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Sex Before Marriage: Is It Wrong?

A short view on the morals and implications of sex before marriage. Is Sex before marriage “right” or “wrong”?

My views…

I believe that men and women should have the right to choose whether to have sex before marriage as long as they are over the age of consent for that country and abiding by the laws of the country of residence.

I do not believe that any religion should dictate otherwise, or any other human being should have control over another persons body and emotions.

If your religion or your country doesn’t suit your beliefs (i.e you want to have sex before marriage but your religion forbids it) then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your beliefs and what you would like in life.

 Too many times I have witnessed hypocrites who claim to abide by their religion, but have sex regardless (I’ve been told this by a couple of people themselves). What is the point of following a religion if you don’t respect it? (I’m not religious by the way but I do believe that once you take an oath or swear by something, you should honour it).

Life is too short to be unhappy and no one, absolutely no one should be able to dictate your life as an adult.

This is a widely discussed subject, and before contraception (such as the condom, and the contraceptive pill) came along, I can understand as to why men and women (women in particular) had to be so very careful about getting pregnant before marriage- and so, therefore, there was presumably “no sex” before marriage for fear of getting pregnant (or getting a sexual disease) and being frowned upon, and almost outcast from society. It was frowned upon to have a child outside of marriage- today its normality! So what changed?

Nowadays with contraception readily available in the UK and other country’s, the unspoken “no sex before marriage” rule is long gone, and in a lot of other ways so have peoples morals.

I do however understand the need to have the “no sex before marriage” rule in developing countries. These country’s have limited money, food and resources- where are they going to find the treatment for such sexual diseases and unwanted pregnancy? With the high possibility of Aids in these developing countries, I completely understand why in some country’s it is illegal to have sex before marriage.

How many times do we hear of cases where a woman is pregnant outside of a marriage (this appears to be the normality these days) or a woman has many different children to different fathers… Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an attack on women’s morals, but men and women’s morals in equal measure. It takes “two to tango” as they say!

At least with the unspoken rule of “no sex before marriage” made sex more precious and of more meaning in that sense.

However I still stand by the fact that regardless of this you should have the right to choose responsibly.

I have always had control over my own life, I suppose in many ways its down to your upbringing or personal morals.

The problem is, if you don’t have sex before marriage…and you get married to an incompatible partner (in more ways than one), do you honestly think it would work? Sex isn’t everything by any means, but it IS important without a doubt. I do often wonder about couples who have been together for many years with the “no sex before marriage” rule and wondered if; a) they are lying and have actually had sex! or b) are worried? As the longer you put it off, the more tension and unnecessary expectations. I’m very sure there are lots of couples out there who wished they had experimented (safely) and who are unhappy with their choice of “no sex before marriage” or just aren’t compatible with their partner.

At the end of the day I suppose its down to the individual. I have been with my partner for over 2 years now and enjoy the freedom of being able to make my own decisions.

As a conclusion, Sex before marriage is right in the right situation. If your religion or country deny’s it- then move on to something you are more comfortable with, or stay put and respect the beliefs.

Everyone has a choice.

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  1. rebar45

    On May 19, 2009 at 6:10 am


    Thank you sir,
    you just added to the moral decay of this country.kudos to you

  2. Helen Diaz

    On May 19, 2009 at 9:36 am


    I’m a young woman who wrote this article, but thankyou for your support :)

    Best wishes,

    Helen Diaz

  3. JOESUT

    On May 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm


    Good article, but I think rebar45 needs his head examined. It should be about choice not about religious beliefs and rules. If we obeyed every religious rule in the world about sex, marriage and when to have children, the human race would cease to exist.

  4. well versed

    On May 19, 2009 at 1:56 pm


    Good article about a controversial subject!

  5. Pat

    On May 24, 2009 at 2:26 pm


    Religion should have nothing to do with it, only your personal opinion on the matter. Why anyone would lead their life according to what a collection of outdated writings says, is still a mystery, to me. Religion has been the cause of most wars. You’d think sheep like rebar45 have learned their lesson by now.

    As long as people can be held accountable for what they do in life, no one has the right to dictate what they should or should not do.

    It is in humanity’s nature to have sexual urges. To tell people they should ignore those feelings means you expect them to disavow their humanity!

    Let all the cultist lock themselves up on a remote island without having someone there who is allowed to officiate at weddings. Let’s find out just how human you really are.

  6. Sarah

    On June 2, 2009 at 7:14 pm


    Helen, thank you for giving this controversial subject a humane voice. I severely disagree with people like rebar45 who think that your freedom of speech is actually effecting the decay of this country, but I even more thoroughly disagree with jerks like Pat who think that anyone who adheres to a religion (something they CHOOSE to do, mind you!) is a cultist. Basically, both people I mentioned are extremists, and extremists only have extremist friends and closed minds. Yes, Pat, you are just as closed-minded as rebar45 because you cannot accept someone’s values as their own decision and move on with your own judgmental life.

    That being said, Helen, your post was surprisingly refreshing in that you don’t judge the people who follow a religion or their culture’s standards. I admire that you advise them to either make their own choices or to respect the beliefs. You must recognize that sex before marriage is not for everyone, just as abstinence is not for everyone.

    I read your article because I’m grappling with the subject myself. Because of my religious beliefs, I’ve abstained from sex. I’m getting married in January, though. On one hand, I agree with Pat in that sexual urges are big parts of what make us human. On the other hand, waiting for the right person was the best decision of my life. Having sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend advances the relationship to much more serious standards than it would have been without the sex–I don’t have to have had sex in order to understand the basic progression of romance/love/sex–and, if you do it too soon, it can lead to even more heartbreak than is entirely necessary. Most of us don’t marry our high school sweethearts, and if we sleep with everyone with fall in love with until we go eventually get married, then the emotional baggage we’re carrying around from the depth of those other relationships is much more than it would have been had they been slightly less emotionally investing. You don’t need to give your all to everyone you meet in order to tell how you feel about them. If you can’t work together spiritually, emotionally, or mentally, then a great sex life isn’t going to fix that. You need all of those things in order to work. That being said, you can learn a lot about a person sexually just by having open, frank conversations with them.

    Yes, I am a little worried. My fiance and I have not been saints–we’ve gone just as far as we’re comfortable going, and have not regretted a thing–but we’re still sticking to the plan of abstinence. People have asked me how I know I want to marry him if I don’t have sex with him. I want to say exactly what you said–sex isn’t everything. Even though it’s still incredibly important, I still doubt that our relationship is going to fail because of some sexual fantasy he has that I don’t want to play out, or whatever. I think (right now–we’ll see how I feel in January) that many sexual incompatibilities can be solved through honest communication and compromise. Don’t tell me I know nothing about sex just because I haven’t actually done the deed–I have done pretty much everything up until that point, so I think I understand it pretty well, though not perfectly. But if you are compatible with a person in all the other areas of personality and temperament, and you love them very much, then you’re hopefully willing to bend a little if everything isn’t completely perfect. My fiance and I are a perfect match–I know we’ll have sexual problems, like everyone, but we’ll get through them.

    All of that being said, I don’t think everyone needs to practice abstinence. It’s a choice, 100%. Thank you for not faulting us for our choices (on either side), and hopefully I could give you a little insight into why this is my decision.

  7. cameltoe joe

    On June 3, 2009 at 2:52 pm


    I think religion should have nothing to do with sex. Shag if you want! God aint stoppin ya!

  8. Skip Johnson

    On July 20, 2009 at 2:44 pm


    Helen,

    You’ve accurately described what currently passes for “normal” in much of society. You have the right, of course, to hold any view you wish, to express it, to live by it, and to deal with such outcomes and consequences as result. With nothing more than the urges from inside one’s own skin and the voices around us in society as reference points, coming to the conclusions you express here is to be expected.

    There are other alternatives, however. I’ll express one here.

    I met God at age 17, and at that point accepted the teachings of the Christian Bible as my guide for life. (Since then, I have hand copied the entire Bible cover to cover. So I am acquainted with what it teaches in these matters, as well as others…) It became apparent immediately that in order to be a Bible-believing and practicing Christian, I became responsible to God for my sexual conduct. My body didn’t belong to me. It belonged to the God who had made me, bought me back at the cost of the death of His own Son, and had every right to let me know what His expectations were for my conduct.

    At that point, I had not had sex yet, mostly for lack of opportunity. I saw that in order to avoid what the Bible calls “fornication” (sex before marriage) I would need to abstain from having sex with anyone until I got married. To do otherwise would be to violate the teachings of the Bible, which I had accepted as a guide for my conduct.

    Now I dated 30 girls in all before I got married, including a girl I went with for 5 years. So the opportunity, the personal inclination, and the peer presssure to become involved in premaritial sex were all there. Even on the Christian campus I attended, a great many were of the view that “if you weren’t having sex with someone, you were wasting a natural resource”. This was in the era after birth control had come in, and before the AIDS epidemic had struck. Pretty much any sexually transmitted disease could be “fixed” by a shot from the doctor. By all external social standards that made sense at the time, me choosing to wait until marriage to have sex made no sense at all. It could only be supported by the teachings of the Book of the God I had chosen to worship, the God of the Bible. For me, that was enough. It wasn’t easy. But it was possible.

    In making this choice, it also became important to me not to marry a girl who had a different belief or life practice than myself in these matters. I didn’t wish to wait until marriage, then marry a girl who had not done the same. So I began to consider moral beauty as well as physical beauty in the girls I dated.

    My third year of college, I became engaged to the girl I eventually married. That was not an easy engagement. My conscience, informed by the teachings of the Bible, said, “Wait”. My personal instincts and every fiber of my being said, “Sleep with this beautiful woman. She is in love with you, and she will let you if you ask her.”

    I chose to wait, though that may be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It was not until we had said our “I do’s” before family, friends, and God, and were on our honeymoon that my wife and I made love for the first time. I was 23 years old, and my wife was 22. Both of us were virgins on our wedding night, and neither of us has ever slept with anyone except each other in 29 years we’ve been married since that time.

    What were the results of these choices? Nearly three decades later, I love Judi like my next breath. I find her the sexiest woman on the planet. She’s absolutely unique in my life experience, without a rival, and without a shred of a past ghost to which she might be compared. Staying faithful to Judi for nearly three decades has never been a problem, though on more than a dozen occasions there have been people I’ve encountered who have done what they could to seduce me–ten women and two men. I simply ignored their advances where I could, and turned them down with as little damage to their feelings as possible where ignoring them didn’t work.

    I’ve never met anyone ever I have ever wanted as much as I wanted Judi during that year we were going together. Going through that “wanting and waiting” anchored me to her, I suppose, in some basic sort of way that has proved a permanent bond. Like a little duck who imprints on the first thing it sees coming out of the egg as its parent. I hear enough love songs written about the singer’s first sexual experience, and how they keep harkening back to that even after going through many later partners to think there is something built into us that responds well to making your first sexual partner your only one.

    Statistics show that those who sleep with a person before marrying them increase the likelihood of later divorce. Driving a car before you buy it is one thing. Sleeping with someone before you marry them is another. A basic element of trust is violated that greatly complicates your later marriage adjustment. If he will cheat with you before you marry, he’s already shown he will cheat on you afterward. I read a marriage counselor a while back who claims that in 20 years of counseling, he had never met a single couple who later divorced where both parties had waited until marriage to have sex for the first time, even with each other. A while back, Redbook, a magazine that cannot be identified as a Christian mouthpiece, did an article on sexual satisfaction in marriage. Among the hundreds of women who responded to their survey, there was a single group that reported the highest maritial satifaction of any. It was the “born again Christian women”. My own life experience would bear that out. If you wish to divorce proof your marriage, waiting until you are married to have sex for the first time, and choosing someone who has done the same, is the way to go.

    You assume that the dangers of sleeping together have been reduced or eliminated by modern science. Think again. There are a whole range of sexually transmitted diseases out there for which there is no cure. The kind ones simply kill you. For those who use a condom as intended on a regular basis, pregnancy still occurs about every 18 months on the average. Also, there is no condom for your heart. Guys in particular who sleep with a girl before marriage are at many times greater risk for suicide than those who wait–a fact I learned in a non-religious workshop on suicide prevention. We simply are not equipped to sleep with a woman, then have her leave. If we develop the ability to do so, we have done so at the expense of our mental health and our ability to bond appropriately.

    First time I kissed Judi was in the girl’s chapel at the college we attended, with a huge picture of Jesus standing and smiling down at us up front. I still feel that smile every time I make love to the woman He gave me to share my bed and my life. It is a wonderful thing when you’ve chosen something good, and your life matches your conscience. All those voices that said, “No” before I was married said, “Go!” afterward.

    Waiting isn’t easy. I suppose I would know that better than those who don’t, same as the tree that still stands after the hurricane passes knows the fury of the storm more than those whose roots gave way. But it is possible. It is healthy. It is safe. It is a most intelligent choice to make, as even a quick survey of the multiple less-than-ideal outcomes having premaritial sex exposes one to. It has multiple major beneficial payoffs that last a lifetime. Knowing that I’ve never had anyone but my wife, and she’s never had anyone except me–well, it doesn’t get any better than that.

    I highly recommend it. So does the God of the Bible, of course. It isn’t the right thing to do because the Bible says to do it that way. The Bible says to do it that way because it is the right thing to do. I suppose God should know. After all, He made us.

  9. maeraquel

    On May 29, 2010 at 9:23 am


    I always admire people who firmly stand for what they believe is good for them. How can something be wrong when it makes the bond between two people stronger ?

    Casual sex is a different thing. Others can do it if they want,but not me.

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