Say What?!

It’s one of those things that if it doesn’t actually happen to you, you’d never believe it to be possible.

Here is a collection of things that you’d never think a person would be able to say out loud, and yet, they did. These stories are told in the first person, but did not necessarily happen to me. I am simply retelling them as they happened.

But It’s My Daughter’s Wedding

I’ve lived in my neighborhood for over 20 years. I’ve lived next door to the same couple all this time. When I moved into this neighborhood, it was a brand new suburban subdivision with minimal landscaping. After the first few failed attempts to get a tree to grow in the centre of my lawn, I finally got this Russian Olive Tree to grow. It didn’t just limp along and suddenly die like any of my other trees. It grew to an unbelievable size (okay, so it’s not more than the 12 meters of typical maximum height, but it’s much bigger than I expected since they told me I was buying a shrub at the nursery).

Years pass, and the tree grows to a phenomenal size of roughly 12 meters in height. My neighbor’s daughter, who is in her mid-to-late 20s recently got engaged, and it has been decided that she will get married early spring next year.

One day, as I was out on my front lawn, my neighbor approached me. In a very friendly tone, she greeted me and I politely inquired after the well-being of her and her family. And then, it happened.

“Lily, I wanted to ask a favor of you, for my husband.”

“Okay. Sure, Sophia. I’ll try and help if I can.”

“Well, it’s about your tree. My husband was just noticing how, you know, your tree has gotten so big.”

“Yes. Isn’t it beautiful? I never thought it would get this big, considering how many other trees failed to grow.”

“Well, see that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. You know, for my husband. You see, because your lot is a bit higher than our and the wind always blows from your side, the leaves are always all over our lawn. And then, when the tree is in bloom, the blossoms fall all over our yard. And then in the summer, when the tree has fruit, the fruit falls all over our yard, and there are birds everywhere.”

“Uh, yes?”

“Well, my husband was wondering, you know, since our daughter is getting married in the spring and we want to take some wedding photos in the front yard…”

“Uh-huh?”

“Well, we’d like you to cut the tree down.”

“The tree is almost 15 years old!”

“But our daughter is getting married in the spring and I don’t want all the little blossoms all over the yard. It’s such a mess.”

“Look, Sophia. I’ll ask my husband to trim the tree back a bit since we have been fairly negligent about it, but I’m not cutting the tree down.”

“But our daughter…”

“No, Sophia. I’m sorry, but I’m not cutting down my 15-year old tree unless it’s dying.”

iPhone Chivalry

The only thing my boyfriend wanted for his birthday was the iPhone. I told him it didn’t make sense to get one because we don’t live in the United States and the iPhone was not yet unlocked. It was days before the release and all he could do was moan about how badly he wanted one and how much he hated his Blackberry Pearl. So to appease him, I asked my friend who was in the US for a conference to please pick up an iPhone for me so that I could give it to him as a birthday present.

My friend kindly asked the Apple Store staff if the iPhone could be unlocked for use with a non-AT&T SIM card. The staff not only said it would not be possible to unlock the phone, but that the phone would have to be in the United States to be activated with the AT&T SIM card. I explained all that to the boy, but he still insisted that he wanted the iPhone despite the fact that he might never be able to get the phone to fully function outside of the USA.

The phone was purchased, and given to him a week before his birthday. He was ecstatic for a few hours. Then he whined and moaned about how everything was locked. After playing around with it for a few hours and checking out the Hackit0sh forums for advice, he got the phone unlocked to the point where he could access the applications, but phone service was still unavailable.

Weeks go by until suddenly news of a way to unlock the iPhone via software spreads like wildfire. The boy incessantly talked about how he wanted to take it somewhere to get it unlocked, but the going rate was $150 to unlock the phone. It was way more money than he was willing to spend.

Then one day, one of my friends tells me that he can unlock the phone. So I take the iPhone from the boy for a give it to my friend to unlock. My phone did not stop ringing. All day, the boy was constantly calling and asking whether or not the iPhone was ready. It didn’t matter how many times I explained that it would not be worked on until after my friend got off work. It didn’t matter how many times I explained that unlocking his iPhone was not a priority; it was a hobby and just a favor. Nor did it matter that I told him it takes a couple of hours to unlock. The calls just did not stop.

Finally, the phone was unlocked and back in his position. He was happy as can be. It didn’t matter that they still hadn’t quite figure out how to unlock YouTube. He was so happy to be able to use the iPhone as a phone that he didn’t care too much about YouTube.

Now that my friend knew how to unlock the iPhone, he offered to get one for me. I took him up on his offer since I would love to have an iPhone too. While my friend and I were discussing the new iPhone I would get, my boyfriend called. His newly unlocked iPhone, after having been unlocked for about two weeks, now had a cracked screen. It had been dropped and the crystal cover had cracked. Luckily, the LCD underneath hadn’t cracked so the phone was still fully functional. He immediately said he had to get a new iPhone and asked what sort of strings I could pull.

I explained there was no point spending the money to get him another iPhone. Why spend another $400 when we could probably get the screen replaced for $50? He, however, insisted he had to get a new phone.

“And then what are you going to do with the phone you have right now?”

“I can give it to you.”

Of course. I should get the one that you already scuffed up because you were carrying it everywhere before it was unlocked. I should get the one that you broke. Yes, of course, because after everything I did to help you get this bloody thing, I should get the used and crappy one.

“That doesn’t make sense because I’m already getting an iPhone. It’s already been ordered and has been shipped. It’ll arrive soon.”

That same week, Apple announced the release of the new firmware which meant the new phones could not be unlocked and attempting to do so would render your iPhone a useless brick.

My iPhone had been shipped prior to that announcement so I knew that my phone would have the original firmware. My friend had unlocked my phone (including YouTube) and had been playing with it for a week.

The first time I went out with my boyfriend after getting my new unlocked iPhone, he said something along the lines of this.

“I think you should give me your new phone. You and your friend can take my phone, get the screen fixed and you can keep it.”

Of course, I said no. My view is this, if you can’t take care of the stuff I give you as a gift, I’m not about to get you another one or give you my own. He moaned about it for a few more days, but eventually he gave up.

And who says chivalry is dead?

But You Should Buy It So I Can Borrow It

It was May. The weather was fairly warm and people were starting to hang out at the beach and engage in all sorts of outdoor summer activities. A “friend” of mine called out of the blue. I didn’t really talk to this person much anymore but we were still surface friends.

“Can I ask a favor of you?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Would it be okay for me to borrow your volleyball gear next weekend?”

“What gear?”

“Oh, you know. Your volleyball, net, and lines.”

“I don’t have any of that stuff.”

“Really? But you play lots of volleyball. I thought you had your own stuff.”

“No. I usually just go on weekends when someone who has stuff invites me to play. During the weekdays, I play in the league.”

“Oh. So, how about this? You go out and buy all the gear so that I can borrow it every weekend during the summer.”

“What?! Why don’t you just buy it yourself if you’re planning on going out every weekend?”

“Well, you’re better at volleyball than me. You play competitive and I only play recreational. It would make more sense for you to buy it.”

“But I never need to have my own stuff. So why would I buy it?”

“So that I can borrow it.”

“What?!”

Needless to say, I didn’t buy the gear, and we’re surface friends that interact even less than before.