I felt a need to write this in case (and I pray every night for the opposite) any of you ever need such advice. It’s certainly not easy for either side, and I understand that some of you dealing with a friend or family member who has suffered have no clue what to do or say. It must be quite scary.

Please know that my advice will not work for everyone; this is, in fact, quite tethered to myself and how I feel and have been dealt with by those closest to me. I have a very specific situation, and so this isn’t going to be nearly as general as I would like for it to be. So here are some things I learned personally after my secret came out.

Before I start, however, I’ll need to give you the following information and nothing more, as this is a very personal incident: the perpetrator was my step dad, the timeframe nearing about a year.

I’m not a mental person, and I don’t need a box of tissues around me at all times, but I have gotten extremely sensitive over things that wouldn’t have affected me so drastically in former times.

It’s not easy for me to be in the same area that I was in while everything happened. I’m scheduled to be moving soon, but I was so thankful to live with someone aside from my mom for a week, love her though I do. Coming back was quite painful, though I hadn’t been gone long.

Everyone (and I mean everyone) who knows of my situation has told me that if I needed to talk they would be there for me. I cannot count on both my hands and feet how many people told me this, but I also cannot stress how much it meant to me. People who barely know me say this, and though it seems like it would get old (seriously, there are about two people I would actually talk to) it truly helps me to not feel so alone.

I don’t, however, want to be forced to talk about it. Generally if I change the subject during a conversation, it means I don’t want to. I don’t appreciate being pushed to continue said conversation, because for the most part it is my story to tell.

Speaking of it being my story to tell, I don’t like it when other people want to tell others. I’m actually quite manic lately about who knows my secret and who doesn’t. My mother took it upon herself to start telling people, however. As much as it truly does bother me, I let it slide because I understand my mother is not having an easy time. And I truly hope none of you think she should be.

I’m sure many of you have noticed that I keep referring to “my secret”. That’s what it was, and what it still feels like at times. My secret. I hid it for a year, no one knew. It was what I lived with, a silenced part of me that was in no hurry to get out. It feels so strange not having to protect my secret.

Which brings me to my biggest point. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do that is worse than asking me why I didn’t tell or informing me that I should have said something. It can’t even be comprehended how many times I mentally said the most inappropriate things to myself and degraded myself, making myself feel weak, stupid, and barely human at times. I do NOT need to hear the same from others around me. I need support, not criticism. Do you honestly think I don’t know that I should have said something?

So I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t even like to think about it really. It’s still so new, still so painful sometimes. I don’t want to hear his name or see his picture. I don’t want to think of all the good times, and especially not the bad. Because when I do…..I feel guilty. Now, I understand that none of it was my fault. God has granted me peace with that, but that’s not why I feel guilty. You see, my step dad had to move (run was more like it) across the country. Police are looking for him everywhere, and if he gets caught he’s going to jail for a very, very long time. He will never get to see his baby boy grow up, he will probably not be with his parents when they die, and he’s not getting to finish out his life. If he did get out early, he would have to register as a sex offender every year. He would be shunned from societies and ran out of towns. I don’t want that for him.

So, this entire shindig has not been easy for me and I’m so confused at times. But I can deal and I will. Having so many people to support and love me means the world and beyond to me, but try to remember there’s only so much you can do for a loved one. The rest will be healed with time.