‘When the going gets rough, the tough keep going”

After the second head injury, I was in denial and refused to accept the possibility that I could have permanent brain damage and that I might not be able to return to soccer again. I believed that I would be healthy enough to play the following spring, assuming nothing happened to me until then. The second concussion was even more of a fluke than the first; how many possible flukes can a person possibly have? The point of a fluke is that they rarely happen. I believed that I was going to be one hundred percent fine. I started taking chances again, and began pushing my limits. I played football, Frisbee, volleyball, basketball, and tennis despite the fact I was forbidden to play any contact sports. I ignored the fact that I was four times as likely to sustain another head injury. I felt this probability was small enough for me to continue risking it, all in the name of having fun.

It was while I was having fun that I hit my head again. Perhaps it was this bonk that awakened me to my vulnerability. Suddenly, the remote possibility that I would never be able to play soccer again became a high likelihood, and still threatens me every single day. The frequent trips to numerous doctors with scary sounding titles, the MRIs and CT scans, the blanking out on words, the dizziness, the mental and exertional testing, the difficulty speaking and thinking, and the nine different bottles of pills prescribed to me all began to put things into perspective. I became aware to the concept of life-altering injury. No rehab for a few weeks, but a lifetime of pain management. A lifetime of having to live my life differently than I have for the past seventeen years. It felt surreal; I had to wear sunglasses when driving at night, I had to take sleeping pills to get enough sleep, I had to change my diet to eliminate all caffeine, I had to allow twice the usual amount of time to complete my homework. I couldn’t even bend down to tie my own shoes. I was forced to transition from playing two sports nearly every season to indefinitely not being able to perform any exertional task. No shooting hoops, no push-ups of sit-ups; I couldn’t even play in the backyard with my puppy. I suddenly realized everything that I had risked when I pushed my limits.

After my awakening, I have become paranoid. I catch the movement of a bird’s shadow out of the corner of my eye, and I duck and cover my head in response. I become extremely nervous when riding as a passenger in a car. When in a room with any kind of ball, I stand with my back to the wall and my eyes constant scan the room, making sure I am not in danger. I become irate when I am tailgated while driving, because what if that person were to hit me? I could lose everything that I am ever so slowly gaining back.