Who Woulda Thunk?
by How can two small words create such havoc, to tear at the very fabric that men and women fight so hard to preserve?
I stood dumbfounded as I looked at my two friends, one on either side of me. It was like watching a tennis match as my head bobbed back and forth between the bantering of two people who thought they had the communication gap figured out. Two intellectual adults making their way in the world, just fine, thank you very much!
I drew an epiphany last night that slapped me in the face so hard that I am still seeing stars!
Two thirty something’s, one male and one female, seemingly able to communicate their thoughts and feelings to others, making one understand what is rattling around in each head space, letting words and phrases roll off their tongues in some intelligible diatribe. Yet what came from the scene that would unfold during the evening was total chaos and confusion. When the dust settled, both male and female’s tongues were confused by the very words they put forth.
The scenario was the same, the environment was similar, yet the two had come up with different conclusions from the very same situation. I watched in awe as their expressions turned from up lifted grins to heated and baffled. I listened to them speak, taking away what I now know to be true. Women truly are from Venus and Men for certain from Mars!
This is not to say that neither are right or wrong, they are just different. I had known this all my life, and had been baffled myself with some of the debates and dialogues I have heard and participated in. Both able to put a point across and both gist’s the same, but coming from to different genders, the words were totally opposite and had two different meanings.
Now that you are totally confused about what I am talking about, let me lay it down for you!
My female friend, Carina, had been in town before, staying at the hotel I worked at as the Night Manager. She had made friends with my bartenders and a bond of camaraderie developed. After staying a week, she had gone home to the States, checking out of the hotel months prior to this event. In September, low and behold there she was again, smiling and happy to see her friends at my bar once more. She had come to town on a class reunion, recommending my hotel to her classmates, two days before the event that would change my life, Carina had insinuated herself into the ambiance of our trendy hotel, in downtown Toronto. Every night appearing at the bar and chatting with my two bartenders, Andrew and Jeff. All was going well, everyone happy, the atmosphere charged. This was a meeting place for the ‘beautiful people’ as they say, societies elite, the young, the wealthy, people who wanted to be seen and seen they were. Groups from every walk of life, all successful in their own right. Carina was amongst them with intelligence, wealth and her own form of quirky beauty that brought a light into the bar like no one else could. She was there to meet her friends, introduce them to her cronies, and take them out for a night on the town. They ended up in a bar that Andrew had recommended, where Andrew and Jeff had once worked and had acquaintances. A fellow bartender, Peter, and Carina hit it off as they chatted the night away. During their dialogue Jeff’s name came up, which gave Carina the impression that Jeff and this bartender were friends.
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Post CommentPeggy
On September 30, 2008 at 7:20 am
The differences between the genders is what keeps life interesting and frustrating. However, if we are going to be out there interacting with each other, maybe we need to listen a little closer to what is being said. This could have had a much more serious conclusion. Rock on and enjoy.
Bubba
On September 30, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Interesting article..and so true.
As a man I find that women often misunderstand my intentions
and I often find women hard to read….
Like Peggy said…maybe we just need to learn to listen
TM
On September 30, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Interesting situation about communication styles…I am not too sure that the problem is all gender related. Maybe neighbourhood & early childhood/adolescent upbringing are factors in our communication style.
Kootenayking
On September 30, 2008 at 6:45 pm
So I guess you are “Sage Brush”? It was an interesting article, developed the story enough, stayed on-track, and wrapped up with a logical summary. It was good, not my subject matter (but then I don’t talk about it . . .LOL), but kept my interest to the end.
Ebo
On September 30, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Carina should have known what was going on… What is she doing going out with a married guy? How naive. Late at night and drinking! Unfortunately, that’s the way alot of guys are, like it or not.
sunnfish
On September 30, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I would have gone with him too. Perhaps that’s just being niave but you sort of hope that people just enjoy others company for company’s sake. Why does everything have to lead to sex!? Why can’t men and women regardless of their marital status go out for something to eat without the illusion of anything else happening? Or is that why the flip and fold seats were invented?
state
On October 1, 2008 at 6:38 am
I can’t believe that your friend didn’t see that coming! Men are pigs but I know many women too who operate at the same level. We all bring to life our own experiences when interpreting situations. I thought Jeff was saying Peter was gay when stated “He’s mariied!” LOL
hjd
On October 1, 2008 at 7:47 am
Great Ms. SB! Listen to the words and the TONE with which the words are said…(but remember they are just words). Pay attention to the ACTIONS (they speak louder than words). And maybe just maybe all of us won’t have so much confusion between the sexes – Go Peggy!
Anyone ever compared female (unless busy at work) and male emails – long vs. short : ))))
Thanks – have to go have my first coffee now!
bill
On October 1, 2008 at 7:57 am
men and women come from two different worlds.
men have two heads to think with and women have one….its just that simple. many people have the perception that a man and a woman cannot interact without sex…perhaps to a certain degree that is true but
personally – its nice to talk to a women and get all the questions and answers in the open – ensure that a solid understanding is arrived at prior to any complications.
great article and to the point.
LG
On October 1, 2008 at 8:28 am
men and women are wired so differently –
I have to admit I’m surprised she didn’t pick up on the fact that he was interested in more than just a couple more drinks and a bite to eat but signals between the sexes can be mighty difficult to read.
I have to agree with Peggy – we really need to listen more to one another and not only pay attention to what is being said but how it’s said.
vee
On October 1, 2008 at 8:35 am
Male or female, saying “he’s married” does not convey anything other than a warning that the man is married. If Jeff was concerned for Carina he would have added the “and up to no good.” On the other hand, Carina could have thought to question just what Peter was doing out alone in the middle of the night .. but then again, maybe she did and he said “I’m married,” as if that would explain it all.
Nicely written, I get the point but I can’t just put it down to gender differences. While different genders do have different mind-sets (just ask my 4 yr old) there are a lot of other factors to consider when dissecting communication skills.
Michelle
On October 1, 2008 at 8:55 am
Sage Brush? lol…I thought it was really well done, and i would like to read the book you read so send it to us when you have one okay! The article had my attention from the begining to the end. And interesting topic choice
.
Marge B.
On October 1, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Well written, definitely an example of different mindsets.
Very enlightening and engaging to the end.
Sue W.
On October 1, 2008 at 4:22 pm
And isn’t this what keeps people taking communications courses for? or at least should take them.Being direct has many pros. Good article and who knew you had such a flair for writing?!
tigerden
On October 1, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Sagebrush that is some awesome writing style and would love to see more!!! Kinda reminded me of a John Grisham novel where you cant wait to read the next sentence/page/chapter.
Seems like the content here is true and being a single guy and out with a single lady until 3 am, I would think I was gonna “get some”, but if was married and she was tooo, it sheds a whole new light on things and may not think that way. Say this because to this day i still ask women if they are married or if their boyfriend owns a gun and if they answer yes to either I tned to run.
RJBC
On October 2, 2008 at 12:38 am
Part of the problem stems from assuming others think as we think-not so of course. It helps to remain open to the possibility of thinking that is divergent from our own, perspectives and experiences divergent from ours. I have found when I purpose to look at other possibilities to my ‘take’ on a situation, it causes an openess, acceptance and heightened awareness in general to both positive and cautionary perspectives. I am not talking about second guessing every sentence, gesture or nuance-that would be paranoia, but rather not to assume that my point of view is necessarily shared by others. Often this causes me to ask a few clarifying questions which show whether we are on the same page or not and after which I at least have more information on which to base any decisions. Although we know about indiviual differences at an intellectual level, we tend to communicate in a way which does not always act on that knowledge.
Guappo
On October 2, 2008 at 3:34 am
I remember having a similar conversation with my younger sister. I had to spell it out for her that some guys are literally ‘up to no good’ and sometimes with guys you need to look a little more beneath the surface.
It was really well written. It was entertaining the entire way through! Hope to hear more from you!
EN
On October 2, 2008 at 8:09 am
Male and female communication can be challenging. However, in this story both sides could have asked other questions and explained a bit more.
Just because someone has dinner with you at night married or not doesn’t necessarily mean they have romantic intentions. On the same hand maybe a clear statement on Carina’s part indicating their interactions were for friendship only would make it clear and/or Peter making it known he was looking for more than friendship eventhough he is married. There seems to be a lot of assumptions here.
honeysuckle
On October 2, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I enjoyed this very thought provoking piece. I don’t however agree that this is a gender issue though. The stars just don’t work that way. Plenty of woman have tried to lure a man leaving out all manner of communications in the process. While there is nothing wrong with this male wanting to sleep with this woman (apart perhaps from the fact that they are both married), there is a large problem with his reaction to her unwillingness to sleep with him. What is really disturbing about this male is that he dumped her on the street in another city no less. Outrageous!!!That was cruel. He compromised her safety big time!!! I’d stay away from this creep, married or not!
Bill2
On October 3, 2008 at 6:52 pm
It would be hard to believe a woman would be sooo naive.
LS
On October 6, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Interesting… great article. I think Carina is naive. People need to be so careful, don’t trust too quickly. Out until 3am in the morning…think girl, think.
khen
On October 8, 2008 at 9:57 am
I loved the article in that it does point out the differences in meanings of phrases between males and females. I know with my wife (and now daughters), I don’t want the novel version of their day, give me the cliff notes. Women are more linguistic then men. Having said that, even after the advances were turned down for miscommunitcation, I found it wrong that Peter didn’t have enough character to walk Carina back to the hotel. That is someone you don’t want to hang around with at all then and she is much better for it.
Andy
On October 8, 2008 at 11:23 am
Men and women say the same thing with different words its all in the interpetation of them. Some day we may know what the other is saying but know time some I’m afraid.
Liane Schmidt
On October 9, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Interesting article – I think that people interpret things on an individual, personal level. I’ve dated men who have responded in a very stereotypical female way and have known ladies who have responded vice versa.
As I was reading your work, I was thinking, this is an exceptional writer. Your writing is full of rich details and a natural flow that feels like everything is important in your story. Wonderful work.
Blessings.
Sincerely,
-Liane Schmidt.
Crackers856
On October 18, 2008 at 10:17 am
Well, first of all the “married” part should enlighten both parties that they have partners who may not appreciate the late nite escapade. As a woman, if I am told someone is married, it changes the atmosphere. I would tend to direct the conversation differently and would not go out with someone late at nite. I know I would be a little uptight if my hubby was to do that. If the group was to go together, the conversation has a “safe” environment. Communication is a major key in everyday life both personal and professional. For the male in this story to assume the female is consenting to more than conversation, tends to let me think he is a bastard.
Great article, makes one think before saying?