Why Online Dating Isn’t For Everyone

We’ve all seen the ads: happy couples talking about how they met on an online dating service and falling madly in love, scenes of happy, attractive singles, or for the more carnally inclined, promises of passionate, one-night encounters. These ads all do exactly what they’re supposed to do; they make you think “Hey, it could happen for me!”

And it could, if you have the right mindset and personality for it.

Between 2001 and 2007, before I met my beloved partner Dianne, I used to hit the online dating sites fairly regularly. At one time, I had some pictures (which really don’t show the real me, in my opinion)–begrudgingly taken and in some cases a year or two older than my profile. My profile was blunt and to the point. I didn’t want anyone wasting my time, I made it very clear that I was a plus-sized woman and that I wanted a person who genuinely appreciated a fuller figure, not someone who was just curious to ‘make it with a fat chick’. I didn’t want married men. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want that.

Unfortunately, what I mostly succeeded in getting was the very thing I didn’t want; more loneliness, more men who ‘weren’t my type’ (I am not shallow, and I don’t base my attraction on looks alone, but there has to be some kind of spark going on), and married cheating jerks.

I’m one of those people who just aren’t suited to personal ads. I’m not the sort who is good at ‘putting herself out there’ or ’schmoozing’, even online. My idea of a personal ad was to tell people my likes and dislikes, my personality, what I was looking for, throwing a pic or two in, and calling it that. Personals involve that, but what you really need to be doing is selling yourself. Sales in any capacity is not my strong suit.

Did I get a lot of replies? Not really. I did get a lot of frustration and become more and more convinced that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, which made me more bitter, which pushed more people away.

I have a friend who tried eHarmony. She’s pretty, smart, good career, quirky sense of humor. She’s also a plus-sized girl like me. She would get some answers from guys who seemed nice, they would talk, and then would come the picture exchange. Without exception, they would all disappear, with lame excuses like ‘I met someone else” or “We just aren’t that compatible after all” or “I’ve decided to close my account”. There is nothing wrong with this girl. She was very upfront with them about who and what she was. While she is what most people would consider overweight, she’s out there doing something about it and living her life. It’s okay to have preferences and things we most find attractive. It doesn’t make the rejection sting any less, though, when you are on the receiving end.

Personally, I think online dating works best if you fall into society’s expected norms, not only for looks, but personality-wise as well. Even if you do meet the expected ideals, if you just can’t word it right, if you don’t photograph well, it’s hard for someone to connect with you.

I didn’t meet Dianne until I gave up on personals. At the time, I hadn’t even considered a female partner. I didn’t consider myself straight, bi, or lesbian. I just am. Gender didn’t matter to me: love did. We met on a message board for The Elder Scrolls series of computer games. We got to talking, and love bloomed out of our friendship. Despite the wretched economy, I have my sights set on going to be with her in New Zealand some time this year.

So remember: if online dating isn’t working, it’s not you. You’re quirky and different, and that makes you lovely the way you are, even if the mainstream can’t appreciate it.