A User’s Guide to One Night Stands

Def: a sexual encounter limited to a single occasion; also : a partner in such an encounter.

Ah, the one night stand. Most of us are familiar with the routine and those who aren’t can consider themselves lucky. Allow me to set the scene. You’re at the club seductively sipping one of six Cosmopolitans, Jack and Cokes, beer or whatever your poison may be, while scanning the room for hotness. Then, magic happens right before your eyes. Actually, not magic, more like beer goggles kicking in. This mysterious condition causes one to render those who they would ordinarily consider ugly, good-looking after consuming copious amounts of liquor.

To your delight, you notice the sexiest boy/girl you’ve ever seen and decide it’s imperative that you make a move on him/her. On a mission, you slam your cocktail for additional liquid courage and saunter over to your prey trying to look as sexy and indifferent as possible. It’s often difficult to preserve the right amount of coolness while trying to catch his/her attention. If you appear too desperate, he/she will most likely brutally rebuke your attempts to mingle and will then relay the tale of your unwanted advances to his/her friends. However, if you play it too cool, he/she will not even be aware of your presence.

The friends are another factor to mix into the hooking up equation. This fact is especially prudent when trying to hook up with girls. In a group of girls, there is most likely one girl who is the designated patrol officer. Her role is to fend guys off her friends who are too drunk to make wise decisions on their own. Groups of guys often have a primary instigator rather than a patrol officer in the group and often encourage random hook ups.

Despite these obstacles, you have been approved by your prey and luckily, he/she is also wasted and eager to show you his/her best dance moves. Never mind the fact that neither one of you can keep up with the beat or for that matter- stand. No, in your minds you are the next Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake and everyone should know it.

After a sweaty rendition of “Sexy Back,” you and your prey are inseparable. When you come up for air after an ostentatious display of lust, much to the disgust of those around you, he/she suggests that you continue the fun at his/her house. Your friends are none to pleased with this idea, and repeatedly urge you to leave with them, but you can’t be swayed because you have found a willing partner for your debaucherous desires.