How to Seem Better in Bed

Go on the Offensive

Sometimes, the best defense is a good offense.

So if you sense that a girl is particularly unhappy with your sexual offering—if, say, she has a really angry look on her face or mouths the words “I hate you” during intercourse—then it might be wise to level a preemptive attack.

So as soon as you sense the phrase “you worthless, dickless little man” is about to leave her lips, tell her you weren’t so impressed with what she brought to the bedroom. Ask her, “Were you not feeling so hot today, or is that what you usually do in bed?” This will astonish her. It will completely undermine her attack of your erotic ability. And it will suddenly make things about her sexual adequacy, not yours.

“How could I have been any better?” she’ll ask you. “You only gave me like ten seconds to do my thing,” she’ll say, trying to redirect the focus to your glaring weakness. But don’t worry, you can turn the tables right back around.

“Ten seconds is all some girls need.”

Game, set, and match.

Distract Her During Lovemaking

This is the easiest, and cheapest, way to prevent a woman from noticing what a sorry lover you are.

You can accomplish this simply by engaging her in stimulating conversation during sex. You can talk politics—“You haven’t heard of the Teapot Dome Scandal? I find that so interesting!”—you can talk movies—“Really, I see Mrs. Doubtfire as an impassioned allegory for transgender rights”—or you can just talk weather—“What do you like better, sleet or hail? Or neither?”

Another option is to play the loudest, shittiest music you can find as the soundtrack for your erotic misadventure. This will present a confounding variable, so to speak—afterward, the girl will know she just had an awful experience, but she won’t be sure if it’s because you were awful or because the music was awful.  

And if you really want to distract her, have a DVD of Grey’s Anatomy playing in the room while you’re having sex. She’ll be so engrossed in fast-paced medical drama that she won’t give a hoot what sad sexual experiments you’re inflicting upon her. In fact, she’ll probably see your attempt to have sex with her as a distraction from her precious Grey’s, which gives you the perfect excuse for an early finish. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss the end of your show,” you can tell her, even though you finished well before the first commercial break. “Sure, whatever,” she’ll say, her eyes glued to Patrick Dempsey. Perfect. Let her forget all about the sexual abomination she just endured in those (Mc)dreamy eyes of his.

So again, don’t be a dope and worry about being better in bed. Just worry about seeming better. Because as they say, appearance is everything. And even if that’s not exactly true, appearance is definitely something. And who knows? You may fool some poor girl into actually believing that you’re a real man. And what could be cooler than that?