Marriage vs. Celibacy: Towards Self-Discovery

Why do men and women marry? Why would others choose to remain celibate? Individuals have different reasons why they marry or fail to do so. What would be the reason why a man or woman would want to devote the rest of his or her life to one particular wo/man, or two or three wo/men for those polygamous? The reasons are as varied as there are the number of men and women currently in a relationship or out of it.

Extremely interesting is the fact that even the celibate will still hang onto relationships, afraid to let go, and some nuns and monks have gone to the extreme of keeping secret liaisons and even families while pretending to wholly serve their Lord in total abstinence. Men and women were created with a string of inherent needs and the reasons for marriage or celibacy seem to point to what the psychologist Abram Maslow called the hierarchy of needs.

We have several needs that motivate us in everything that we do. The most basic needs are those that deal with the desire to satisfy our hunger and thirst, safety, sense of belonging before we can transcend all these and move to greater needs i.e. attaining self actualization.

Some people marry because of the promise of better nourishment that may come with married life while others remain celibate to run away from the added responsibility that comes with families. Others marry for the desire to have children, a family they can call their own. Still many others marry on the premise of free sex, for they would love to have this need satisfied whenever and wherever it arises. Others marry for love. Now, that magical feeling again! They believe that without that special man or woman in their lives, they won’t live one more minute. Some marry for want of an individual they can mistreat, batter, and get away with it.

Despite the variety of reasons listed, more than fifty per cent of marriages do not simply work, and the parties involved spend more time just hanging in there, afraid to get out and live on their own. What would our friends say if they discovered our marriage has failed? What would our parents say, and the church elders, and the children, will they survive if we part? Those are the questions that make millions of marriages survive, yet the lure of independence is at times stronger, and we say enough is enough, and call it quits, preferring instead to live on our own, celibate! Yet life is a struggle. Those who are celibate are dying for love, the desire to be with someone other than their lord. Those who are married are dying for a little space, just to be on their own. Nothing therefore grants total happiness, but whichever road we choose, there is always the desire to know ourselves even more…it’s the way to self discovery.