Confession of a sex addict.
It is always difficult to say goodbye but as 2011 came to an end, I was very happy to see it go. I am not usually one to set resolutions simply because they carry the stigma of failure. So this year, instead of resolving to change something or to do something, I am going to evolve into a better woman. To begin my evolution, I have determined that the only way to truly evolve is to address the issues in my life that have been holding me back from achieving more happiness and more joy. This journey I know will prove to be daunting, overwhelming, emotional, and necessary. I have briefly reflected over the past year and I am truly appalled of who I am and what I have become in the past six years.
What I have discovered is that I am carrying around one particular issue. This stronghold has become so deeply rooted that I have truly lost sight of myself. I have succumb to this and I can only describe the effect as tragic. I have heard that acceptance is the first step to recovery. Over the past week, I have been struggling to come to terms with what I am about to confess to the world. I have never admitted this in fear of judgement and out of my own shame. I have only told one other person about this. I am saddened that I did not get the response that I was hoping for. In my reliance on him for validation I have lost sight of where my TRUE worth originates. His silences has forced me to look to someone much bigger, better, and more faithful for that answer. And for that, I can not be angry. I am appreciative.
I will confess that I am terrified of the backlash that this journey will bring. I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of being thought less of. I am afraid of what people might say. All that I can do to combat these fears is to pray that I will overcome that reputation. A reputation that I brought upon myself. The past six years have been leading me to this place. A place of redemption. A place of grace. A place of peace. A place of freedom.
My resolution evolution of 2012 begins with complete abstinence. I have never said this aloud and perhaps a blog is not really out loud but it is what I know. I write from the heart. My wish is that whoever reads this will understand what I feel. I know that I will be ridiculed for this but for those that read this and truly know me, I believe that they will love me any way. I want people to feel the heart of a scarred yet ultimately victorious woman.
I have used sex to feel something. I have used sex for acceptance. I have used sex as manipulation. I have been used for sex yet I felt nothing. Acceptance was fleeting. Manipulation was hurtful. Each time I had sex with a man that never had my heart I gave away a piece of my soul. I slowly eroded away my self esteem and allowed doubt and shame to take residence there. The only answer that I have been able to come up with is complete abstinence. In this, I will find the man that will love me for me and not just my body. For I believe that if this man values me and loves me, he will respect my choice to wait until marriage. I believe that I will find that man only when I have found my way back to the heart of God.