Daughters and The Fathers They Love to Hate

Anne (not her real name) came into this world in the 1970’s when it had just become popular for fathers to be in the delivery room. I held her in my arms for the first time promising all the things a new father is proud to say. Six years later I was divorced from her Mother and entering an, as yet unknown to me, disease called Alcoholism.

While married, my weeknights were spent in bars and my weekends were at the in-laws helping with projects and stuffing pasta. No, I was not the ideal husband or father. My wife was the true blue saint, good Catholic and never complained, never asked why, where, actually she never said much or did much of anything. I was 27 when Anne was born and had been married for 3 years. Her arrival was hope on all fronts that this would fix what was lacking in the marriage, but of course she was not intended by God to be a fix but a blessing.  When I could no longer live with the anguish and guilt of a false-bottom marriage, I left to start a new life.

Little did I know that I could not run from the problem because it was me and the Alcohol fueled insanity. I heard in an AA meeting within my first 3 years a phrase that came to fit me like an Armani suit, “I am an Ego Maniac with an Inferiority Complex”. I ran on lies all my waking hours and the alcohol made the fantasy real. I had no self esteem, I knew I was a phony but kept up the facade with everyone, even Anne.

When my weekend visits came around I was afraid to be with her because I did not know how to be a father. I was always scared something would happen to her that I did not know how to handle, an illness or injury. I never let anyone know this because my Ego overrode my inferiority. Some weekends I would call on Saturday morning hungover and simply cancel out the weekend. This made me feel worse and of course I would drink the pain away – a vicious cycle. Most weekends when I would pick her up, I would engage a current girlfriend to join us to help with the entertainment and be there in case anything went wrong (illness etc). I was weak and scared and of course had no idea what to do about it.