It Stinks: The Four Worst Smells in History

We are living in a time of great turmoil and we are bombarded with an endless list of doom ranging from climate change, global financial crisis, and to violence in the Middle East. It makes one fall to their knees and cry to the heavens “It stinks! It just totally stinks. Why is it so?”

If you are here looking for answers to why it all stinks, well, you are in for great disappointment. If you think that as mentioned above stinks, then you don’t know what a real stink is. I have in the past been unfortunate enough to experience four of what I believe are the worst cases of extreme olfactory disturbances in current existence. If you were to experience these smells as I have, then you would think the world that troubles you so actually smells as sweet as roses.

The smells of evil are listed below in no particular order:

1. Nauseating Broth of Roo Goo

This particular item requires a little patience, but the result is worth it if the intentions are to make a room full of people spew their guts out for no less than three weeks. It is deceptively simple too. Fill a bottle with kangaroo blood, seal it, and leave on a shelf for 12 months. When the time is ripe smash the bottle on the floor where a lot of people are gathered. There is a good chance that upon smelling the result that you will never be able to smell again – either because the linings of your nose will be shred to pieces or your brain will signal a permanent emergency shut-down of all smelling senses to protect your sanity. It smells something like road-kill stuffed with other road-kill and placed on a rock in 50 degrees Celsius (122 degrees Fahrenheit) heat for 5 days in the Sahara desert in peak summer.

2. Atrocious Corpulent Crotch

This stink is extracted from the crotch sweat of an obese man that is on the Atkins diet. The Atkins diet lets fat men lose weight quite rapidly, and in the process toxins are often sweat out and accumulated in the dark and nasty places. The smell is something akin to the dog crap of a dog that eats another dog’s crap.

3. Satan’s Breath

Teriyaki Chicken and Mother. When I speak of mother, I do not speak of my mother’s attempt at cooking teriyaki chicken, but instead the energy drink of the same name. These two items when consumed by a human male will result in a belching fit that has the odour of one hour old diarrhea explosively expelled onto a toilet cubicle wall from a person who has eaten nothing but pickled eggs and sour yoghurt for ten days. It could in fact be that any energy drink with teriyaki chicken would produce the same result, as it is probably a case of key ingredients of both, mixed with hydrochloric acid of the stomach that produces the unholy stench. It may be possible to turn this knowledge into a weapon of mass non lethal destruction – in that if let loose above a population it would disable them without excessive harm.

4. Foul Feline Fluid

I have tried to write this description 12 times, but every time I think about this wretched smell I faint. This is the smell of baked cat urine on a stove drip plate. Simply squeeze a cat till it urinates on the stove drip plate, and then turn on the stove elements. The smell will begin faintly at first, intriguing the mind with a sense of something awry. The smell will transform quickly into something completely horrid and before the body can react with an instinctive flee response you will collapse to the floor. This smell is so bad that it spans multiple dimensions and causes permanent brain damage. There is nothing that compares to this smell. This smell can only be used as the basis for description of other even worse smells that have yet to be created; smells that we as humans are not yet advanced enough to smell without dying. A future race of humans will be able to tolerate such smells, and will use baked cat urine to describe them.