please if there are any women who are still in a toxic relationship get out now before something terrible happens because who knows if i had stayed he may hav killed me or my unborn child. hearts can heal but people can never be replaced please think about it and tell somebody whats happening go bless and may strengthbe with anyone who is i a similar situation.

again my gratitude. Today is day two. I am finding myself missing him and all those doubts if I can somehow cut through all of the miscommunication. Coming back here reminded me that there was no miscommunication. He has been very clear that I am a nasty horrible woman for asking him not to drink (”a” beer). I am so grateful for your posts, and “thanks for the strength”, you reminded me of something I experienced from the inside and out as a child: SO MANY OF US WOMEN STAY BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID OF THE REAL CONSEQUENCES OF MOVING ON. As a child, my mom let dad verbally abuse us kids (and her) because of this, and I watched a girlfriend’s mom STAY in a relationship with a “well-respected” man in the community who was wealthy and also happened to be molesting my friend. Mom actually told this little girl that she could not leave this man because she couldn’t support them financially. I know being a single mom is a fear-filled road for real reasons. We live in a culture that can, from the outside, be very shallow and judgmental if you are living without “material” wealth. I don’t know if that will be an issue for you Thanks For the Strength, but I know it isn’t easy bringing a child into this world by yourself. Seek support from healthy, trusting places. And have no doubt, you have done the right thing. Over coming the real consequences of leaving him will be eventually rewarding and strength-building (confidence). Staying would have real consequences that are costly, not rewarding. You already know this, I’m just giving you support, support support. I thank you again Judy, for your kindness. I wrote down the three bulleted Love Hurts listed items. The first one just reminds me that I hurt because of that fact. That someone who is destructive and makes poor choices hurts those around them. He is so determined that I should be loving and supportive of him. I know it hurts him that I remove my kindness and actually get angry that he continues to make bad choices that impact both myself and his children. Hurt can be motivating. I hope it motivates him to change. 2nd day of my first step.

Love and Peace and Blessings to you all. Women are an amazing network of love.

Judy,

If you have a moment to share. Did you (or any other gals out there) have a hard time believing you could take care of yourself? I am a really capable woman who has accomplished amazing things, yet the message I got (and still get) from my father is how worthless I am. When I do things that prove him wrong, it’s always what a fraud I am. How I am still concerned about this at 35 years old is perplexing.

I realize that the relationship I just ended is only a repeat extension of this original problem.

Due to the economy I am out of work. I am staying with my mother briefly to help get out of the bad relationship. But I am facing real hardship and my ego gets in the way. I don’t know how to ask for help. To admit the bad position I’m in. I’m ashamed that I got myself here in the first place. Well I don’t mean to whine, it’s just a moment of weakness. But did you have any difficulty getting out on your own two feet even though you were actually taking care of this man? Do you have any advice or encouragement? My mom is very loving, but unable to provide support as after 25 years, she never gained the courage to leave her bad relationship. My step father is coming home soon. He will likely be very angry that I am here and I will be getting beat up verbally every day for what I am going to do with my life.

I don’t feel I am incapable of doing great things, but I feel barriers to the first steps. I’ve been out of work for a year and my self-esteem and confidence is low. I need some help understanding how to accept that things will not be “great” for a while. I feel like if I’m not on top of the world, no one will love me.

Geeze. Just saying that makes me realize what a ridiculous belief it is. Well I guess I’m just seeking my inner strength and some kind words of encouragement. If you have time while taking care of your own needs! My mom is codependent and totally driving me crazy. I feel like my temperature is being checked every 5 minutes. She only wants to know if “are you ok?” so that she can feel ok. She doesn’t really have any advice or supportive words/actions. She has no idea what to do when you leave a bad situation, as she only went from one bad situation to the next in life. Oh help me break this cycle, I have so much to offer the world. It is so stifled by this craziness.

Dear Judy,

Well I just wanted to tell you thank you for your prayers. I have been taking very good care of myself and reaching out to good friends I grew up with who are very supportive. I still miss my ex- even though I shouldn’t. But I started eating well and exercising, and low and behold I finally became bold enough (and blessed enough) to find a good job in this rough economy. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I just wanted to follow up if any other women stumble upon your site. It still isn’t easy but I am working on stopping the pattern of being more comfortable with my life a mess than the uneasiness of being fully responsible for myself (and not having a relationship with someone with problems so I can focus on “fixing” them)- the uneasiness of having a good life, making good choices, accepting that God/universe/people who love me want me to be happy (in a deeply spiritual sense, not having what I want when I want it)-

So thank you very much! I am embarking on a new journey that is somewhat scary, but I have all that I need and your prayers worked wonders in my life.

The generosity of women is sometimes exploited, but in this case is something I will pass on to another woman someday in honor of your kindness.

Many blessings to you.

We receive messages sometimes that the world is not loving. But those messages are temporary, and wrong. The source of real love is always available to us.

I am doing so much better. Step by step. I will never forget the kindness of a stranger-

Many women prayed for me and the doors just opened. And I am not very “religious”! But I can not deny the spiritual intervention of loving myself and allowing others to truly love me. I did have to take the step of letting go and getting out. That was a scary step. But it opened the door for real love to enter. Little by little. I know I have a long way to go. I will forever be working out these kinks: but maybe life is just a process and I am good enough throughout.

Joe, you write eloquently and communicate very well. I wish you well in your quest for a normal, healthy and happy relationship. Your desires our totally within reason and you have every right to have them met.

I truly believe there are individuals that for whatever reason are truly unable to be responsive to another’s feelings and to open up to a fulfilling relationship. My father was one and I spent my childhood and early adulthood trying to find the key. These individuals are not gender specific.

Take care & God bless.