16 Strangers I’d Like to Strangle

10. The Drummer.  Why are you tapping your fingers on the desk?  I don’t care if you’re a wannabe drummer.  I don’t care if there’s a song stuck in your head.  Your incessant, off-beat tapping is driving me nuts! Just stop.  If you tap your fingers on every hard surface within reach, I will imagine strangling you.

9. The Gummer.  I’ve never actually seen one in action, but I know they exist.  The proof is underneath every public surface.  These people  use the undersides of desks and tables as gum receptacles. I imagine strangling them every time I accidentally touch a piece of used gum.

8. The Starer.  What are you looking at?  Is there something on my face?  Do I look familiar?  If you’re not going to speak, could you not stare at me like I’m growing an extra head? If you stare at me, I will imagine strangling you.

7. The Hooter.  Nobody’s bothered when hooters are girls.  Girls think they’re funny, and guys generally like being hooted at.  But male hooters are some of the most annoying strangers out there.  Thank you for making me feel incredibly uncomfortable.  That comment you made was oh-so-attractive.  If you hoot at me, I will imagine strangling you.

6. The Cutter. I realize that you need your coffee, or food, or ticket, or whatever else.  But so do I.  Though I’m sure you believe what you’re on your way to do is more important than what I’m on my way to do, you’re wrong.  And even if you aren’t wrong, if it was so important, you should have gotten here earlier. If you cut me, I will imagine strangling you.

5. The Bumper.  Ouch.  What the hell are you running from, and why did you have to smack into me?  Even a quick mumbled apology would appease me. Instead, you give me a look like I’m the one who bumped into you.  Or worse, like I’m interrupting your all-important journey to whatever-pointless-place.  Watch where you’re going.  If you bump into me and then act like a jerk about it, I will imagine strangling you.

4. The Power Freak.  Who put you in charge?  I know you think your assignment is important, but guess what? It’s not.  If it was important, they wouldn’t have given it to you.  So thank you Ms. Hall Monitor, Mr. Mall Security, and Mr. You Are Not Allowed to Walk on the Grass.  You are making the world a far more annoying place because of your ego.  If you hold your meaningless power over me just for the hell of it, I will imagine strangling you.

3. The Shusher.  I realize I talk a lot.  I like to talk.  But I know when to shut up.  I certainly do not need you to tell me with your annoyed face and finger.  I am not your child.  You are not the quiet police.  I will only talk louder and/or longer if you do this.  Get over yourself.  If you shush me, I will imagine strangling you.

2. The Smoker.  I know you’re addicted.  I’m really sorry about that.  But if I’m gonna stand here and be poisoned by a cigarette, I should at least get the pleasure of smoking it.  Stop making me inhale your secondhand smoke.  Smoking hasn’t been cool since the 50’s.  Buy some nicotine gum and deal with it.  If you smoke near me, I will imagine strangling you.

1. The Stereotype. Oh, how I despise you.  Stop making yourself look or act exactly like the stereotype of your race or age or gender.  We realize you’re black.  You don’t need to remind us.  We know you’re sixteen.  You don’t need to act like an idiot.  Be yourself.  Stop proving racist, sexist, and kids-these-days-ist people right.  You’re embarrassing us all.  If you act like a stereotype, I will imagine strangling you.