How to Seem Better in Bed

So you’re struggling in the bedroom. And the sad truth is, you’re probably not going to get any better. I’m sorry.

But that’s no reason to lose hope. Just because you aren’t any good in bed doesn’t mean every girl has to know you aren’t any good in bed. If you follow these suggestions, there’s a chance you just might be able to trick a girl into thinking you actually know what the hell you’re doing in there.

Never Apologize

Lots of guys make the mistake of apologizing for every little bedroom slip-up. That means several hundred apologies for about every fifteen minutes of erotic activity. And girls don’t want to hear that. They don’t want to be reminded of how inept you are.

An apology is an admission of guilt that draws the woman’s attention to your weaknesses and away from whatever minor sexual triumphs you may have been able to achieve—maintaining an erection for several (non-consecutive) minutes, finding the right hole, leaving her with only minor injuries. It doesn’t matter how badly you perform or how unhappy she seems to be. You shouldn’t say you’re sorry.  

If you appear satisfied with your sexual performance—and this will take some serious acting ability on your part, let me tell you—then she will wonder if maybe it wasn’t quite as bad as she thought. She will begin to question the overwhelming testimony of her senses, and eventually consider the possibility that she might be the sexual incompetent of your relationship. “Was I okay?” she’ll ask you self-consciously after another one of your bungling sexual misfires. And you’ll say to her, “You were fine, baby, just fine.”

So for example, if you ejaculate prematurely, don’t say, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” or, “I don’t know what’s going on, I usually last like way longer.” You should say, “Oh, honey, that was really good,” or, “That was so magical, baby—I think those were the best four seconds of my entire life.” Then give her a warm kiss—and don’t apologize if you’re a terrible kisser—and cuddle up beside her. While you’re pretending to be asleep, she’ll slowly convince herself that maybe you’re not really bad at sex—maybe you’re just different at sex.