Helping a Friend in Trouble

What matters most is giving the support they wants instead of the support you think is best for them.

Many of us have a natural tendency to shy away from a friend in trouble. Fearing that we might upset someone we care for, we may assume-wrongly-that maintaining distance is the wisest course. But the troubled person notices only that he is being avoided and may feel slighted or unloved by those who are simply trying to respect his privacy.

People respond differently to life’s distresses. Some need more support; others, more privacy. One can’t forcibly “rescue” a person who refuses help. “We wants so badly to help, but sometimes we simply have to back off”. One way to figure out whether a friend is unwilling to discuss a problem or is merely shy about broaching a charged topic is to talk about a time when you were in a similar position.

If at the same time you can emphasize the unique nature of your friend’s distress he will know you understand that his concerns are special. He may then realize how readily you can empathize with his situation. If he still won’t open up, you must respect his reticence.

When a friend does reject a proffered hand, make it clear that you wish the best for him and will be there to support him if he needs it. He will appreciate your concern, whether or not he eventually takes you up on your offer.

A truly helpful friend should be sensitive about if and when to give unsolicited advice. Assuming that you know how to handle a friend’s problem can be insulting. It also changes and emotional interaction into problem-solving discussion, which may discourage the troubled one form venting his feelings. In most cases , the job of a supportive friend is to listen and express concern and, above all, to provide a full uninterrupted chance to talk matters out.

There are time when it is obvious that a friend needs more substantive help-if, for example, he seems to be suffering from a true continuous depression. Here, helping a friend to face his need for professional help may require some “love meddling”. When approaching a troubled friend, there is no single method that applies to every situation. But it is easier to reach someone effectively if you say I- rather than you- when discussion what you believe to be the problem. If you say, “I’m really concerned and I don’t know whether it is okey to bring this up”, you will have a better chance of being heard.