How do you work out who you should have an affair with and who not to bother with?  How do  you know that the person you are hoping to get into bed is not a bunny boiler or weirdo or has a nasty disease?  How do you know they will do what you want and accept it when you end it?  What if THEY want to end it and it is you that wants it to carry on and gets upset?

The thing about affairs is that they are about just sex usually so there are no commitments or promises or payment.  For the man it is a bit like seeing a prostitute who does not charge.  This is why so many men are always looking for affairs and one night stands, it saves them a lot of money if they can get someone who is willing to do it free!   Quite different for the woman,  who gets loads of offers to have serious and casual relationships and one night stands, some of them offering her money,  so she can be picky and may be more likely not to bother with the guy who does not offer to take her out or pay or makes it clear he just wants free casual sex.  There is another reason why it might be a good idea for a man to see a prostitute and that is that she will not nag him to leave his wife or move in with her or see her more.  She knows her place.  She does not care what his exact address is or what he is doing when he is not with her.  She gives him sex and company in return for money when it suits him.  Even women who love sex and thoroughly enjoy the sex they have with their man will usually not bother if they are not properly paid, if it is casual.  They may not need the money but they do not want to feel stupid or feel used.  And, if they did not charge they would not know that the man truly wants them and is not just going with anyone who is easy and available.

Affairs are not the answer if you are married and bored.  Then you need to sort things out with your spouse and either both agree to work on things and make it better or end the relationship totally.  An affair will only mean that you are not concentrating on things or giving the time to it that it needs, you are merely wallpapering over the cracks and pretending things are ok.  Then in a few years you realise that no matter how much fun you may have had you have had nothing meaningful and you still have not made the main relationship in your life work and you have wasted years of your life on just fiddling around on a day by day basis.

Affairs often start as a bit of fun and they often stay that way but sometimes they become serious and this can be when the problems start.  If one wants more commitment and the other does not sparks might fly. When a woman feels used she can get very angry and few of them are happy to just walk away and move on.  You cannot tell a woman you are madly in love with her and then tell her that you want to stay with your wife or stay single, the two do not go together.  If you only want a bit of fun at least be honest about it so that if she starts to get too serious you can honestly claim that you did not lead her on and it is her own fault that she wants more. 

Men and women see sex differently, usually.  Men can see it as fun almost like a sport or hobby. Women usually see it as part of a relationship and are more fussy about who they do it with and under what circumstances they do it.  Very few women will want a man who makes it clear he only wants her for sex, especially if he can only see her now and then or is married or is very distant emotionally. Things go well when both have the same aims but when one wants one thing and the other wants another things go wrong, and usually men want different things to women.

Think of the hassle you can get IF the affair goes wrong and the person knows your phone number or where you live!  They might keep pestering you and maybe even go to where you work and if you are married they might spill the beans and tell those who you would not want to know. So in the long run affairs are a great idea if you are single or if you are very careful but not otherwise.  Even if a man is lucky enough to find a woman who is happy to have a sexual relationship with him with no strings, commitments or fees she usually gets fed up with it and walks away after a bit because it is not really fulfilling what she is seeking from a relationship.  To her it is a temporary stop gap until the real thing comes along, to him he likes it as it is and would not change it.

There are dating agencies that are specifically for married people.  They get lots of men joining and very few women. They have to allow women to join free because so few are interested.  The women that do join get loads to choose from and usually prefer to meet up with a single man, even if they are older than him and/or married themselves.  Because they are offering free casual sex they are very popular and can pick and choose and call the shots.

I have been a private relationship expert, life coach and therapist for many years. Read more articles by me, Carmel Brulez, at HELIUM.COM or see my website at carmelbrulez.homestead.com.  If you want to contact my office contact it through my website.  I and my staff are too busy to check this site.