When Parents End Its Marriage in Divorce The World of a Child Dramaticallychanges

Everyone knows divorce is hard on kids. Studies now reveal that the period before separation is as, if not more tough. Writes Connie Wilson, clinical psychologist at the California Behavioral Health and Recovery Services, “When happily married ever-after is suddenly interrupted by parents squabbling constantly, or damaging each other’s self esteem without a care for the children who may be listening to them, it ,would indicate a stormy path ahead -for the children. And when the couple does end its marriage in divorce, the world of a child dramaticallychanges. Their (the child’s) reliable, safe plane of happiness goes into a tizzy, Often, even the most concerned parents become consumed by their emotional upset, and leave their children to figure things out for themselves.” A recent study done in Canada followed more than 2,800 children, aged four to seven years from two-parent homes, and found that those whose parents eventually divorced tended to show high levels of depression, anxiety and behaviour problems in the years preceding the separation.

Bangalore clinical psychologist Dr Brunda Amruthraj explains, “There are two ways in which a divorce or separation can occur. The first is where there is constant squabbling, and hostility that causes disturbance in the family. The second kind is when the marriage is on an even keel but then an event, like sayan extra marital affair, throws things off gear. The latter situation is more damaging to a child who is taken unawares, and is riddled with feelings of confusion, fear and despair.”

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE

There “is no getting away from it ­as parents, the safeguarding of our children’s emotional wellbeing is our responsibility. Dr Amruthraj avers that a child will understand and deal with the situation depending on her age. She offers a few dos and don’ts to help ease the tumultuous period.

·         As far a possible, do not have your fights and conflicts in front of your child. This is important.

·         Even if she is privy to some of the conflicts and disturbances at home,try and  prepare your child by honestly explaining the situation to her. If she’s very young, you can explain by using anecdotes about how if she and her best friend quarrel, how she feels, and how a similar thing is happening to Mom and Dad. Keep in mind that a child’s mind can often escalate the problem or the extent of damage to far beyond what it actually is, so be very frank and focused on what you are telling her. Tell her that you and Daddy probably need more time to think and sort out the problem and that she should not worry about anything till then.