Despite admonishments from the FDA that “There is no scientific proof that any over-the-counter aphrodisiacs work to treat sexual dysfunction,” surely thousands of years of anecdotal evidence can’t be wrong.

Forget about dangerous stuff. If you are buying into and shelling out for those Internet ads or late-night TV promotions for weird concoctions, your problem isn’t failure to arouse – it’s lack of brains.

Certain other products do work, according to new scientific study. But they work at a price. The herb yohimbe will fix ED but it is dangerous in large doses. Fennel is another herb that shows promise but more than one teaspoon at a time is toxic.

That old stand-by, Spanish fly, works too. And who wouldn’t eat a dead, powdered beetle from Spain for a fun frolic in the hay. Problem is, the resulting blood rush “down there” comes as the active chemical poisons and irritates the urogenital tract to the point of no return. Death by sex. Not good.

All right, so what is safe, readily available and non-lethal? You can’t get much more readily available than garlic or basil. Both work to improve circulation – a necessary component in sexual arousal. Oysters and other shellfish get their reputation as sex food from the zinc they contain which scientists tell us will stimulate and improve blood circulation.

Sad to say, chocolate isn’t a good candidate to boost the libido. It has the right chemicals, just not enough of them. Eat enough chocolate to get horny and you won’t be fit for human companionship. A better choice is cheese. Same chemicals in greater quantities.

Some other possibilities include:

• Anise – Suck on the seeds to get a similar effect to testosterone.
• Bananas – No, don’t play with your food. Bananas have essential potassium and B vitamins needed for sex-hormone production.
• Cardamom – Another circulatory promoter. The drawback is that it must be rubbed into the appropriate naughty area. Come to think of it, maybe that isn’t a drawback after all.      
• Chili peppers – Promotes circulation. Plus when applied to the lips, the capsaicin in peppers temporarily causes them to plump, which is nice. Avoid over-doing it however. Too much, whether eaten or applied, causes an irritation of the genitals and urinary tract that feels more similar to an STD than sexual excitement.  
• Ginger – An Asian favorite in the bedroom. Ginger increases blood flow and raises body temperature. The combined effect gets you halfway there.
• Honey – Rich in B vitamins and boron to aid in utilization of testosterone and estrogen, respectively. Some studies indicate honey may also raise blood levels of testosterone.            
• Lavender – Combined with the aroma of pumpkin pie, these scents raise blood flow to the male organ by 40 percent, according to a Chicago research foundation study. 
• Licorice – The same study found that the smell of black licorice increased the blood flow to the penis by 13 percent. When combined with the smell of doughnuts, that percentage jumped to 32. There is something vaguely disturbing about this information.  
• Papaya – For the ladies to increase the libido with compounds that act like estrogen

So the deal is, you find a likely partner. Set up a cozy rendezvous. Light the lavender and pumpkin-scented candles. Prepare dinner with an oyster appetizer and a main course of pasta with plenty of garlic, chili pepper and basil.
 
Finish off with a dessert of fresh papaya drizzled with honey and sprinkled with a mixture of candied ginger plus anise seeds. Turn down the lights. Set a box of Krispy Kremes in front of the fan……..And get it on!