The Teddy of Baby Wanted (Photograph by Glynis Smy)

I was told a patient was arriving unattended into my unit, I prepared a room for a very sick dying child, I assumed the word unattended meant the parents were bringing the little one in themselves, it’s always wrong to assume. A porter arrived with a goldfish bowl (baby transporter) he brought a baby from the special care unit, I was on Paediatrics.

The child was ten days old; the condition was terminal, a dying little boy. He had one small teddy, that’s it, nothing else that is all he had in the world; I still have the teddy (special permission granted me this gift).

I saw his disabilities, too horrible to share on here; it was obvious he would not last many days. I went to the office to read his notes quietly and to find out the next of kin details. I attended church on a Sunday until seventeen, I then let life take over my faith, I still had faith but I was engaged to a non believer and adjusted my lifestyle to accommodate both important things in my life. The third important thing became my nursing career, it was here my faith was challenged, how could a God allow innocents to lose their lives, oh the sweet words of “he needs an angel” and “he only takes the best” helped at times, but by now I was nineteen and had seen more horrific and peaceful deaths than my friends of the same age, I was calling God to task, to justify to me what his reasons were and where was my place in his world, what did God want me to be or to do? For many years from the age of nineteen I followed this path of wondering, I tried to be the best person I could, I worked with Sunday church goers and often wondered what they considered a good Christian was, I never got the answer I was looking for. I bought my children up to be good, kind and generous with their love for others, they make me proud today as they learned their lessons from Mother well.

After reading the notes of Baby Wanted, I realised as he had a massive head and his nerve endings protruded through his spine, he needed special handling. The pain for him by one wrong movement was dreadful and to heavily sedate him was not an option because of other physical problems, we had a task on our hands, a real hard duty of care, something I decided was my responsibility and as others were shying away from his room it looked as if the vote had already been taken. I changed my duty rota and made special arrangements with senior management putting forward my opinion and plan of care, they agreed I would be having regular breaks over a long shift period, it would then be reviewed as to how I was coping, I had one team member who agreed to be my support and his carer when I was not around.

This reads very dramatic and fanciful but it was real, it happened, it is not an ‘I was a hero/heroine ‘statement just a fact of life on a ward that had to cope. You want to know more about the baby don’t you? Well Baby Wanted was under discussion with the team of doctors on their morning fly by, one doctor relayed that Baby Wanted was the child of a married couple who were shocked by his birth defects and was unwanted, (see where I got the name from?) anyway, they did not want to know anything about him until he was dead, then they would arrange the undertakers to take him directly to the chapel of rest in town and not to the hospital morgue.

My role of ‘special nurse’ (a real title in hospital not my invention) had begun, the care was constant and heartbreaking and for hours just very quiet, feeding him was a challenge and after a while he found a comfortable way of sucking on his bottle that did not cause pain. It had been decided that as he had a clear passage way and he had a strong suck he would have a little feed on a regular basis, this was a special time for me as I could see his eye, yes, eye, a little blue diamond. A pattern formed, his carer and I shared shifts for seven and a half days, we are still close friends today, something bonded us, this little boy left a legacy, a friendship.

I was on a coffee break when a midwife approached me and asked after baby x, I said oh you mean Baby Wanted and went on to explain his name, she told me his background. She had delivered him and his family went into shock, she said they made a decision in under five minutes that they wanted to go home without him, as soon as his mother was fit enough to leave, she had given birth naturally with light drug assistance, his head became swollen and misshaped after delivery. The midwife tried to reason with them and to get them psychological support before they were due to leave but they had made up their minds.

She was told by them that as his Grandfather was the minister of the local church and they were of a strong Christian faith, they were leaving him in Gods hands, they would go home to wait and pray for a quick passing.

I felt cold; I was full of sadness for that young couple, I was also a little angry but then I did not give birth to Baby Wanted, I was only his nurse, and who was I to judge  what they were going through. I was sad that they left a teddy and walked away, for nearly eight days not one enquiry came his way from any member of his family, he was wanted and unwanted at the same time by his family, how tormented they must have been.

I went on duty for the night shift, I bathed little Wanted and we settled into a chair for his feed, his feet stuck into my armpit and his head resting on my arm, his comfy position. I noted he did not feed so well and that his whimpering was weaker, I reported to the doctor on call that he might be needed later and to be on standby for my call, he decided to spend most of the night using our unit as his base, I did like this doctor he had a bedside manner others could have learnt from. At ten fifty five I noticed baby Wanted was struggling, his little arm was rolling side to side, I called the doctor over and he decided to get sedation for the child, his distress was obvious. When the doctor came back into the room he said he saw a tired , pale face with tears running down it, he was only needed to sign the death certificate, it was over baby Wanted had passed away in my arms.

I made the requested call to his family, they thanked me for calling and that they would make special arrangements for his collection, I asked if they wanted the teddy with him or put aside for collection, they told me to keep it, they didn’t want reminders, as I say I still have it to this day thanks to admin office. I asked if I would be allowed to attend the funeral, the Grandmother said they would like that but I was not to approach their daughter, she was to be protected from ‘all this’.

I went to the funeral, I sat at the back, it was a very elaborate funeral, every flower picked, every song sung with gusto and every prayer chanted with full force, a Christian, church going family buried their child with pomp and ceremony yet not one had looked into his diamond blue eye.

I no longer beat myself up for not going to church on a Sunday, I know I can be a Christian in my own way and follow what I feel is Christianity for me. God gave me my role, he showed me what he wanted from me, to do the right thing wherever I may be. Baby Wanted taught me strength of character, he was a teacher of man, he was a gift for eighteen days, and eight of those were a gift for me.

This is not an article to set off a debate of whether it is right to go to church or not, it is purely the story of my life and the path I have been led down by something special that happened. Whenever I doubt myself, I get out the teddy bear and am reminded of the gift of strength and love I was given.