Sex: Just Like in the Movies
Passionate, pulsating, palpitating. Sex always looks so… well… sexy in the movies. The stars always look great and everything – from the first expert kiss (no noses banging or teeth clashing there) to the last puff of the post-coital cigarette (never a speck of ash on the duvet) – always seems to run smoothly. But can we, as mere mortals, put on such a good show or, indeed, have such a good time?
Conclusion: Would work fine if the boyfriend was as short as Al Pacino. 2/10.
Something wild
In the film: Melanie Griffiths goes dominatrix on Jeff Daniels and handcuffs him to a motel bed.
In real life: We don’t have a headboard – or any posts to attach anything to. So we unfolded the sofa bed, which has a metal frame. We did actually have a pair of handcuffs. (Impressed, huh?) Ready for action, I put on my sternest face (not a pretty sight) and proceeded to “arrest” the boyfriend. Unfortunately, he struggled a bit too convincingly and broke the handcuffs. Now we have to replace them before our youngest daughter finds out her old “cops and robbers” ones are in the bin.
Conclusion: Maybe it’d have been more effective if we’d used special issue police handcuffs, as Melanie did. 3/10.
No way out
In the film: A red-eared Kevin Costner gets down to the nitty-gritty with the lanky Sean Young in the back of a stretch limousine.
In real life: I thought a black BMW was about as close as we’d get to a limousine, but once in position “no way out” was exactly the way we both felt. As in the film, we had a few cocktails first (mine’s a Between The Sheets; his is a Harvey Wallbanger!) and settled into position. The mild drunkenness made the interior of the car feel slightly bigger than it was, but sadly our co-ordination had gone completely out the electric window and it was virtually impossible to get comfortable. That’s when my man suggested we get in the back… In re-adjusting ourselves, clambering over the seats, however, I sat on the horn (the wrong one unfortunately) and, as our neighbours’ net curtains started to twitch (we hadn’t bothered actually going anywhere and the car was parked just outside our house), we decided to pay the babysitter for her 15-minute stint a call it a night.
Conclusion: Lend us a limo! This one has potential. 5/10.
A few for you to try:
* The Bodyguard – getting carried to bed (you, not him!)
* Indecent Proposal – cover the bedroom in roses (mind the thorns!)
* Bull Durham – bondage and sex in the bath (no, not at the same time!)
* Last Tango in Paris (excuse me, but isn’t that illegal?)
* Body Of Evidence – wax on the genitals (or maybe not…)
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