A User’s Guide to One Night Stands

The scandalousness continues in the cab, and you soon find yourself at the sex den of your prey. Minutes later, clothes are flying and all morals, common sense and decency are out the window. Alas, you indulge in frantic, passionate sex and collapse in drunken exhaustion.

The next morning, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, your mouth is as dry as the Sahara and your head feels as though someone has taken a sledgehammer to it in the middle of night. You rollover to re-position yourself and to your horror, discover that you are not in your own bed and that you have no recollection of the other occupant in the bed.

In a panic, you scan the room for your clothing and try your best to exit the premises as quietly as humanly possible so as not to awaken your mystery lover. Flustered and embarrassed, you deftly escape, your prey none the wiser. Now you have the pleasure of experiencing the walk of shame.

This is the humbling moment when a scandalous male or female stumbles outside into the blinding daylight wearing his/her alcohol encrusted/ smoky clothes from the prior evening to make their journey to their humble abode. Said individual is usually highly dishevelled with hair standing on end and reeking of sex after a highly torrid and raunchy evening, much to the dismay of passers-by… Alas you arrive safely at your doorstep and make a mental note never to repeat your actions again.

Congratulations. You have just survived your first one night stand.

Now some people might find this situation ideal, and some of us will find it inevitable, so here are a few friendly tips if you must be scandalous…

1. Never try to engage in small talk the next morning. Nothing is more annoying than a stranger who suddenly wants to know every detail of your life.
2. By no means ask for coffee, breakfast or anything else for that matter. This is clearly an infringement upon the un-stated rules.
3. Do not ask for his/her phone number if you don’t already have it. Most likely, he/she will not call.
4. Do not suddenly feel the need to cuddle him/her. That would imply that you feel as though the incident was something more than sex. It wasn’t.
5. Do not ask him/her for a ride home. This is the worst request of all as he/she who is also hung-over then has to get dressed, be seen with you in public and battle traffic.
6. Never say, “So, does this mean we’re dating?” No. It absolutely does not.

I am confident that these rules are an essential ingredient to truly enjoying your one-night stand. That being said: have fun, be safe and remember that only you have the power to keep your pants on. Enjoy.