Angry Aki Tirades: Halloween

Halloween Approaches. 

October. Albuquerque finally starts to feel like fall, what leafy trees we have begin to turn to gold and red, the ambient temperature drops and your favorite rage-machine gets a cold because she’s too stubborn (others would say pig-headed) to put on a jacket. If you’re of Northern European-Persuasion (lookit me being all politically correct and shit), this is the time off year where we ought to be out in the fields getting ready for the harvest and preparing to spend the next few months indoors with friends, food and family while the howling winter winds try to kill us. 

Of course, none of you reading this are likely doing that. To most people October is about one thing, and one thing only; Halloween. Halloween, All Hallows Eve, International Dress Like A Slut Day, call it what you will. And so, in light of the holiday fast approaching, sit down, shut up, and let Aki rant about some Halloween shit. 

1. Costumes. 

The tradition of dressing up for Halloween goes back a long time. From my understanding it stems from the idea that on Oct. 31 witches, demons, goblins etc. would prowl the streets looking for children to eat. So, being naturally concerned about this, the parents would dress their kids up like the witches, demons, goblins etc. so they didn’t get eaten. I can understand that. After all, no one wants their precious little Timmy turned into Timmy-tots. 

However, like everything else, this tradition was taken right the fuck out of context. Costumes began a good excuse to act like hooligans (angry cane shaking)  and look like whores. Now you might stop and say “Aki, surely you’re over exagerrating the sexualization of hallo…” the pause is where you wander into any costume store and see that I’m right. I’m not sure WHY people are dressing as doxies and bints on Halloween beyond the simple ‘they can’. You are not endangered of being kidnapped and eaten by rabid harlots, and neither is your child. Put some goddamn pants on. 

2. Candy From Strangers

I find it strange that in a society as paranoid of strangers as ours, we actively encourage our children to go door to door (never alone) and get candy from strangers. Yes, most of the time its safe, and parents (to the best off my knowledge) generally go through their kid’s candy haul with them. That said, it screams inconsistency to warn your children about the dangers of talking to strangers 364 days of the year, and encourage it on Halloween. There may or may not be anything wrong with that, but still….hmmmmm.

5. Old People

I’m generally not a fan of old people being all up on my business. “Old” not being a age, but being a mindset generally contrary to my enjoying myself. And few times a year do curmudgeonly bastards (if you are an acceptable curmudgeonly bastard I have told you and you know) piss me off quite as badly. These are the angry old people who hand out pretzels until 8:00 p.m. and then get all crotchity when some kid rings the doorbell at 9. Old people who scowl at young people enjoying themselves, even in safe, legal and almost unobtrusive ways (its hard to be truly unobtrusive in a proper Halloween costume). 

So, with that, I wish you happy halloween.