My Real Feelings

For years I have fooled myself into believing I didn’t have a sex drive, nor did I ever have sexual feelings for anyone.  Over the past couple of months, however, I have realized that they once were there.  I only had sexual thoughts for one girl my entire life so far.  I didn’t even know it because when I first had sexual feelings she was young and didn’t excite me in any way.  But in later years, it became obvious to me that I had a huge crush on her. 

I actually became completely confused about my sexuality in high school because I was unsure whom my thoughts were for.  My first time to have sexual feelings there was only one female around, and at the time I had no idea I even liked her because she was so young.  But when she got older I realized who the feelings were for.  I never told her, although it was no state secret that I had a crush on her. 

After she moved away I went to college and had my first girlfriend.  Although I liked her for who she was, there were no sexual feelings for her in me.  Now I have another girlfriend, but once again there are no sexual feelings between us.  It makes me wonder is it right that I want to be with her for the rest of my life.  There is a part of me that wonders if I would still be faithful if the only girl I ever have had sexual feelings for came back into my life.  I don’t view that happening, but I fear what would happen if it did.

I have been holding this stuff back from the world for quite some time.  I am writing under an alias and will not reveal my true name.  I am looking for other opinions, thoughts, and perhaps even people who have been through the same situation.  Please feel free to comment.