Still Going Under

Everyday feels like a battle. I try and say that I am going to smile and not get upset by everything that is going on around me. When you look at me on the outside that is what you see someone who if fine with whatever happens. If you saw what was going on inside that is something that is so different. I am in pieces and do not know how to put everything back together.

I know that I am going deeper and deeper under and there is no way out. I am invisible no one sees me nor cares what happens to me.

There was never a time that I thought I would be like this or be stuck again and here I am right back to where I was years ago and this time it is worse then before.

Being in pain everyday does not help any. The pain is so bad I would rather break my foot off then have what I am feeling. What am I going to do when the surgery has to be done and there is not a way that I can get up how am I going to do all the things that I do? Then I know that it will be bad. Do I risk my health so that I can continue to do all the things that I need to do or do I have teh surgery and risk that things get harder.

It would be so nice if I could just wake up one morning and all of these feelings are gone and that there is a good day ahead of me. I can not remember the last time that there was a laugh or a real smile that came from me.

Everyone is happy and getting what they want and here I am stuck in the same place. No matter how hard that I try I just seem to get pushed further under and under.

Is there a magic wand that people have to be happy and get what they want? Is there something that I am missing.

There has to be some trick that is passing me by.

Sp,et