You live with a man in a common law marriage but he won’t really marry you. It’s starting to make you upset and you begin to complain, only to have him react less than enthusiastically about the idea. Before you continue any further, please read this following analysis of such a common modern dilemma.

Situation 1: Living Together for Less than 2 Years

Generally within the first two years of living together, a couple discovers the undiscoverable: All of the terrible and annoying habits that are permanently etched into your character but never demonstrated to full extent during the dating period. A man may need to get through this time with you to really find out about the real you and vice versa. You’d want to find out about the real him before you made the big commitment so give him some time and just relax. Most importantly, relax, be yourself and try to put the entire marriage issue out of mind while you are openly getting to know one another. Also during this time, the man may have already decided you are the one and is planning to get you the ring and the proposal. If he wants to delight you, such a proposal event may take some time planning and saving up for (especially if he wants to get you a ring he’d be proud you are showing off to your friends). Put it out of your mind and just see what he does, especially if he treats you well otherwise and the both of you are in love.

Situation 2: Living Together for More than 2 Years

By now he knows the color of your razor blade and how bad your stubby leg prickles when you don’t shave for a couple of days. He’s seen you bleach that mustache off your upper lip and snore up a storm especially when your allergies start to kick in. Basically, the both of you know each other and the time has come for the man to know deep inside if he’d like to spend forever with you. If he does not know by now for sure that he wants to be with you forever, the following are the possible scenarios going on in his mind.

A.      Mid Career Issues: Maybe you met this man while he was in med school and he is still in med school. He doesn’t know where he will go for his residency, he doesn’t know what specialty he’ll choose, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to pay off his school loans. This man might not want to make any big formal decisions including marriage or children until he is stable in a career that he’s already heavily invested in (probably before meeting you). Same issues may apply if he is getting his MBA and would be traveling all over the globe for a multinational firm in the future. These kinds of uncertainties may make him uncertain about making the big commitment right now.

B.      Financial Practicality Issues: Maybe this man is divorced and has to pay alimony as well as child support. On many occasions, a man may be doing you a favor in not marrying you because in the case of his own job loss, if you do end up marrying him, the court could order you to pay off his obligations related to his ex wife and kids. (Regarding this issue, read my analysis of Alimony Wars: http://socyberty.com/relationships/alimony-wars/). He might be protecting you from his own financial troubles by not marrying you especially if he has had bad credit or foreclosure in his past. On the other hand, if he is wealthy and has a lot of assets, he may be very afraid of being taken advantage of financially. If this is the case, you as his loving girl friend should start the pre-nup discussion. You might want to mention that you love him dearly and you love him for who he is and not for his money, and that you believe that you would sign a pre-nup if such an occasion ever came up. If indeed you do want to marry him for his money, well it might take more convincing because men have become a bit financially defensive lately.

C.      Freedom and Future Options: In the financial world, if you want the option to buy a stock in the future, you have to pay for that option right. In a parallel sense, if your boyfriend wants the option of marrying someone else in the future, someone has to pay for that option and that person paying is you. Assuming you so want to marry this man, if you are waiting for him and he is waiting for someone else deep inside his mind, you are the loser in that zero sum game. All of the talk about a man who is afraid of commitment and that’s why he wont marry you is a bunch of brouhaha. The last time I checked, men weren’t afraid of sky diving and getting into bar fights or losing big bucks on Wall Street. It’s less about fear and more about “he really doesn’t want to do it” of that the reward is not great enough for him to give up his freedom. After all, even the Bible says “In love there is no fear.” Come on folks, isn’t it true if your child’s life was in danger, all the fear would leave your body and you would do what it takes to save him? In the same way, if a man really loved you so terribly a lot, he’d want to make you his – on paper, in life, in symbols, in wedding announcements.

In each scenario, you have the option of staying or leaving. It’s harder to leave a man who is otherwise good to you and acts exactly like a good husband would act (helping you pay the bills, do stuff around the house, etc). Also, if you’re a woman who has already been divorced and has children of her own, you might not be in that much of a hurry to get married and have kids, etc. You might be comfortable with simply shacking up until the steam runs out. Or, you may be that perfect woman in her mid twenties, ripe for marriage and children, but your live in boyfriend just wants to keep you hanging for marriage and children until he finally feels like it (usually never). It’s time for a reality check ladies. If a man doesn’t know by the two year mark of living together that he wants to be with you forever, he’ll never know.