Grinds my Gears

You know, I’ve never actually wrote a blog before, but, since all I do is try to explain my views in a forceful manner so that everyone will see things my way, I figured it was about time I start. So, here it goes.

To quote Peter Griffin from the hit cartoon show “Family Guy”, “You know what really grinds my gears?” Ill tell you want does, people in America who bitch about how horrible everything is. Thats what grinds my fucking gears. Oh, the war, oh the poverty, oh global warming…okay…I get it.

The world is messed up. But has there ever really been a time in the history of humanity when people didn’t think it was fucked up???? If you think there was ever an easy time to live, or a perfect world, a Utopia or Garden of Edin, read more and get your head out of your ass. Its always been fucked. And, to tell you the truth, I, personally, would not live in any other time but now. Petty as they may be, here are 6 reasons I thought of, in no particular order, why I would NOT rather live any time but now, my beloved 21st Century:

1. Indoor plumbing

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   I mean, it must have been amazing watching all the immigrants build the Empire State Building or the Manhattan Bridge in the early 1900s in the newly developing land of opportunity. But, lets face it, New York had to smell like SHIT. I dont say that figuratively, I mean there was literally human feces running down the streets of Manhattan. I would much rather get pistol whipped on 140th and Lexington and have all my money and clothing stolen than have to deal with the smell of human filth.

2. Air-Conditioning

   I don’t know about you, but I love me some central air. Don’t get me wrong, I like nice weather, but this 90 degree and muggy or 104 in the city in early August, fuck that. Count me out. Im either swimming in a lake, at the beach, or sitting on my leather sectional with the air blasting making it 60 degrees as I drink an ice-cold Bell’s Two Hearted Ale with my head on a beautiful girls lap as I listen to Shoney Lamar play “You are my moonshine.” Fans just dont cut it, by the way. I like that arctic blast.

3. Refrigerator/Freezers

   Speaking of arctic blast, without refrigerators or freezers we would not have food brought to us at our convince. I would not be able to go to Costco or BJs or Sams Club or whatever you call those bulk warehouse stores and buy a year supply of chicken and steak for a total of $75 dollars. Without it, you couldnt store ice-cream for weeks so when you are coming back from the bar or just chilling watching a movie you can walk ten steps to your kitchen and grab a delicious, cold, mouth-water treat to accompany you on the couch. And, finally, it MAKES ice. There is nothing better than cold water and ice makes water cold. If water were an invention, I would put it on this list. For fucks sake, its the only thing in the world when I solid form floats upon its liquid self…thats AWESOME…not to mention, our bodies are 70% water and the earth is 75% water, so, if you dont like it, you should go out with some class and shoot yourself with a shotgun.

4. Television

   I’m not a huge fan of TV, but, let’s face it, TV was the first step toward globalization of all peoples. It allows people to know whats going on in other peoples lives…not to mention, it made people more interested in other people and what their lives were like, therefore, causing teens from all around the world and nation to want to travel to cities where they meet new people from all over…I like that. Plus if you ever are feeling down you can always turn on “I Love New York” or one of her other spin-off and say, “Thank Fucking God Ill never be as fucked up or stupid as that bitch.” Probably wont be as rich ever, but who cares. I would pay $100 a day for the rest of my life not to be like her…not to mention I like being a guy.

5. Airplanes

   In what other time can you say, “Hmmmm…I feel like going to Thailand today.” And then follow the thought up with, “God, I dont know, it takes so long to get there. I really dont feel like sitting on a plane for 18 hours.” 18 HOURS! Walt Whitman would have a heart-attack, him being all surprised you could go to India in three weeks or some shit. Having to drink your own urine at times just to stay hydrated enough to make it all the way. People dying on the way from dysentery. Fuck the passage to India, what up on the passage to Thailand, or Croatia, or Alaska, or anywhere in the entire world? If being on a plane for 18 hours while sitting next to a fat guy who smells on your way to Thailand is the worst thing that happens in your life, I think you’ll be okay…

6. The Internet

   Im not a blogger, like I said, but, man, the internet is the shit. You can get anything you want without leaving your home. That is if you choose to be the lazy american that most of you fucks are…seriously, groceries, pizza, clothing, movies, music, the news, a plumber, a new air conditioning unit, a television (or just watch TV at hulu.com), airplane tickets, hell, even an airplane if you had enough loot. oh yeah, last but definitely not least, sex. Im not talking porno sights, Im talking dating or just straight up escort service type sex. Personally, I dont use that shit cause I think its lame and I dont pay for sex, well, not directly…dating is like prostitution, only, with dating, sometimes you dont get what you paid for…but thats besides the point. The internet allows lonely people with no communication skills what-so-ever to still get laid. how can you hate on that? its just creating love, man. On top of that, where else could I write this bull-shit and actually have someone listen to me? well, besides the bar, but I said write not speak.

So, in conclusion, stop bitching America. You dont have it that bad. Just because we are lead by a tyrannical, homophobic, alcoholic, coke-head, cheerleader, things will be okay. If you ever feel like grinding my gears again just take my advice. Go to the bar, grab a beer, sit back, call your lady-friend, dance, go home and make love, have sex and fuck all in one session. After go to your fridge, pour a glass of ice-water, turn of the TV, lay back and look at the ceiling, think about how much you need to save up for your next vacation on the other side of the world and repeat my friend Nathan Irish’s undeniable words of wisdom, “If this is the worst thing that happens today, I think ill be okay.”

PS I also am happy I will be here when a bunch of apocalyptic happenings occur. WWIII, Global Warming, the end of the Mayan Calendar, etc. To quote Jim Morrison, “I just wanna get my kicks in before the whole shit-hole goes up in flames!!”