Peculiarities of British Traffic

British drivers are used to driving on the left hand side of the road. The reason for this is historical, as more people are right handed and therefore use their right hand to hold the sword. I haven’t seen many sword wielding drivers recently, and I therefore dare to doubt that it is a good reason to keep to this system. The countries that drive on the right hand side of the road do so for the same reason, that people rather use the right hand to change gear. And I can hear the reason for that every day, as British drivers bungle their gears and abuse their cars.

For years I was absolutely sure that the Belgians were the worst drivers in the world, closely followed by the Dutch. But over the last year I had to review my position on this, and the winners are the British drivers by dint of sheer stupidity. My favourite so far was the little old lady sitting in her car facing off a bus. The road this took place in is too narrow for a car and a bus to cross, and the bus coming around the corner came from a four lane main road. The lady stood her ground in the middle of the road, stoutly ignoring a free parking space behind her she could have backed into. And behind her, traffic was piling up behind the parked cars. I didn’t see how the situation was resolved, as after a quarter of an hour I got bored waiting for anybody to make a move.

There are ways to turn a car around, and then there are British drivers trying to do the same. From my apartment situated 50 yards from a roundabout, I am able to see the eminently gifted drivers doing the most incredible manoeuvres. Instead of driving the 50 yards to the roundabout, they take a u-turn all over the road. Being British, they can’t manage to use the rather broad road to do this in one go, but have to see-saw their way around, blocking all traffic during the proceeding. But what should I expect? Even the police cars join in the idiocy.

There is a legend that Britons have to pass a driving test, but it is only a legend, I assure you.

The use of pavements is novel, as well. There are pavements split into cyclists’ paths and pedestrian paths, and they are clearly signalled as such. I am still trying to find out what makes pedestrians use the cyclists’ paths on a matter of principle, and why I am constantly attacked by cyclists on the pedestrian part of the pavement (or any other pavement come to that).

We all know that cyclists are mutated humans. As opposed to all other humans, they have their brains not in their head, but in the part of the bottom they sit down on. Accordingly, all blood is squeezed out of the brain just as soon as they hit the saddle; they act accordingly while driving. It comes as no surprise therefore that they don’t know what a red light is for, or what they should do when pedestrians are crossing the road. This is the same the world over.

But if you come to Britain with your car and are used to driving in civilized surroundings, be prepared to face the pedestrian challenge as well. As a matter of course, pedestrians don’t use pedestrian crossings, but run out into the road anywhere and when they want. Like chickens, they then crisscross in front of the approaching car, squawking all the way.

As to the use of red lights, let me cite my cab driver: ‘No wonder traffic doesn’t flow if they stop at red lights.’