World Religions and Their Drug Counterparts
by Religion and Drugs both serve as powerful mind altering substances, but how do they compare? Disclaimer: Stereotypes abound.
Christianity is like Alcohol
“When I drink the Blood of Christ I feel forgiven, like all my worries are gone. Of course, I tend to throw up on everyone and yell loudly at the brown bartender. Not to mention the horrible feelings of guilt and self loathing it gives me…”
Hinduism is like LSD
“Like, everything is just, like, one ultimate reality. But that reality can be represented by over three hundred million personal deities. Also, one of them is an elephant, man. Look, a rainbow!”
Judaism is like Psilocybin
“Man, we’re in this desert. What’s the meaning of life? I better eat these shrooms off of Mount Sinai and ask that burning bush. Oh man, water is everywhere!”
Taoism is like THC
“Life should just, like, flow, man. It’s like a river, you know? Everything’s balanced out. Is the table holding up the book or the book holding up the table? Isn’t a foyer just like, a room before, like, another room?”
Buddhism is like Heroin
“I don’t need anything. I’m going to become nothing. I don’t desire anything. Except more mediation.”
Islam is like Nicotine
“I feel so relaxed during my five prayer breaks a day. I’m glad Allah chose Muhammad and my people; I’m not following some gateway religion.”
Shintoism is like Mescaline
“I can hear the voices of my ancestors. Whoa! What was that? Must have been some Kami or something. I’m on to you, evil spirits!!”
Confucianism is like Methamphetamine
“This room is so dirty! Clean it! Work! Get to work! Are you obeying your parents? Blaarrgg!!!”
Jainism is like MDMA
“I just feel so connected to the universe. I won’t even sit down anymore because I feel the pain of those microbes in my chair!”
Scientology is like Cocaine
“Man, I just took an E-meter test. I’m itchin’ for another L Ron Hubbard book, man. I gots to get my fix. Plus, my dealers at the Church of Scientology might just shoot me.”
Baha’i is like Ayahuasca
“We took all these different branches and combined them, man. Now I’ve got, like, a vision. We’re all the same people! God just talks to us the way we need to hear it! I can see Forever!”
Juggaloism is like Jenkem
“I know this is a bunch of crap, but my friend said it was cool!”
Agnosticism is like Xanax
“I’m not really doing drugs, my doctor just gave me something so I feel better about life… I don’t know what’s going on, but that’s okay.”
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Post CommentMr. Briggs
On January 29, 2009 at 10:12 am
And what of atheism? Although I guess that doesn’t count as a religion, but as an anti-religion, what would be its drug counterpart?
gardia
On January 29, 2009 at 10:44 am
M. Briggs;
atheism might be considered to be without the drugs.
repairmanjack
On January 29, 2009 at 11:08 am
Carl Marx said religion is the opiat of the masses, as long as you do your thing and work hard you’ll be rewarded when your dead, I don’t believe in communism, but Carl Marx was pretty intelligent.
desu
On January 29, 2009 at 11:22 am
atheism = sober.
i lol’d @ islam
Aidan
On January 29, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Atheism is an ex-junkie, who has to preach about it to everyone. “Gods are dumb, man! You’re ruining your life on that stuff!”
k
On January 29, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I used to be atheist, now i consider myself agnostic with a deep spiritual connection. I think organized religions, mainly the big 3, Christianity, Islam, and Judaism, are crimes against humanity in the way children are forced to believe these stories are true. They are nothing more than the same re-hashed stories passed down through history to help us live good lives. They should not be taken literally. Only when man’s greed and lust for power starting popping out of the church did we get in the mess we are today. God is simple, its just love. The love you withhold is the pain you carry. No human being is better than another, hate only fuels more hate.
k
On January 29, 2009 at 12:26 pm
started*
SiV
On January 29, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Atheism is like Nicorette: “I quit smoking! Now where’s my gum? Do you have it? I need my gum (science). You’d better give it here… GIVE IT TO ME!!! Ahhh…. now I need some more.”
P
On January 29, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Christianity has killed more people than Islam.
enlightened
On January 29, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Christianity has killed more people than Islam, and more people have lost their lives due to wars about religion than any other matter….so as a proud Atheist, I like the comment of the “recovering addict”!!!!
o thake
On January 29, 2009 at 4:52 pm
greed & lust for power has killed more of everything than anything else, but having an -ism of any kind to disguise it has always been helpful.
Brooke Westen
On January 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I loved your article! Humor is what we need!!!
From a Christian,
God bless
gary f kett
On January 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm
ha nice one never heard of some of the religions but still funny please check out my stuff thanks!!
Trotsky
On January 29, 2009 at 6:53 pm
@ o thake: Good answer.
@ repairmanjack: Karl Marx, with a K. And opiate, with an E. Good try, though. Your heart’s in the right place…
Too bad, as its been said, any -ism can quickly become an opiate of the masses–but it can also be the masses who blind themselves, e.g. mob rule…
Chris
On January 29, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Religion causes the divisions in society that lead to war. That’s a historical fact. You’re in some serious denial if you don’t think the Crusades were caused by religion. Look at the Israel and Gaza conflict; that’s very closely tied to religion. Of course, this has more to do with religion as an organization than as a belief system. But to say that religions are not a major source of destruction is ignorant at best, and a poisonous lie at worst.
Surautomatism
On January 29, 2009 at 7:53 pm
I too would consider Atheism militantly drug free, but I didn’t include it because I don’t consider atheism a religion… To be cliche, it’s like calling bald a hair color. And I’m aware Christianity is historically responsible for more death, but in the modern day that seems to have shifted a bit. I’m not anti-Islam.
Tusaani
On January 29, 2009 at 8:15 pm
This is actually a really good concept!
l
On January 29, 2009 at 9:21 pm
@trotsky: It’s true that people are easily led, but it’s never with such zeal and voluntary disregard for reason, empathy, and autonomy as when their cause has religious foundations.
Take a look at the middle east, an atheist would not have held a grudge this long. Those guys on the other hand, that’s a tenacity and motivation that you only get if you believe you’re going to get 40 pussies after you die. And all over some dirt. The entire situation, while hilarious at first, in the end is simply sad.
As Diderot colorfully put it, “Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.”
James DeVere
On January 30, 2009 at 12:49 am
What of Pastafarianism? j
Surautomatism
On January 30, 2009 at 7:34 am
Pastafarianism? Probably one of those herbal smoke blends. It isn’t “really” a drug but you smoke it anyway.
twstedfk
On January 30, 2009 at 9:31 am
The Christians killed more people then any religion. Don’t forget the crusades,holocaust,Spanish inquisitions,witch hunts,and my favorite killing of the pagans.
R J Grant
On January 30, 2009 at 9:39 am
Mind altering!
Interesting that the human mind can be altered either by a chemical or a belief. A chemical requires a receptor in the brain to have effect. One must wonder if mankind also has a receptor for belief?
I wonder why it is there???
Grant
trueman
On January 30, 2009 at 10:17 am
you have no businees to compare and redicule any religion
Brooke Westen
On January 30, 2009 at 11:06 am
The cause of war is Satan’s work. It is not God’s work or His true followers. World Religions was a fascinating course! There is only one God; let’s praise Him, instead of blaming Him.
True Believer
lostfairey24
On January 30, 2009 at 11:12 am
you make some rather good points in this one, i wish i would have read this before i started to drink.
Michael Stonecipher
On January 30, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Very funny, I would love to listen to how loudly people laugh when you mock anyone else’s religion but their own. O, and by the way, Christianity holds the the record on planetary genocide, but then again they had a 1000 year head start.
Maria Blazz
On January 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Interesting (and funny) essay. There is really a connection between drugs and religion, Aldous Huxley has explored very well in his book “The Doors of Perception”.
Melissa Trible
On January 30, 2009 at 10:46 pm
And I suspect… cigarettes kill more people today than alcohol, but alcohol is (directly or indirectly) responsible for more deaths over the course of history. So that part of the analogy matches, too.
hei hei
On January 31, 2009 at 4:16 am
Excellent, funny and playful. I love this very interesting way of seeing dogma as the equivelent of ingesting chemical. Words like formulas affecting the body but affectin the mind instead in a sort of paralel .Wonderful and very subversive . Keep up the good stuff.
rehan
On January 31, 2009 at 10:50 am
asalam alikum brother, thankyou brother. I will try read those articles and thanks for sharing. May Allah bless you
Salaam
R J Evans
On January 31, 2009 at 11:04 am
Cool article which made me lol – shame some people took is soooooooooooooooo seriously!
Bloodthunder
On January 31, 2009 at 12:11 pm
O.o do you even know how many people can offend from thath article?
J
On January 31, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Brilliant Stuff.
K (comment #6), I’m with you.
Parish Loveless
On January 31, 2009 at 5:33 pm
People have died and killed in the name of Governments, Religions and countless other things for all of time. When you get down to the absolute reason why, it is because of the differences of opinion. It is each person’s individual right to believe what ever they may want to believe. It is also important to show respect towards each and everyone else. To understand that they might have a difference of opinion and that is all. I think, atheism is very popular nowadays because the overall message in these religions is being lost. The ideals behind such faith and the concepts that they entail. That is what is being lost, especially in America. God is dying in your mind as you get attached to the real false reality within your life. The “day to day” that gets in the way. There is a reason why people have had faith in God for such a long time. God is above rational thinking and that is why atheist do not get it. If you are incapable of understanding the importance of belief, it is due to your ignorance. It is not your fault, but the basis of most of today’s world.
Surautomatism
On January 31, 2009 at 6:08 pm
But we’re not loosing the meaning of these religions just today– we have never had them. For thousands of years people have been killing each other in the name of religion and they still are. I would never claim religion is the only source of these wars, but from the moment a relgion is founded there will be followers who pervert it and use it as an excuse to kill. I wouldn’t doubt that the people commenting this thread, trying to deny the imperfection of Islam, are the type of people who allowed those kinds of atrocities to happen. I may offend people by making light of their mythology, but is that any more offensive than telling somebody that they will go to hell for not following your religion? I really don’t think there is anything more judgemental than that. Except perhaps the statement that we NEED to believe in something. That isn’t true. You can have a fill your life with something other than the belief in the irrational. So, to sum up, a quote by Stepn Roberts (and I hope Rehan reads it): “When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.”
RobertGisel
On January 31, 2009 at 9:07 pm
This blog jokes and degrades religion, that’s not okay.
IreniaPehuajo
On January 31, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Interesting!
Bye
Eliza Worner
On January 31, 2009 at 11:03 pm
A nice tongue-in-cheek look at religion, I especially like “I’m itchin’ for another L Ron Hubbard book, man. I gots to get my fix. Plus, my dealers at the Church of Scientology might just shoot me.” Heheh.
Karl Marx was saying that religion provides the comfort that many people in the world desperately need when they are starving, homeless or otherwise destitute, which is exactly the same comfort that drugs provide.
Guess who I am
On February 1, 2009 at 2:53 am
Boy, this sparked up a lot of things.
There are people saying some very unrelated things about how Christianity kills and blah blah blah. I really don’t know what brought that up.
I came here for some light humor and I am a Christian. I didn’t get offended by this article at all and was perfectly fine until I read the comments.
Which is why I’ll agree to comment #8 in that Atheism is like nicorette. Used to replace nicotine, but in the end is addictive as well.
No one is sober here, and that should be fair enough.
Sharona
On February 1, 2009 at 8:00 am
I have read your article and the comments,unusual comparisons of religions to drugs. This article has taken a lot of thought on your part and I applaud your efforts. I can see that a religion as well as a drug can create euphoria, however there is a difference in a chemical imbalance that creates love of all mankind and one that is bent on self distruction. History proves that there were more christians killed by Roman paganistic (atheists)and
Islamic radicals who stole the riches from their church’s, then from any other source. Love Brother!
jamie mullen
On February 1, 2009 at 8:05 am
Hilarious
david clear
On February 1, 2009 at 11:38 am
Clever, but I think I saw the jist of it on the “Daily Show,” about five years ago. That one, the way Colbert used to do it, was at least funny. This is just kind of misrepresentationally mean. Check out Voltaire (forget Marx) “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.” There’s also another good quote the essence of which is the drunkard is looking for God in the bottle as much as the churchgoer is in the pulpit. So you’re sort of on to something in that religion and drugs both point towards the unquenchable need for higher consciousness.
pureNRG
On February 1, 2009 at 11:57 am
atheism is not anti religion, it’s religionlessness
Norah Faith
On February 1, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Well you know nicotine is the only drug that under some circumstances is not be forbidden in Islam
mysticdave
On February 2, 2009 at 1:04 am
I love your article, very original, and funny, i really enjoyed it.
Harry
On October 14, 2010 at 3:03 am
We are all born atheists, so atheism is the the real truth.