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Women Talk: A Man’s Penis

In this unique study, it is interesting to read what some women are saying about the penis, and, why they are saying it. Obviously, these women are "out front" and extraverted enough to share their intimate feelings. This is not an article about size or shape, but just about how women chat online about the male organ.

In a random, non-scientific search of what women had said the penis, in their own words, taken from their websites on a popular Internet social network, it was determined that women do, indeed, like the penis, but sometimes not the man attached to it. This information was gleaned in the time frame from September 11 – 17, 2011. I ran a search on the word “penis,” and limited the status statements to self-identified females only.

It is difficult to extrapolate these findings to cover all women, but it is an interesting peek into some of the women that are able to access the Internet and use such social networks. It is postulated that any social network would have similar results, and it is not likely that the social network used has any connection to the cause or effect of these, or anyone’s, statements.

One woman wrote, “They say your penisis related to shoe size. Well, that makes the fear of being raped by a clown much scarier!” I later found out that a similar comment began appearing on a variety of this social network’s statuses, so one could also include this in the list of “penisjokes” below.

“Walking round the house naked,” said one lady, “wearing my strap-on penis, I wonder what my life would have been like if i had a penis. Total domination? LOL” There is a common thread here where women address how different they would be as a male, i.e., had a penis.

A young woman expressed worry, when she wrote, “Ok, I learned that the average penissize is 3.5 inches (soft). That’s nearly 9 cm!!!!!!! When hard, it’s 5.5 inches long!  I think a small penisshall now be on my boyfriend criteria :) . This is a unique statement, as most women who comment on penis size overwhelmingly claim to prefer a much larger penis.

And, as an example, here is a woman who feels differently from the one above, when she states, “i’m sorry y’all but i couldn’t and wouldn’t marry a man with a small penis!! That is all.”

A more aggressive lady infers that she may have a warped mind, by saying, “I love big hard penis! Ha ha, I don’t care if I’m sick minded -_- :L.” I am not sure what the interpretation of the symbols are.

An apparently hard working woman seemed frustrated about her career, saying, “Getting ready for my day at work. Of course, it does not matter what I do or how hard I work. Without a penisit is not noticed or acknowledged!” There must be a correlation, at least in her mind, between sexual organ and workplace success.

Someone who seemed like a teenage girl said, “Hey [social network] Friends! Question: Does penissize matter? Answer (my answer): YES! HA HA HA! What’s Your Opinion? HA HA!”

A concerned mom said, “I need my beautiful daughter, [name deleted for privacy], to know that life does not begin and end with a stupid little boy! All they really and truly care about is “penisplacement” and boys will place that stupid thing wherever girls let them! Respect yourself enough not to play with those idiots, because most parents DO NOT teach their sons respect for females! They think it’s cute when their sons run amuck and wreak havoc! Well, it’s not cute! We need more parent to raise more goodmen, because they are going extinct!

Here’s a woman who, I guess, recently had broken up with her boyfriend, writing, “Now, you’re just a penisthat I used to blow.”

Another woman wrote, “What’s that useless piece of skin attached to a penis? A MAN! Lmfao!” Again, another joke, and there are similar jokes here and there, but this is the only one observed like this during the week.

An obvious very personal status statement was written by a woman who said, “Boy – oh – boy! Seeing your brother-in-law’s penis at the hospital is not something you want do again. EVER!”

What was this lady thinking when she said, “I have thoroughly enjoyed my penis-free evening and day, but I gotta admit I kinda miss my boys. Even the big one. ;-)

In spite of this comment from what seemed to be a teenage girl, she addresses her girlfriends using masculine words, “Hey, duddees … guys! we all were in our dads penis….!!!!! Ha ha ha.”

I am guessing from context that the two girls here must play practical jokes on each other by writing on each others’ faces while they are sleeping. For, this woman says, “Just got up, to find out i now have a unibrow and a beard also a penison the side of my face >:D LMAO! >:O Hey, [name deleted for privacy] ! i know u did it and its ok, only because i put a vagina all over ur phone pics and all soo we r now even >:).”

What appears to be a woman scholar wrote, “Look what I found doing my research on the Brazilian Economy: ‘The men of Brazil have the most highly developed penisout of all the South American countries’… ha ha ha ha.”

Hangover from a party? “Ok, ok. im up! my head hurts, im as hungry as hell & my kitchen floor looks like there were a whole bunch of drunk bitches eating a peniscake on it ….oh wait – there was! lol ha ha ha ha…….had a blast last nite!”

Here’s a football widow, I guess, who says, “Why is it when football comes on everyone with a penisbecomes deaf?”

Another ostensibly football widow says, “A man’s penis not only shrinks during cold weather, but also from non-sexual excitement like when his favorite football team scores a touchdown. It looks like we got a lot of limp dicks here tonight! Ha ha.”

Hooker? Lonely? Undercover cop pretending to be a 13-year-old girl online to catch a predator? Who knows? The FB person listed said, “IM SO COLD.. WANT TO BE HUGGED AND HAVE A PENISIN MY PUSSY…. IT FEELS NICE.”

I am not aware of this phrase as a synonym for penis, but one women is, when she asks, “Why is the name ‘Thomas’ used as a nickname for the PENIS?”

“Did you know…” remarked one woman on her social network page, “…that (1). the oldest known vegetable is the pea, and (2) men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other by shaking each other’s penis, instead of shaking each other’s hand! WEIRD.” She must have been watching a TV documentary on the Discovery Channel or similar.

Here’s an amusing statement one woman said, “I just realized that you can’t say ‘happiness’ without saying PENIS!”

One woman quoted a line from the character Captain Donald Cragen on the TV Series ‘Law and Order, Special Victims Unit’: “It’s all fun and games until someone loses a penis.”

Is this lady dismayed because she does, or, doesn’t have a male organ? She said, “I have bad aim; thank god he didnt give me a penis.”

This appears to be a teenage girl who is disgruntled because she had to move away from ‘jax’ – another name for Jacksonville, Florida. “Being here makes me appreciate the life i had in jax. ..becuz now i have no fuckin life. i swear everything here just sucks major penis. hope i can go see all my niggas soon.” I am not sure, but I think “sucks major penis” must mean “is really bad and I don’t like it” or something like that. Her photo showed a Caucasian woman, so I am unclear as to what “niggas” means in her mind.

Here’s an important announcement proclaimed by this lady, “TO MEN EVERYWHERE: If your penis’ were half as big as your mouths then we’d really be impressed!” All talk and no action, maybe?

“Visiting Grandma just made my day! lol,” said one young woman.  “My sister has like a carnival balloon that was twisted into a dog. Anyways, it started to go flat… and this is the conversation i heard, so brace yourself :) . Grandma asked, ‘What is that?’ My sister replied, ‘A balloon, but it’s goin’ flat though.’ Grandma then said, ‘Yeah. It’s goin’ limp like a man’s penisdoes!’ LMAO! Then Grams twirls it up and says, ‘Look! It’s a penis ring!’ I then stepped in and said, ‘You’re nasty, Grams!’ So Grandma looked at me and said, ‘Hey, i dont do sex anymore, so i can talk about it!’ I’m lovin’ the Grams :) .”

“So if there are glow-in-the -dark condoms, does that make your penisa light saber?”, one woman pondered.

This status statement is, well, I don’t really know. “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I hate rhyming. Penis.” 

And what does she mean when this woman says, “I love purple penis.”?

A poetic, but silly lady wrote, “The perverted purple penis’ pastime is passionately penetrating the pink pussy, with power.” Interesting, but the color of the male organ seems to be important. But, purple?

Some lady reported on another survey, answering the question “What women would do if they had a penis for a day”
    a. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
    b. Get a blow job.
    c. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
    d. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal….

Is this “penis envy”? A woman said, “I wish I had a penis rather than a vagina.”

A funny lady gave this humorous quip, “I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. Therefore, I, the penis want a raise.”

I suppose this woman is a lover of the penis, or, a “penisophile”; “I love penis all up, big or small, Chinese or Aussie, black or white, I LOVE ALL DICKS!”

Here’s a cute conclusion one woman said, “My favorite spam email is when they promise me a much larger penis in just 30 days. Yahoo!”

Quite a few FB status statements – mostly from young women – addressed a Discovery Channel Show,* “Strange Sex,” in an episode “Well Hung.” It is a program that includes the man who has the Guinness Book of World Records’ title of the world’s largest penis. The program also allows this man to explain the challenges that he has in life, due to his enormous girth.

The name of the man and relative lengths and girths of the human male penis is not really relevant to this article, but, rather, the fascination that the women read have with the human male penis.

In an earlier work by this same author (me), it was established that humans are part of the ape family, and the human male has the largest penis (relative to body size) of any of the members of this family. In contrast, the smallest is that of the male gorilla. But, I digress.

The following quips were status statements on these women’s web pages. They are jokes and stories about the penis that the women shared, and I saw most of these multiple times. The origins of the jokes or stories is not known, but come from some obscure person or persons on the Internet. And these are just the most common ones shared by the women during the week of the survey. It is certain that new phallic humor will “pop up” each week.

1.    An older man, wearing an oxygen mask, is in a hospital bed recovering from a medical procedure when he notices a lady nurse walking past.
   
    “Nurse?” he mumbles. “Are my testicles black?”
   
    The Nurse seems puzzled, but not wanting to act cold or indifferent, comes over to the man. She raises his hospital gown, takes his penis in her left hand, and cups his testicles in the other hand. Taking a close look, the nurse says, “There’s nothing wrong with them sir,” and she replaces the man’s gown.
   
    The man then pulls off his oxygen mask, and wearing an obvious smile, says, slowly and clearly, “Thanks for your examination; it was wonderful. However, I asked, ‘Are-my-test-results-back?’ ”
   
2.    A couple is enjoying a walk in a local park. The man grabs his wife’s butt and says, “If this were firm, you wouldn’t need your spandex underwear.”
   
    The wife turns around and grabs her husband’s penis, and replies, “And if this were firm, I wouldn’t need batteries!”
   
3.    A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were all talking one day and the brunette says “Oh my god! I went through my daughter’s purse the other day looking for gum, and I found an ounce of marijuana! I cant believe she smokes pot!”
   
    The redhead shares, “Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. in my daughter’s bag. I cant believe she has one.”
   
    Then the blonde chimes in, “Well, those things aren’t nothin’! I found a condom in my daughter’s wallet! I can’t believe she has a penis!”
   
4.    A man is about to leave for work, when he asks his wife, “May I take a picture of your breasts, so that I can always look at them?” The man’s wife replies, “Okay. And let me take a picture of your penis; I can have it enlarged before you get home from work.”

5.    A guy asks his girl friend, “Do you want to hear a funny story about my penis? Nevermind…it’s too long!” The girl then says, “Do you want to hear a story about my vagina? Nevermind…you’ll never get it!”

6.    & 7. How about comparing and contrasting the penis to other things? One woman asked, “What’s the difference between a lollipop and a penis? If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller. But if you lick a penis, it becomes bigger!” And another lady says, “What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.” These are jokes, but appeared only one time, respectively, during that week.
   
    8. A man marries a deaf girl, and after the marriage, he writes a note to her: “Darling, we need to come up with a code for when we want sex. For example, when I want sex, I’ll squeeze your left breast. If that is okay, and you want sex, you reply by shaking my penis once. If you do not want sex, you reply by shaking my penis 50 times.”

    9. A man goes to a costume party completely naked, with the exception of his wearing a glass jar over his erect penis. A lady asks him, “What are you dressed up as?” He answers, “I’m a fireman. Break the glass and pull the knob and I’ll come as fast as I can.”
   
    10. The Penis Poem!
    My nookie days are over.
    My pilot light is out.
    What used to be my manhood
    Is now my water spout!
   
    Time was when, on its own,
    From my trousers it would spring.
    But now its just a full time job
    To find the silly thing!
   
    It used to be embarrassing
    The way it would behave.
    For every single morning
    It would stand and watch me shave!
   
    Now as old age approaches
    It sure gives me the blues
    To see it hang its little head
    And watch me tie my shoes!

In conclusion, one can see that women, in general, are fascinated by the male penis. Natural curiosity, human sexuality, instinct, and other factors contribute to his fascination. However, this is not to say that all women are so disposed. Certainly there are women who don’t care, or, are non-sexual, or maybe they are homosexuals. But this short treatise doesn’t deal with any of those issues.

This random survey also shows that some ladies are quite extraverted, proactive, and aggressive, and speak their minds. It is posited that there are also huge numbers of women who are equally as fascinated, but would never proclaim their views about the male penis on such a forum. Again, this study had nothing to do with them.

Perhaps another researcher in human sexuality, or, in the psychology of sex, can use some, or part, of my work here to enhance his/her own aspects of work. I hope so.

*This is a 6-part TLC documentary television series produced by Sirens Media about sexual dysfunction that premiered on July 18, 2010; (tlc.discovery.com/videos/strange-sex-well-hung.html).

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