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Sharing Sexual Fantasies with Your Partner

Couples typically feel very guilty about having sexual fantasies, especially during their love making, yet sharing fantasies could make their sex life more enjoyable and their relationship more open.

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Many people fantasize about sex—when they are getting it, when they are not getting it, and while in the middle of it.  Counselors have recorded many guilt feelings caused by sexual fantasies.  However, it is quite normal for men and women to have fantasies, and often quite extraordinary ones at that.  .  Some men worry about having homosexual fantasies, yet there is nothing unusual about this.   Only if this dominates their fantasies might there be some significance.  Many people who, would be classified as being quite normal have admitted fantasies of lesbianism, homosexuality, group sex, extramarital affairs with known people, bestiality, sadomasochistic episodes, countless fetishes ranging from rubber wear through bondage to transvestitism, etc.  In all of these examples, the fantasies, although recurring periodically, were not constant, and the only harm they generated was when they caused conscious worry. 

Couples typically feel very guilty about having sexual fantasies, especially during their love making, yet sharing fantasies could make their sex life more enjoyable and their relationship more open.  Allowing your thoughts to move as freely as your body can heighten the total experience.  However, disclosing your fantasies without warning could be disturbing to your partner.  This is why it is essential to create the appropriate climate for this.  Relationship counselors Barrie and Charlotte Hopson share these couples’ exercises on opening up about sexual fantasies:

1.  Each partner shares with the other (a) one sexual fantasy experienced during their love making; (b) one sexual fantasy experienced at some time other than when they are making love.

2.  Examine one another’s reaction to these fantasies.  Each person answers the question:  “Does this fantasy mean that I desire you less?”

3.  Share any other sexual fantasies you can recall and feel comfortable in discussing.

4.  Would you like to translate any of these fantasies into actuality?

For the majority of people, most fantasies serve their purpose kept on that level.  At the height of sexual ardor it might be tempting to translate the images into practice, but most people are happy to keep them as fantasies.

What would be the implications of putting them into practice for both of you? 

Some couples discover that fantasies involving their partners are capable of being into practice and they experiment with these, for example, oral intercourse, some form of dressing up, making love in unusual positions or places, and even partner swapping and troilism.  As long as each person knows the effects of his actions on his partner and the partner is also eager to explore new possibilities, then they are unlikely to come to grief.  But it is very tempting for a dominant person to persuade the partner to do something of which the latter is uncertain or even disproving.

Explore your fantasies together.  Enjoy them.  Use your partner sexually, and allow your partner to use you.  Talk to your partner about your feelings when you are used and when you do the using.

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