A satirical look at barriers to emptying one’s bladder with an erection.
Sooner or later, usually about the time we discover that it is preferable to not pee the bed, most men learn that nature has given us a defense against doing so. That is, the urine prompted erection. (I say most men because I am told that some men never learn the former and never experience the latter in any description). It works quite simply and is founded on the axiom; when a man has an erection he must wake up and have sex.
This is hardwired into the brain-penis nerve pathways.
One should always be awake to have sex…so I am told.
So, the bladder wants to empty and the brain says “what’s the best way to wake this guy? Fire? A smoke alarm? A sharp pain in the chest?.. No, an erection.”
Fortunately for us men, our creator, in his good humour, lightened up on us. Usually there is no actual desire to have sex accompanying this erection. He did not hardwire this fact into the minds of our female lovers however.
Instead, what He wired into the minds of our lovers was the trigger;
Erection = I am desirable
Conversely, sadly, when all he wants to do is pee and it is 3am and he is functioning on 10% of his brain cells (the ones that control his penis and his bladder), this thought becomes twisted.
Erection/He does not want me = I am fat. My bum is too big. Holy Shit! He’s having an affair!
God planned for this too; a nuerolinguistic impulse causes him to utter “I need to use the toilet first”, at the first sound of an Mmmm from the other side of the bed.
Alas. Urination destroys the erection and therefore this becomes;
Erection/thinks of making love to me/no erection = I am fat. My bum is big…
Women are from Venus, men from Erectus.
Consider for a moment, those without a penis, or more precisely those without an erect penis, the logistics of peeing with one;
The erect penis points up at somewhere between 20 and 45 degrees. The toilet is down and ideally requires a firing angle of greater than 110 degrees. Ad to this the concept that the urine prompted erection was designed to prevent the escape of urine and we have a problem. The flow is a no-go.
Quickly the man learns that he has to sit on the toilet and lean forward to accommodate the acute angle of erection to stomach. This enables him to pee in the bowl, thus losing his erection and making his physical state more appropriate for peeing.
Fat men may experience poor results if their belly does not allow them to lean forward far enough. Drunk men may experience similarly poor results depending on whether they made it to the bathroom (closets look a lot like toilets to drunk men), remembered to sit and remembered to lean forwards. Fat Drunk men may not make it out of bed. They may not find their erection.
Sometimes drunk men will experience a condition known as Reverse Peristalsis (spewing) whilst conducting this maneuver, and if not leaning forward sufficiently to capture the flow of urine, may make quite a mess.
It is likely that following such an episode this man will track through the debris with his bare feet back to the bed. Fortunately he will remember nothing of it in the morning.
This does however pose a solution to the problem;
Erection/he does not want me = I am fat;
For it is a rare woman who would actually want him. Certainly she is not going to blame herself for his little accidents. Indeed, at some point she is likely to refuse him and think “Piss off and have an affair!”
It is well documented that men who smell of urine, vomit and beer, and deposit the mess on the bed sheets have less sex than those who do not.
These same men however, do not suffer the indignities of ridicule of their manhood, performance anxiety, guilt or from martyring-complex issues.
In summary, then, it does seem better for a man to go to bed drunk than to have to put up with the whining of a demanding woman with self esteem and ego problems.