Revenge: How Low Could You Go?

6. You’re looking after your lover’s flat while they’re on a week-long conference. One day into the week, you hear that your “beloved” has been spied canoodling with a mystery blonde at the seaside – not a conference in sight. Do you:

a) Get details of where they are and catch the next train/flight so you can catch them red-handed.

b) Do something nasty to the flat – take down the curtain poles and fill them with a pound of prawns, for example, or water the carpets and sprinkle them with cress seeds. Then leave

c) Feel sorry for the “spy” – they’re obviously living in Fantasyland..

7. Your next door neighbour’s dog keeps poo-ing outside your front door. You’ve complained but to no avail. Do you:

a) Leave a few small deposits of your own on their doorstep,

b) Write them a stern letter with the help of a solicitor, or

c) Do nothing. After all, s*** happens…?

SCORES

For all questions:

Score 2 for a’s

Score 1 for b’s

Score 0 for c’s

CONCLUSIONS

If you scored 10 or over, you’re the most impulsive of all revenge-seekers. If you’re wronged, you almost always have a knee-jerk reaction and do whatever you feel like doing at that moment. As you probably know by now, this isn’t always the best way to go… OK, so revenge may be wrought and justice may be done, but because you don’t give yourself any time to think things through and because you rarely stop to consider the possible repercussions of your behaviour, you often end up hurting yourself more than anyone else. In the process of getting your own back, you cut off your nose to spite your face, which just ends up making for a double helping of upset. Remember that old Clint Eastwood film, where he’s shagging all those lovely ladies in the same house, then one of them gets the jealous hump and cuts his leg off, and then he’s not well enough to shag anybody? Well that’s you, that is. (The amputator, not Clint.) So the next time you feel wronged, perhaps you should give yourself 24 hours breathing space before you take action.

If you scored 5 – 9, you’re the sort of person who likes to hatch a really good plan in order to wreak revenge on a wrong-doer. You’re so singleminded and so determined not to let anyone mess up your life, that you’ll go to great and often complex lengths to make sure the perpetrators of Crimes Against You are avenged. You’re clever and manipulative are often get the enemy to fall into your well-laid traps by being all sweetness and light to the offending person for as long as you can grit your teeth. Your favourite method of pay-back is to wait a while and allow them to think they’ve got away with it, then – when they’re least expecting it – you metaphorically blow them away. You’re clever enough to cover your tracks, but if you do happen to get caught out you don’t give a toss. As far as you’re concerned, they had it coming… Why, you’re so revenge-crazy, you make the Kill Bill lady look like a pussycat! And that’s not easy.

If you scored 4 or less, you may sometimes feel like being vengeful but because you’re a bit of a fatalist, most of the time you just can’t be arsed. You might be the sort of person who believes that life is crap at the best of times and because of that belief you expect to be shat on occasionally. Also, your expectations of other people may not be that high, so you kind of expect them to let you down once in a while. Alternatively, you might just be incredibly easygoing, so much so that nothing gets your back up. If so, you’re one of an extremely rare breed. Of course, not being a vengeful person has its benefits – your blood pressure will probably never be high and letting upsets wash over you keeps your stress levels low. Rising above other people’s nasty behaviour can also make you feel kind of superior, which is nice if you like that kind of feeling. But it might be an idea to at least occasionally “have words” with those who seem to be deliberately trying to sabotage your life, or people will start not only walking over you but wiping their muddy boots as they go.