Better Sex by Asking Questions

If you don’t ask, then you never receive. Knowing what you want from sex is
fine, but if you want to have the best possible sex, you need to learn the
art of saying so. Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie is quoted as saying
“It’s not fair to expect people to know what you want.”

McGarvie, a radio sex-show host, penned the book ‘Quivering
Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe Curling Orgasms’, also insists that most
people are eager to try new things – often feeling weighed down by the same
old routine between the sheets, but most are unwilling to broach the subject
with their partners.

“I would say people are most afraid of speaking to their partners about sex.
They would rather cut off their left arm. They are so terrified. It is a
huge issue,” said McGarvie, who believes that good sex is an essential
ingredient to a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship.

Edmonton psychologist Paul Sussman believes that people could find it much
easier than they think to hold such embarrasing conversations, if they only
approach it the right way.

“The fact is that sex is simply body English, so I believe that if
communication in your relationship is on the whole lousy, then your sex life
is going to be lousy,” he said. “The place to work on it is then on the
business of communication, because that’s where it starts.”

In a talk with about 200 Canadian university women, McGarvie learned roughly
70% have faked orgasms, less than 10% deemed their sex lives amazing and 40%
openly confessed to preferring cuddles and chocolate to sex.

“Women are faking orgasms, which slams the door on their own pleasure, but
they’re doing it because their partners are vulnerable and they’re worried
about their partner’s fragile ego,” she said. “Sex is adult play. Sex is
where we’re most vulnerable. It’s where we’re allowed to be intimate. When
you’re that vulnerable and open up to ‘I’d really like to do this,’ and
someone slams you, that’s a really big risk,” she says.

This type of conversation should never be pillow talk. It’s best to chat
about your sex life in a neutral setting, such as while going on a walk.
“Don’t do it while you’re being sexual because it comes across as criticism.
When you do it outside the bedroom, it comes across as communication,” said
McGarvie, who added this is a conversation that needs to be revisited from
time to time.

People need to remember that sex lives often wane as relationships and
people age, says Sussman. People use other ways to express tenderness, such
as holding hands.

“The appropriate expression of physical attraction and tenderness and
connection is absolutely important in any relationship toward the sustaining
of it. But I think the manifestation of that as sexuality is probably of
decreasing importance as relationships progress.”

Unleashing your creative side may bolster your bedroom pleasure, says sex
therapist Sue McGarvie.
“You don’t have to be elaborate or do anything that makes your partner
uncomfortable or anything that’s hardcore,” she said. “I’m talking about
making a small change and see if you can be silly about that. The more you
laugh and can play, the better it will be for your relationship and for the
amount of orgasms you experience.”

Here are some tips on improving your sex lives.

– If you make love twice a week, then once a week try something different.

– Get a drop sheet from your local hardware store, warm a bottle of baby oil
in the microwave and get slick.

– If you’re not a romantic type, just try lighting a candle. Guys are more
visual than women.

– Make an adults-only tickle trunk. Fill it with playful items and use them.

– Buy some whipped cream and get creative.

– Rent an adult movie.

– Get a book filled with different sexual positions. Randomly flip open a
page and try the position.

The point is that your partner may secretly be just as frustrated by thier
unimaginative sex life as you are, and wants to spice things up as much as
you do. The only way to know is to bring the subject up, however hard that
might be. Better sex need not be a pipedream anymore, so take the plunge
and ask. Who knows how pleased you might be with the answer?